I know if I turn my head, he'll be looking at me. I can feel his gaze trained on me, cutting through the filtered, early morning light like a beacon. But not in a studied, calculating way. More with a quiet, introspective air.

His eyes are muted and cool. As soft as a winter sunset. He has a way of looking at people that nearly makes them speechless. His eyes take you in and hold you. Capture you with their shining light until you find yourself saying...and worse....doing things, that you never would have imagined.

Which is exactly the position I find myself in now. What started as just another in a long series of conversations somehow evolved, for lack of a better word, into a night of sensory confusion that even now I can't explain.

In the course of one evening we went from talking, to carefully timed, but what I thought were totally innocent touches, to giving in to a burning need I never knew lingered inside of me.

His mouth beckoned to me with warm, sweet kisses. His hands forced my soul to awaken from a long, self induced slumber. His body made my heart come alive again.

It was a night of pure pleasure. One I'll relive over and over.

But only in my mind.

Because what we did....what I did, was more wrong than anything I've ever done.

A long time ago I made a promise to someone. A promise that up until a few short weeks ago I had no trouble keeping. It was a vow to love...and cherish. A promise to always remain honest...and faithful to the man I loved. Still love.

A pledge that I shattered so completely that I doubt there's any hope of repairing it. Even if the love of my life doesn't even know about it.

I do....and that's enough.

It would be so easy to blame him. The man I used to believe was the only reason that I was able to breathe. After all, he's never there when I need him anymore. He has a million different things pulling him in a million different directions. And not one of them has anything to do with me. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. Trips, personal appearances, projects.... all lined up in an endless procession. One that stretches to infinity and seemingly has no place for me.

Deep in my heart, I know that isn't true. He loves me just as much as the day we shared those magical words that made us one.

But the thing is......I just don't think he needs me anymore.

And that's what's left me so lost and empty.

And maybe it was being needed...being necessary to someone again that made last night turn from a fantasy into a blazing, breath taking reality.

Maybe it was just knowing that there was still someone out there who could look at me with longing. Who didn't sigh with exhaustion in the middle of every conversation. Someone who understood that being wanted is what makes life worth living.

Someone.

He knows I'm awake so I have to open my eyes and face him. And more importantly I have to tell him. Tell him that even though our hours together were nothing short of perfection, they can never be repeated. And not because I don't want him...need him. But because I can't. Not when someone who trusts me is waiting at home.

If he even is at home.

So with a prolonged breath I steel myself to say just those words to him.

I open my eyes....and I'm lost.

The words I should have said are long forgotten. Lost in the maze of exquisite passion I see in those dove gray eyes. And the only thing I can think to say will forever change the way I thought my life would be.

"You know what? I'm in no hurry to get home. Hand me that room service menu and let's get something to eat. I'm starving, Randy."