I can still hear the shoutin' and the slammin' of the door
You get so mad sometimes and I don't even know what for
it used to get to me but this time I didn't cry
You took your little walk, well, I took a little drive
I made 8 states in 2 days, ain't slept a wink or ate a thing
I've been thinking over everything and you were wrong
and I've lost count of the miles now but it don't matter anyhow
I ain't coming back around - I'm gone
The more I drive the less I care
Not sure where I'm going but I think I'm almost there
Nothin's ever good enough for you when it comes to me
I've heard it so many times, I was startin' to believe
I put my dreams on hold like you expected me to do
You always said that I'd go nowhere without you
I've made 8 states in 2 days, ain't slept a wink or ate a thing
been thinking over everything and you were wrong
and I've lost count of the miles now but it don't matter anyhow
I won't be turning back around - I'm gone
The more I drive the less I care
Not sure where I'm going but I think I'm almost there
What was the last thing I heard you say?
Wasn't it something about your way or the highway?
Well, I've made 8 states in 2 days, ain't slept a wink or ate a thing
been thinking over everything and you were wrong
and I've lost count of the miles now but it don't matter anyhow
I won't be turning back around - I'm gone
The more I drive the less I care
Not sure where I'm going but I think I'm almost there

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Welcome to the Great State of Texas!" Texas, huh? Let's see, I been to South Carolina, Georgia, down to Florida, back up through Alabama, straight through Mississippi, saw the swamps in Louisiana, and now I'm crossing the border to the Lone Star State. Been on the road for 48 hours. All I've done is stop for gas and to go to the bathroom. I'm exhausted. I'm starving. I need a shower and a shave. I have nothing with me, except for my CD's and my wallet. I have $33 in cash, and two credit cards. My truck is starting to overheat. My heart is broken.

I see a sign for a Waffle House up ahead so I change lanes and exit the highway. I pull into the parking lot and turn the truck off. Opening the door, I'm surprised by the heat. It's only May, and I swear it's already close to 100 degrees here. The big sign on the window says "all you can eat $5.95". I can handle that.

I sit in a booth near the back, close to the bathroom, across from the jukebox. George Strait is blaring at a very loud volume. A waitress comes over and slides a menu in front of me. I look at it and pick my choices from the all you can eat menu. She asks what I want to drink. I tell her a Coke and some water. I get up and go to the bathroom while she gets my food ready.

The face I see in the mirror looks unfamiliar. Haggard, rough - big, black circles under my red, puffy eyes. A three day beard - well, okay, a few scruffy whiskers here and there. What do you expect from a baby face like me? I splash water on my face, then grab a couple paper towels. I wet them and make a swipe at my pits, just so I don't smell as funky as I look.

I return to the table to find a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns and waffles. I scarf it down like I hadn't eaten in…well, days. The waitress came back over to check on me. "You okay?" she asked. I nod and ask for more waffles and bacon. I know I'm gonna be sick later, but right now all I can think of is the ache in the pit of my stomach.

When I've eaten all I can, I ask for the check. I leave a couple dollars on the table and make my way to the cash register. As I wait for my change, I ask the girl if there's a Wal-Mart anywhere nearby. I need to get a few things. She gives me directions, which sound pretty easy, and I make my way back to my truck.

Down the road, I pull into the parking lot of the huge store. I head to the health and beauty section first, grabbing razors, shaving cream, soap and deodorant. A quick stroll down the dental aisle and I have my toothbrush and toothpaste. I grab a random bottle of shampoo and conditioner from the next aisle. Making my way across the store, I pick up a magazine, then head for the clothes. Just the basics - a couple pairs of pants, some t shirts, then socks. Wow, $3 off a pack of Hanes boxer-briefs.

Seeing that there's a grocery store here, too, I head over and grab a box of Pop-Tarts, a couple bags of chips and some peanut butter crackers. Tossing a six pack of Sunny Delight into the cart, I make my way to the check out. I ask the cashier where the nearest motel is as I sign the credit receipt. Tossing everything in the truck, I head back down the highway, pulling into the Motel 6 parking lot.

Fifteen minutes and twenty bucks later, I'm opening the door to room 112. Standard motel fare. I toss my stuff on the bed, then head for the bathroom. I shower, shave and pull on a shirt and a fresh pair of Hanes. I lay on the bed, click on the TV and look at the phone. I think about calling someone, but my mind has other ideas. I fall asleep.

It's dark when I open my eyes again. My watch says it's 2:30. I find a local station on the TV and watch the news. I've been asleep for over 14 hours. I reach for the phone and call the only person I think might actually care about where I am. His voice is slightly groggy when he answers.

"Hey Shane," I say. "Did I wake ya?" Quickly he comes to life. "Shannon?" he says. "Where the hell are you? I've been worried sick!" I sigh. "Sorry about that," I say. "But, I had to get out. I couldn't take it any more." I heard him settle himself, then I heard another familiar voice in the background. "I'm fine," I said to Shane, hoping that he would let it go at that.

No such luck. "Where are you?" he asked again. I pause before I answer. "Texas," I say. I can't tell him what city, simply because I don't know. I hear him repeat my answer. There's a brief pause, then I hear someone else on the line. "Shannon, are you okay?" Matt asks. "Come home, baby," he continues. "We're worried about you." I shake my head.

