"I believe
The more you love a man,
The more you give your heart,
The more you have to lose."

Noel Coward



Seasonal confusion.

That's what his father always called it. It came from crisscrossing the country at a maddening pace and jumping from one climate to the next . One of the results was being able to stand in a pair of shorts in the middle of November when all your life you'd been used to breaking out the heavy coats and waiting for the first snowfall.

But it was one of the things you got used to when travel was basically what you did for a living.

Raising the amber bottle to his lips, Randy took a long swallow of the ice cold beer inside. Around him he could hear people talking and laughing. Enjoying the time away from the ring and finding pleasure in just being themselves.

It was probably just his imagination, but it seemed like half the roster lived in Florida. So when someone decided to throw a little get together, the house in question was usually packed.

That was the case tonight. But instead of joining the crowd or catching up with old friends, Randy stood at the window that overlooked the expansive deck and peered into the shadowed light outside.

His eyes hadn't left the two people seated in the far corner for the better part of the last half hour. They were the owners of the house, and the reason for his strange mood.

The larger of the two men sat comfortably, one arm resting on the wooden rail next to him while he sipped at his bottled water. Across from him, Chris Jericho was perched on the edge of his chair, hands gesturing in an animated fashion as he talked.

Randy couldn't hear what they were talking about but that hardly mattered. It wasn't why he was studying them so intently.

He was trying to see....it.

That magic something that had kept the two of them together for over three years. The connection that bound them to one another in spite of numerous separations and careers running on two separate paths.

He wanted to know their secret. What was it that held someone for so long? What made them know, deep in their hearts, that they were never going to be happy with anyone else?

And why, in God's name was it so hard to find?

The sound of laughter brought his focus back to the two of them and he watched in what could only be described as wistfulness and Chris laid a familiar hand against his companion's knee.

A simple, everyday gesture that seemed almost too intimate to share with the world. It made Randy's heart ache to see it.

"You want another beer?"

The voice behind him snapped him back to reality and he swung around to meet the warm smile directed at him.

Dave.

His friend. His one time running mate in Evolution. And the man who currently shared his bed.

And maybe more to the point...the man Randy thought about night and day.

"Sure....thanks," he replied as he handed him his empty.

The man filled the room with his presence. He was solidly built and emanated an air of power. But he also possessed a smile that could render Randy nearly helpless.

He returned in seconds and handed his lover another frosted bottle. "I wondered where you wandered off to."

Randy shifted his eyes almost imperceptibly, catching another glimpse of the couple outside. "Just hanging out," he replied with forced nonchalance.

Dave raised his own bottle and indicated the deck just beyond the window. "You wanna sit outside?"

"No," Randy replied...in what he realized was almost a frantic tone. "Let's just sit right here." He pointed to a nearby table that still afforded him an unobstructed view of what held his attention. "I don't think we've said ten words to each other all night."

He was smiling as he said it. But the moment the words left his mouth he knew just how true… and painful they were.

"The more you love a man...."

Dave was an enigma in so many ways. Charming and charismatic, but at the same time, mysterious and sometimes even aloof. He was a magnificent lover whose mouth and hands could make Randy's body sing. But even in their most intimate moments, there was something missing. Randy never felt that Dave was doing any more than relieving a physical need. Their ferocious and passionate couplings had less to with sharing themselves and more to do with satisfying a pressing urge.

When they were through and Dave would move to his own side of the bed, Randy would lie there, his mind and heart racing with conflicting emotions. Nobody had ever made him feel that way...at least physically. But at the same time, no one had ever left him feeling so empty.

There were so many nights he wanted to crawl back into the big man's arms and nestle his head against his shoulder. He wanted to feel the closeness.....enjoy the bond they shared. But he knew that was never going to happen....mostly because there was no bond.

Not that he hadn't tried with everything he had to try and forge one.

"The more you give your heart...."

Dave wasn't one for small talk. He seldom shared anything too personal. In many ways he was still a stranger to Randy.

On the other hand, Randy was the total opposite. He shared even the smallest details of his life. Every thought...every emotion was offered to the other man. He was literally an open book.

A book Dave had no real interest in reading.

They sat in silence for a few seconds, taking the occasional sip of beer and offering non-committal comments on the people around them.

Dave twisted around in his chair and looked out the window and his eyes caught the scene outside.

"Haven't seen them together for a while. Chris must be happy."

Randy pretended to follow his gaze and nodded. "I'm sure he is."

Then he took a breath and decided to try once more.

"Did you know they've been together for over three years?"

Taking another long swallow of cool liquid, Dave seemed unimpressed. "Really? I can't imagine wanting to be with one person that long. But if it works for them...."

"The more you have to lose..."

It was just as well that his comment didn't require a response, because the tightness in Randy's throat would have kept him from speaking.

Dave could just as easily have set a date for the two of them to split up. In one painfully clear moment, Randy knew he was fighting a losing battle. The one thing he wanted was never going to be his.

Not with this man.

And maybe not ever.

As he tried to resign himself to his solo fate, Dave stood up and stretched. "I'm gonna get some air."

He turned for the door just as it swung open and two figures stepped inside.

They weren't arm in arm. They weren't even holding hands. But it would have taken a blind man not to be able to see that they were "together."

"Hey guys. Enjoying yourselves? Anything we can get for you?"

We. A simple word that suddenly made Randy cringe.

Dave just smiled and shook his head.

And suddenly his economical way with words wasn't as endearing to Randy as it was irritating.

He never even considered following his lover outside. He stayed in his chair and continued to stare at the two men in front of him.

Two men who had everything.

He silently wondered if they even knew it.

"How about you Randy? Can I get you anything?"

"No..thanks anyway Chris," he replied softly.

Then they both smiled at him and walked into the other room.

His eyes followed them until they blended into the crowd.

And he continued to sit.....alone.