I'm lookin' in the mirror
At this woman down and out
She's internally dyin'
I know this was not what love's about

My relationship with Sean was never romantic; I stayed with him because I loved him to death. I knew he loved me, even though he never said it himself. At first if there was a problem he would never hit me or yell at me. He'd just try to solve it. But now things have changed, and it's gotten real ugly.

I don't wanna be this woman
The second time around
'Cause I'm wakin' up screamin', no longer believin'
That I'm gonna be around

See, Sean is not the nicest person in the world. He can be the devil himself, or he can be another angel. When he's alone with me, it's World War 3... Literally. He'll throw me against walls, tables, counters, windows or whatever is around. He try to strangle me with a belt or telephone cord. Alot of people have asked me why did I get a tattoo covering my arm, well it's just to cover up the bruises. And I'm tired of this shit!

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
Gettin' over and over my pride, yeah
I don't know why

Yes, Sean does have control over me. I'm like his puppet, his herb, his bitch-- Whatever you wanna call it. And I hate myself for letting this happen. I've called the police so many times, they don't even bother to come. I can't even wrestle anymore without him watching me. Ever wonder why I changed my ring attire? Since Sean felt the bell bottomed pants were 'too slutty' and he forced me to switch to my baggy pants.

Rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe, no

Oh and lets not get started on the so called 'sex'. I call it rape-- hell it is rape! I shouldn't be passing out every time we have 'sex'. But I was told, ' you get what you deserve'. Ain't that about a bitch? So I deserve to be beaten every fucking day for no reason what so ever? Why am I trying to live, if I'm just waiting to die?

See, I don't want to hold my pillow late at night no more
I'm tossin' and turnin' and thinkin' 'bout burnin' down these walls
I-I don't wanna fuel this fire no more, no more, no more
See, I made up my mind 'cause I've wasted my time
Ain't nothin' here to keep me warm

Why am I trying see, if there ain't nothing in sight? My self-esteem is no more. He's said so many times he'll change, but still I see no changes. I can't do anything anymore, which sucks. I'm practically a hermit. Sure I know you're saying 'this guys is such an idiot. Why doesn't he try to fight back?' Well guess what I have to fight back but that just makes matters worse. It's likes you're in a fight with eight-teen other people and you're the only one there. And you swing at the first guy, then all his friends jump in. So I've stopped talking back, and fighting back.

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
Gettin' over and over my pride, yeah
I don't know why

That movie 'Enough' with Jennifer Lopez is so totally fake. No one is really that lucky, and if they are then God has a plan for you. I guess something's 'ell never change, maybe I am just one big bitch. Why am I trying to give, if no one gives me a try? Am I not a person with emotions or feelings? And I wonder will this ever end?

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
Gettin' over and over my pride, yeah
I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried

I would never wish for Sean to die, because it'll come back to haunt you. But I have tried to kill myself already but I keep surviving. This ring I wear on my finger isn't a symbol that says ' I will always love you' it's just saying ' You're mine, bitch! And you will always be mine! No matter what!'. In my promo pictures, or my autograph signings, or whenever the fuck you people me I'll smile to hide my pain. What I do in the ring is nothing compare to the shit that happens to me at home.

Rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe, no

I've cut my hair and dyed it, gained some weight, lost the stupid little 'Mattitude gimmick' and been more pissy, to make him happy. Yet it still doesn't work, I'm no longer the cute, innocent, little boy who can laugh at storm cloud, turn a frown into a smile, or the kid who has the cutest little dimples and bats his eyes at everyone he sees. I'm just Shannon Moore.

I'm so tired of the rain
In my life
And I'm so tired of the strain
And now you're gonna lie

I guess Matt and Jeff were right about staying away from you. I just a kid-- FUCK I WAS ONLY FIFTEEN! How the hell was I s'pose to know this was going to be my future? This is pain I cannot bare anymore. So many times I would pray to God, wishing that I would meet someone who would control me. Now that I find 'em I wish I could die.

'Cause sometimes I can't sleep at night and
This here it just don't seem right and
Sometimes I just wonder why I
Don't know, let my life go by

I know this bastard has been cheating on me, well I've also been cheating on him with Kendrick, Helms, The Hardys [ Yes, both of 'em ] and some other people. Plus I have also been lying to him. He thinks I lost my virginity to him.. HA! That's the biggest lie I've ever told, I've lost my virginity to Shane Helms and I screwed 3/4 of the OMEGA locker room. Why did he think I was so goddamn popular? It sure wasn't from singing nor dancing. I wonder if he ever wondered why they use to say 'Blondes have more fun' to me? I gave that _expression a meaning.

Rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe, no

Well I really should be going, I hear Sean's keys. Oh God I think he's drunk-- SHIT! My ass is going to be knocked out today. -- S.Moore [ 2-14- 02 ]
-- End of Journal--

" THAT LITTLE DIPSHIT!'' Sean screamed, throwing Shannon's book across the room. He stormed up to their bedroom where Shannon was sound asleep on the bed. "Wake up! WAKE THE FUCK UP!" He yelled grabbing Shannon by his silky blonde hair. "Sean please... What did I do now?" The little blonde asked, tears beginning to form in his hazel eyes. " Well since blondes have more fun, you tell me." Sean said, pushing Shannon on the bed. " What a-are you t-talking about S-Sean?" Shannon asked stuttering between is words.

"Don't act like you don't know. So I wasn't your first at all, now was I?" Sean asked, his voice was cold just like his heart. "Sean, yes you were. I would never lie to you." Shannon replied, his whole body lost it's colour. Shannon shrieked when Sean's first connected with his stomach, which brought him down.

"Sean, I'm sorry. But please don't hurt me. I-- I don't know what I did wrong." Shannon sobbed, he began to wail when he saw what was coming next. "ON YER HANDS AND KNEES, BITCH!" Sean yelled, he got out his semi-hard dick, and jammed it into Shannon. "OH SWEET JESUS!" Shannon screamed. He found himself praying to every god he knew existed-- praying that Sean would finally kill him so he wouldn't have to take this shit everyday.

After a few more thrust Sean finally came, filling Shannon with his semen. "Next time you'll think twice about lying to me." Sean said, kicking Shannon in his stomach. The younger man laid on the floor crying his eyes out. 'Today' he thought, 'today I'm going to do this.' When Sean was asleep, Shannon went downstairs to write in his journal. He found it lying on the floor, next to the broken vase-- which was thrown at him. "Oh Christ no." he whispered, he knew Sean had read his journal entries.

He quickly jotted down his last words in his journal, and closed. Setting it on the coffee table, Shannon then tip-toed up the stairs into the bathroom. He swallowed two bottles of pain killers, and picked up the small razor blade. "Rain on me. Lord, won't you take this pain from me. I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe. Baby, just rain on me. Lord, won't you take this pain from me. I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe, no" Shannon sang, as he began to run the blade over his wrist. At first the pain the horrible, then it began to feel sort of good. Shannon then layed in the bathtub where he died within five minutes.

-- The next day--

Dear Sean, I know you're probably reading this right now. I'm letting you know that I've taken your shit for a long time and now I'm tired of it. So this is my good-bye to you. I have already killed myself, and now it's time for you to realize what you're going to miss. Because no man will ever put with your shit the way I did. So fuck you, you worthless piece of crap. Burn in hell! [ Shannon Brian Moore].

Sean closed the journal and rushed to the bathroom, where he saw his young lover laying dead in a pool of his own blood. Seven slits to the wrist-- dead he was, and dead he will stay forever. "Shannon... I Love You." Sean whispered kissing is dead lover's hand.