When his phone rang at four in the morning, Jared wasn't awake enough to worry about why Chris would be calling him in the middle of the night. He just clicked the button to talk and made some kind of grunt into the phone.

Chris didn't answer. Wherever Chris was, there was so much background noise that Jared wondered if Chris even knew he'd hit the button to dial. It wouldn't be the first time Chris forgot to put the keylock on and called someone from his pocket. Except the last time Chris had called like this, it had been so that Jared could overhear as Jensen drunkenly babbled on and on about how much he loved every one of his friends, interjecting every few minutes that he loved Jared best before eventually moving on to ramble for the next five minutes about all the reasons he loved Jared the best. Chris said he did it just to make fun of Jensen later, but it didn't hurt Jared to hear it after three weeks of Jensen being on the road with the band.

Jared was about to hang up when Jensen's voice came clear over the line. Chris must have moved the phone closer without Jensen noticing.

"I'm just saying, I've seen a lot of dick, and I usually pay attention. It's sorta the smart thing to do, cause you know, you wanna make sure there aren't any gross things on there that can give you diseases. You have to get a good look so you know you won't catch anything. Jared's dick doesn't have diseases though. It wouldn't cause it's only ever been mine, you know? Well, okay, Lexi got to see it, but other than that, mine. Which is just awesome, and I'm not fucking sharing it ever, so it's only ever going to be mine."

This wasn't happening. There was no way he was overhearing Jensen ramble to his friends about how much he liked Jared's dick. There were laws of decency. How much tequila had they let him drink? Why wasn't Chris telling Jensen to shut up? Maybe if he yelled into the phone, Jensen would hear him and stop. Except then his parents would probably come running and want to know what was wrong.

"I'm never letting anyone else near it because it's really the best dick I've ever had."

"That so? Why?" Steve. Jared was going to kill him for encouraging this.

"Well, it's big. Like, the biggest I've ever had. He could do porn if I was willing to share-which I'm not. It's thick and it's long. So it's proportional. It's not like, really long and thin so that it keeps going, but it never feels like enough. Short and fat isn't good either because when you're trying to fuck yourself, it keeps falling out. It doesn't even have any funny curves that make it difficult to work with different positions. Not that curve is always bad. No curve would be a little weird too, but once I had this guy who was so curved in that I was really glad I just wanted to fuck him, because I had no idea how to make it bend so he could fuck me. But Jared, Jared doesn't have any of those issues. Because his dick is perfect."

"And you miss it?" Jared wasn't even sure who asked that one.

"How could I not? You obviously don't understand. You wouldn't because you're straight, which is stupid. But Jared's dick would be wasted on a girl, so it's really good he's not straight."

"Why would it be wasted? You don't think a girl could take it?" Chris actually sounded like he was confused, like he expected Jensen to make any sense at all if he was wasted enough to even have this conversation.

"Girls always complain about giving head. Well, okay, I've never heard Sandy complain, and she gave Jared lessons, so she probably doesn't mind, so you don't have to get all upset. But Lexi admitted that she couldn't even get it all in her mouth, and it was a good thing he didn't have anything to compare to, or it might have killed her reputation. There's just no way a girl could get him in her mouth."

"Like you can?"

"Exactly! Though I had to practice. I had to practice, because he's so big. But I got used to it, obviously, and it's good. Giving head is like an art, which you just don't understand. There's technique and it's hot."

"I never said I didn't think it was an art! I'm just not going to discuss Sandy's technique because I am grateful for what I get and I respect her." And Chris knew Jared was listening and knew when to cover his own ass.

"I respect Jared!" Jensen said. Jared could hear him slap someone. "I just respect his cock, too. It deserves its own respect."

"Clearly," Steve said, laughing. "Maybe you should call Jared and tell him."

"He knows. Sometimes he says he thinks I love his cock more than him."

"But you gotta love him just a little more than just his dick."

"Duh. Stupid. Of course I'd love him without his dick, or you know, if he had a dick that was less perfect. I'm just saying, it's a very good total package."

~*~