I see you looking at me.
Hell, I can feel it. Even from across the room, I know your eyes are on me.
I've always known when your attention was focused on me.
It usually involved whips, paddles and some kind of restraints, but that was then. This is now…and no matter how much you may want it, it ain't happenin'.
Things change.
I could spout clichés all day long, but the fact remains - you and me, we ain't the same.
You don't know me any more, but I still know you. Better than anything, as a matter of fact.
And it scares me.
That we could have gotten inside each other's heads so deep that I know, before you even stand, that you're going to come over here and talk to me.
That you're going to put your hand on my shoulder and lean in to talk to me, your lips brushing against the hair over my ear.
And I know what you'll say.
And you think you know what I'll do, what I'll say, how I'll react.
But you don't know.
You don't know me.
I've grown up a lot in the last year.
I've grown up a lot since you last saw me even.
I don't need the pain any more.
It doesn't define who I am, what I do, how I feel.
Your words still tumble around in my head sometimes.
Ya know, all those things you used to tell me.
No one understands your desires, Jeff.
No one can give you what I do.
No one can make you feel the way I do.
After a while, I started to realize something - I didn't need you.
You needed me.
You, the great, powerful Raven needed me to feed some desire you had.
A desire to rid yourself of your demons.
To cleanse your darkness.
I was a willing pawn.
But not any more.
I know you now.
Every thought.
Every move.
Every dream.
Every desire.
But you don't know me.
You're up. You're moving across the locker room.
Some of the other guys are watching you, but it doesn't matter.
You're standing next to me.
Hand on my shoulder.
Lips inches away from my ear.
I feel the puff of breath before you begin to speak.
And my cell phone rings.
I watch the way your face moves, the way your brow squeezes together.
I know you can hear her voice over the phone.
You can hear her asking me how it's going.
Asking about my match for the night.
Wishing me luck.
Saying I love you - me saying it back.
The look on your face now is priceless. I wish I had a camera.
Your eyes question me, but your mouth never moves.
I just look back at you, knowing what you want to know, what you're dying to ask. Without the question, I give you an answer.
"My girlfriend." You nod.
I know what that nod means.
To others, it's simply a slight movement of the head. But with you, nothing is ever quite that simple. That cut and dried.
From you, that nod means that you understand.
You accept.
You have been defeated.
I don't need you.
But the sadness on your face tells me that you still need me.
Your mind mulls over the fact that I've moved on, that I don't need the pain and the torture and the hell that only you can give me.
You walk away with the knowledge that I have a new life now, a happy life - a normal life.
My smile tells you that it is what I want, what I need, what I am.
You don't know me at all.