"I'll be home in a few days," I tell him. "I just needed to think about some stuff, to clear my head." Matt sighs. "Wanna talk about it?" he asks. I appreciate his concern, but I don't know what he knows, so I ask him. "Well," he begins. I hear Shane clearing his throat. "Jeff said that he went out and when he came home, you weren't there. He didn't start worrying until the next morning when he realized you hadn't come home."

Leave it to Jeff to give his brother the watered down version of the truth. "That it?" I ask. "He didn't say why he left or where he was?" Matt took his time answering me. "He just said that y'all had an argument and he took a walk to cool off." I laughed, a bittersweet sound echoing off the walls. "So," he continued, "what really happened?" I take a deep breath, wondering if I should tell him or not. Finally, I speak.

"I was going over my schedule, trying to see where my first match was gonna be. I was talking to him, cuz I was excited about it. I mean, you know how long I've waited for this!" I hear him agree with me. "So I was wonderin' who my first match would be against, and what it would be like to be on the road again all the time, and I'm all hyped up and then he said…" my voice trail off as I remember the argument. "He said it was different than the routine I was used to. Then he asked me if I thought I could handle it."

I hear Matt and Shane both sigh. I don't want to think about how many times they've heard this before. And I don't want to think about how I know they're gonna respond. "He didn't mean it," Matt says. "You know that, Shan." Shane pipes up. "Yeah, you know he loves you." Matt speaks again. "He's just scared," he said. "Of what?" I ask a little louder than I should have.

"Losing you," Shane says. Great, I think, I have the Tweedledum and Tweedledee of relationship advice on the phone. Of course they've never had this problem. Matt and Shane are equal. Matt don't look at Shane like he's got to baby him all the time. "How?" I ask. "How could he possibly lose me now? I put up with him crap for the last 6 years, him cheatin' on me, pushin' me away, chasin' me down when I left him. My dream starts comin' true, and now he's gonna freak on me about me leavin' him?"

I was upset. If Jeff was gonna lose me, it woulda been a long time ago. Like when I found out he was sleeping with Jay. Or when he ran off for a weekend with some guy he met at the airport. But, I was the screw-up, according to Jeff. If I had worked harder, I coulda been in the big time long ago. He always forgets what me, Shane and Evan did.

I think he was mad that I was doing stuff without him now. I didn't ask him if it was okay for me to go away for the weekend by myself. I didn't wait for him to come home before I went shopping at the mall. I wasn't Jeff's little toy any more - I was a man now, and it was time I started acting like one. Of course, running like hell when we had a fight was so mature.

"He treats me like I'm still a kid," I say, more to myself than to my friends. "He thinks he's still gotta run my life for me, like I can't do it myself. Does he think if he gives me a little room, I'm gonna run like hell?" I hear Shane laugh a little at that one. "Well," he says. "You did." I hate him. In that moment, I hate Shane…and Matt…and Jeff. But mostly I hate myself.

"Lemme ask ya something," I hear Matt ask. It's funny how much those two sound alike. They look alike too, but most people never notice that. And, if ya tell 'em they act alike, lord, you better be ready to run like hell! "Sure," I say. Matt says, "do ya love him?" Don't beat around the bush much, do ya Matty? "What kinda question is that?" I say. "Of course I do, ya know that. Always have. Ain't a lot that could stop me from loving him. But sometimes I wonder if he loves me the way I love him."

I hear a soft gasp on the other end of the line. That's when I realize that not only had Matt and Shane been on the phone, but so had Jeff. I hear him crying and hear Matt drop the phone. Then, through the silence, I hear Matt comforting him. Jeff is really crying, saying that he loves me more than anything and he thought I knew that. I can't make out the rest of what he's saying, and in my mind I can see him - sitting in the floor, Matt cradling him in his arms, rockin' back and forth.

My heart starts breaking all over again. I hear Shane whisper, "come home, Shanny. He loves you. He needs you. He hasn't slept a wink since you left, and we can't get him to eat, either." I nod, then say, "I'm on my way." I hang up and grab all my stuff. Heading to the truck, I toss the bag in the front seat and start up the truck. As I pull out of the parking lot, I turn on the radio. All I can find is a country station. I turn it up loud, hoping the noise would keep me awake.

I pull into the drive-thru at Whataburger and get some coffee. Heading east, I hit the highway. I'm not sure what I'm gonna say to him when I get home. I'm not sure what's gonna happen now. About the only thing I am sure of is that I love him. I've loved Jeff since before I knew what love was. I been there for him through everything he's done, good and bad. But, it's time he realizes that I have to have my own life too. He does, so why can't I?

I cruise down the highway, heading home. My mind races along with me, wondering what was in store for us. Jeff and I won't have much time together any more, but I know we'll make the most of what time we do get. I drive. The sun starts peaking over the horizon as I cross the Mississippi border. The more I drive, the more I wanna be back home. The more I want to be in my house, in my bed…in Jeff's arms. I'm not sure where, we're going, but I have a feeling we're almost there