There's a stigma that surrounds silence and those that not only use it but make it an art form. So often people assume that the silence, my silence, is out of a lack of opinion, but oh how wrong they are. It's the inverse actually; my mouth stays shut to keep my opinion, my many opinions in. The sharp thoughts that fill my mind would knock most out of the happy worlds they live in. Silence has served me well so I dedicate my last thoughts and the tale I'm about to tell to silence and the fatal mistake I made in betraying it.

I'd known about his feelings for years. For those superficial people that saw the pierced, hair-spiked freak, he acted no different around me than anyone else. But, for those of us that had spent hours on end speaking with him about everything from eyeshadow blends to poverty, it couldn't be anymore obvious unless it had a bright pink neon sign blinking the works "I LOVE YOU BILLY." Sometimes I wondered if that neon sign existed and he just kept it skillfully hidden among his personal treasures.

The problem is, I don't think of him like that. Before you jump to conclusions let me explain how I see our relationship. Benji is my best friend. Actually, wait, that doesn't do it justice. Benji is more than my best friend. He is the person I go to when the world doesn't understand me. He's the person I break the silence for. Unfortunately, that fact would work against us (but more of that in a moment). The truth is, he's a brother to me in the same strength spiritually that he is to Joel biologically. To think of Benji in a romantic sense, to envision the two of us tangled in passion and lust, seems so incestuous to me that it almost makes me sick.

This isn't a story that ends with me realizing that I'm in love with him. You can get that out of your mind right now. My love for Benji is familial, always has been. Do I think Benji is gorgeous in his own right? Yes I do. Do I think he would make an excellent boyfriend? Phenomenal is more the world I would choose for it. But, none of that is meant for me, though he seems to think it is.

It happened on a Tuesday. Ironically I had woke up with one thought in my head: "God I love Tuesdays; always so harmless and forgettable." I got up and performed my morning rituals before heading off the bus in search of something vaguely nutritious; let's be honest, we're on tour and Denny's isn't known for their great vegetarian selection. I roamed into the stale-smoke filled restaurant to find my friends chatting away over undercooked eggs and over cooked hash browns. Benji was the exception. In his latest effort to catch my attention he was trying a vegetarian diet. "I need to lose weight. I'm fuckin' fat," he'd grumbled when Joel would tease him about it. He was dining on coffee and a wilted fruit plate.

Without skipping a beat I did my usual method of ordering; I stole Paul's coffee, Joel's toast and Chris's extra pancake. Benji offered an unripe strawberry, which I accepted just to see his eyes light up from the attention. I'm not leading him on, I'm pleasing him in smaller ways because I can't give him what he really wants. It occurs to me that I'm making Benji sound love-starved. Trust me, he wasn't. It's just that, we're around each other everyday so simple gestures and attention have dual meaning. So I sat, quiet as usual, and listened to the quartet argue over the latest review of our new album.

The day went on as normal (mind you this is a Tuesday, so why wouldn't it?). We even decided to go out after the show, celebrating an incredible performance and maybe catching a little action at the same time. Contrary to what people think and what Benji desires, we don't go back to our bus and fuck each other like rabbits, so going out to find a little action is a necessity or we'd kill each other out of frustration.

We headed down to a club one of the venue workers recommended. It was pretty cool. The dance floor and stage were in the middle, a bar surrounded the dance floor for people to sit at. The actual liquor bar was in the back left corner. The current Punk frenzy made us blend in pretty well but of course some people recognized us.

Benji wanted to dance and since the others wanted a drink to relax first, I obliged. We're out on the floor, rolling our hips, moving our feet to the beat of a decidedly hideous dance mix when the most perfect person bumps into me; perfect body, incredible ass and brown eyes you could happily drown in. Benji sees me eying the creature in front of me and sulks off under the pretense of needing a drunk. My target sees I'm alone and makes his first move. Understand now that the entire point of the night was to release some sexual frustration. My eyes lit up when the first move was made, all subsequent moves were in my possession.

Ordinarily 40 minutes of bumping, grinding and silent flirtation is all I can take before I'm pulling my choice partner towards the door for a night of unadulterated pleasure. This time it took me about 20 minutes. In that time span Benji managed to get completely sloshed. Paul, Chris and Joel had joined me on the dance floor. They knew better than to lecture me on finding a fuck in front of Benji.

As I'm pulling my perfection off the floor, Benji is standing my way. Jealous eyes burn through my club kitten as Benji pulls me behind him and hisses, "He's taken."

"Benji, stop," I murmur quietly but still audibly over the music.

"You heard me, step the fuck off," he growls.

Before my kitten can move, Benji's pushing me away. Here's where our friends notice what's happening and head over. Unfortunately, it's too late. By the time they are within earshot, I've broken my precious, perfect, pure silence.

"Benji get the fuck off me! Stop playing the jealous boyfriend because WE AREN'T DATING!"

If you ask me why I didn't stop with that, I couldn't tell you. God how I wish I had. I've prayed for that often. That would be repairable but sadly I didn't stop. No I kept going…

"I AM SICK OF YOUR FUCKING PUPPY LOVE FOR ME! IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I DO NOT WANT YOU! ...NOT AS A LOVER, BOYFRIEND OR RANDOM FUCK! I WILL NEVER WANT YOU!"

Everyone remember how the Twin Towers collapsed on 9/11? Well Benji's face made that terrorizing catastrophe look like a small unmemorable incident. Did I stop? Sadly, No, I continued to betray my silence…

"I AM TIRED OF YOU BEING SO GOD DAMN NEEDY! STOP GIVING ME THINGS TO BRIBE ME. THERE'S NOT ENOUGH MONEY, GOLD, AND RICHES ON EARTH OR BEYOND TO MAKE ME EVER WANT YOU!"

Joel got in front of me, forcing the silence to return to my body. The damage had been done. Chris and Paul tried to stop Benji from leaving. As I watched my best friend retreat, irreparably wounded, remorse and guilt began to course through my veins.

Sixty years has passed and I've never hear or seen him in person since that night so long ago. The memory of our band has faded into Punk Rock obscurity, but that night - every sight, smell, taste, touch and sound - is as crisp now as it was 60 years ago.

This is my last breath and I take it in silence…