~~ Song Lyrics from House of Pain by Faster Pussycat ~~

Beauty

That is the one word that I would use to describe my painted warrior.

Beauty

Pain

That is the word I would use to describe my life now without him.

I thought I knew it all. I thought I had all the answers to all the questions and all the riddles.

I thought that I would be ok. I mean I always have been before right?

How ironic… that Pain….

I thought that it hurt when we were together. I thought that being with him was a hardship that I just couldn't bear any longer.

Having to carry his burdens and my own…

Having to be near him and not….

Not with him… not like I thought I wanted… I needed… I longed for.

I was so tired of keeping up what I thought was an image… a… a false image. A script painted by him to keep me tied to him in some… sick and twisted way. I thought that he was the one responsible for my… insanity.

But it turns out he was the one responsible for helping me to see my insanity.

Everyone else just pretends it isn't there.

Pain

The nights that we spent… hurting each other. In the name of some… illusive moment that I didn't think ever came.

But now… as I look back… I see that that was the moment.

The arch of his neck.

The look on his face.

The way his lips would part as if he was trying to speak and yet nothing ever came out.

I am haunted by that moment now. It's all I have left of him… me… us.

Without him the clouds have returned to my mind making it foggy and hazy, blurring my thoughts and stealing my clarity without so much as a wham bam thank you man.

Without him I have had to resort to hunting out the pain. Looking for it and yet never really finding it… thinking that will make me whole again.

But it never does…

And it never will.

The insanity won't let me remember that it is him that makes me whole… makes me complete.

He is the moment.

I've had this song stuck in my head for days… weeks… months… I don't know what it is. I don't know where it came from. I don't know… it won't go AWAY!

I can see his lips moving in that wordless action. I know that's what he's saying… singing those words over and over and over in my head… taunting me… hurting me… pushing me….

I'm not trying to fake it
And I ain't the one to blame.
There's no one home
In my house of pain.
I didn't write these pages
And my script's been rearranged.
No, there's no one home
In my house of pain

Where did he go?

WHY????

Why didn't he come back?

HE ALWAYS COMES BACK! He said that… My hands bury in my hair pulling at the greasy strands as if that will pull the memory from the fog.

HE LEFT! HE had a look on his face as I said I was done… said I couldn't take any more… said I needed more said….

BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER! I can't remember what he said and now he's just GONE!

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I know they're looking at me… the people… the strangers… I know their names, but still they remain strangers in my insanity.

No, there's no one home In my house of pain

No one here… no one home… no one that understands. HE is the only one… HE is the one… WHERE IS HE!?

Make him come BACK
Make him come BACK
MAKE HIM COME BACK!

I didn't write these pages
And my script's been rearranged.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to… it wasn't…

I see a flash of color out of the corner of my eye and I remember…

A rainbow…
A giggle…
A bounce…
A look on a face as they looked up at…
Up at…
Up at HIM!

WHO DOES THAT… THAT… THAT RAINBOW BITCH THINK HE IS!? Doesn't he know...?

Doesn't he know?

Doesn't he…. Doesn't he…

WHY IS HE LOOKING AT HIM LIKE THAT~!?

YOU ARE MINE!!

I don't know my hands are still yanking on my hair pulling it out in chunks. I don't know that I'm screaming at him at the top of my lungs trying to get him to turn. I don't know that he isn't there anymore.

I don't know that it's just a memory.

He did turn. He did look at me like… like… LIKE HE PITIED ME!

But I can't remember that. I can't remember because the fog stole it from me. I can't remember that he left the company just to get away from me. I can't remember that his new… his new sprite left too just because he couldn't be without him any more.

I can't remember…

I'm not trying to fake it
And I ain't the one to blame.
There's no one home
In my house of pain.

It's not my FAULT! I didn't do it… I didn't…
I didn't make him go away… I didn't he just… he just left!

I can't feel hands on me… rubbing my arms trying to calm me. I can't feel her pulling me into our locker room. I can't feel the prick of the needle as she puts it in my arm.

I can't feel…

Where did you go?

Why can't I remember?

Why don't you love me anymore Raven?

Come back.

Come back.

Come back.

I close my eyes as your face fades and the memories dull even further, but I remember…

I remember you're gone until she pushes me into my dreamless sleep.

I remember…

Come back.