I've sure enjoyed the rain but I'm looking forward to the sun
You have to feel the pain when you lose the love you gave someone
I thought by now the time would take away these lonely tears
I hope you're doing fine all alone, but where do I go from here 'cause
Without you I'm not okay
And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place ooh
Without you
Well I never thought I'd be lying here without you by my side
It seems unreal to me that the life you promised was a lie
You made it look so easy, making love into memories
I guess you got what you wanted but what about me 'cause
Without you I'm not okay
And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place ooh
Without you
Somebody tell my head to try to tell my heart
That I'm better off without you, 'cause baby I can't live
Without you I'm not okay
And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place ooh
Without you



I can't do this. I look around at my friends and wonder what they're thinking. Amy's crying - she has been ever since she got here. Shane and Shannon look like they've been to hell and back. Me? I couldn't tell ya how I was if you held a gun to my head and threatened to shoot me. I'm stuck here in the lounge of this freakin' hospital, in the middle of the night, waiting. Waiting for someone to tell me that my life isn't over. To tell me that I have a reason to go on. To tell us all that Matty is awake and he's gonna be just fine.

I look over at Amy and almost feel guilty. She smiles, not a happy one, but one of those "I understand" smiles. No, I think, you don't. You don't have a fucking clue what's going on in my mind. You don't know what happened before that match. No one does. Just me and Matt. The way it should be, the way it's always been. But now…now I don't know. And it's killing me.

The waiting room is filling up. All our friends are coming in, asking if there's any news. I see Dad come in. He went to Amy and hugged her, telling her how strong Matty is, how he'll fight for her. I want to scream at them, tell them that it's not her Matty's gonna fight for. It's me, damn it! I'm the one he loves! I know, cuz he told me. He told me he still loved me, that he always had. He was living a lie, and it was killin' him every day, had been for the last year. He's mine, and I ain't letting go just yet.

We all sit there and wait as an hour passes. Finally the doctor comes in. He said that Matty was pretty banged up. Broken ribs. Broken collarbone. Possible skull fracture. The next 24 hours would be critical. And, he still wasn't awake. My dad asks if we could go see him. The doctor said we could have 10 minutes, but only one of us could go at a time. Amy told Dad to go first. Shannon comes over and sits next to me, rubbing my back. Dad comes back and Amy goes in. I wait for a minute, then go to the bathroom. She was in there for a long time, and I was getting impatient. If she took up my time, I was gonna be so mad.

I stood outside the door, peeking in. She was holding his hand, talking to him. I check my watch again. Nine minutes. One more to go. I watch the seconds click by slowly. When the second hand hit the 12, I push the door open a little, knocking lightly. Amy turns and looks at me, then gets up and walks out. She pats me on the arm, then wipes the tears from her face.

I sit in the chair next to the bed, looking at all the tubes and stuff in Matt. I reach out and took his hand. My fingers run over the soft skin there, remembering all the times I had felt those same hands caressing me in the middle of the night. "I love you," I whisper softly. "Come back to me, Matty." My head dips down and I hold his hand to my forehead, wishing there was some way to transfer my strength to him, to help him fight.

I keep whispering to him, telling him how much he means to me, what I'll do for him to make him happy, how I can't live without him. Not just without him in my life, but without him in my bed. I go on and on, not paying attention to anything but him. The nurse comes in and tells me that my time is up. I ask for more time, but she says they have to run more tests. I kiss his hand one last time and stand, not wanting to let go.

I put his hand back on the bed and turn to leave when I hear something. I look back and see Matt's eyes fluttering open. I call the nurse and she rushes me out of the room, calling for the doctor. I smile at Matt and tell him I'll be back. I make the nurse swear she'll come tell me as soon as she knows anything. I practically run down the hall to the waiting room and tell everyone the good news. The tears start flowing again, but this time they're happy.

I guess I'd dozed off, because Shannon was shaking me awake. I look around and everyone's still smiling. Dad and Amy are looking at me, kinda impatient. "C'mon," Amy said, holding out her hand. She pulls me up and we start down the hall. Matty's still hooked up to the oxygen tube, and he's still laying pretty still, but his eyes are open and when we walk in, he smiles. They rush to him, but I'm hangin' back. I'm afraid of what I might do or say. Seeing him, knowing that, for the moment, he was gonna be okay, was all that I needed.

After a while, the doctor tells us we had to leave, that Matty needs his rest. Matt asks if someone could stay with him, he didn't want to be alone. The doctor nods. Matt motions me to the bed and I go. Then he asks me to take Dad home as he reaches for her. HER!!! We head to the parking lot and I drive. Drop Dad off, then Shane. Me and Shan head to my house where I lock myself in my room and do the worst thing possible - think.

The days go by…then weeks. Matty went home to recover. After a while, I called less and less to check on him. Not cuz I didn't care, but cuz I couldn't stand to hear her voice, how happy she was. How happy he was. What about me? Huh, Matt? What about the plans we made, the promises you made? Why do I have to waste away in my own hell, when I know you wanna break outta yours? Ok, I reason with myself, maybe that concussion made him forget about us, our talk, our life together. But I ain't forgot.

Read the Fourth Story in the series Wish I Didn't Know