Hollow Years: Part Two
J., I miss you.
~Jared
Jensen runs a finger over the letters, imagining he can feel them stand out from the scratch of the paper. I miss you. Such a simple phrase that speaks volumes of forgiveness and longing. I miss you. He touches the letters again, hoping that they will soak through his skin and let him feel it. It's like he's dead inside, cut off from everything and everyone. The only thing he feels when running his finger over the letters is guilt, thick and heavy coiling in his gut.
He pushes the book away, watching as it skids over the slick surface of the table and clatters to the floor. I miss you. He picks up the only other item on the table instead, a yellow pamphlet. He's read it so many times that he knows the words by heart now. Book signing at the Magic Box, Tuesday at 7 pm, Come and meet the author of the best selling book Once And Forever, Jared Padalecki. Be there!
There's a picture of Jared, grainy and smudged, but Jensen would know that grin anywhere. He looks happy, carefree, like he's moved on. I miss you. He walks around the table and picks the book up again, looking at the inside of the back cover. There's another picture there, Jared's smiling for the camera but the smile doesn't reach his eyes.
He reads the biography again, like it's going to make more sense this time. Jared Padalecki is a self-employed computer engineer that lives in Sunnydale, CA with a friend and two dogs. Once and Forever is his first book, but he assures us there are many yet to come. Watch out for this young novelist on the rise.
Jensen drops the book on the table and scrubs a hand over his face. Friend. What does that mean anyway? Lover, flat mate, mortal enemy? He resists the urge to tear the book into tiny scraps of paper and picks up the pamphlet again. A book signing, he wonders if Jared's friend will be there, standing behind his chair perhaps, with a hand on Jared's shoulder.
Friend. The only reason to put friend instead of lover is that the friend is male. At least that's what Jensen gathers and he firmly believes he's right. Jared was gay in high school, before Jensen even, and he hardly thinks Jared's had a change of mind. Still lover is gender neutral enough maybe this mysterious guy really is only a friend. But why would someone like Jared have a platonic flat mate? It doesn't make sense.
He looks at the picture on the pamphlet again, running a finger over Jared's face. He looks older, sharper around the edges, not a baby anymore. It's been five years, Jared's twenty-one now, no longer a high school kid, but a young man. A young man that knows what he wants and who has a special friend.
He grinds his teeth and puts the paper down, smoothing a hand over its surface where he crinkled it slightly. The book glares at him from the table, full of words out of Jared's beautiful brain. It's a story about two demon hunting brothers and Jensen knows he was the model for the older brother, just as he can easily read Jared all over the younger.
There's so much love between the brothers but also so much pain and frustration. They come from the same background, had the same patched together childhood but still on some fundamental level they don't understand each other at all. Jensen recognizes the story, at least the basics of it, he's read it once before.
~*~
"Could I read that story you showed me again? I've been thinking a lot about it lately."
"I threw it away."
Jared looks away, focusing his eyes on something in the distance; maybe he's wishing he was at home already. School's over for the day and Jensen was just lucky to run into him in the corridor.
"Why'd you do that?" Jensen asks.
He doesn't like the faraway look on Jared's face or the tight pinch around his eyes. He carries way too much responsibility on his shoulders for a sixteen year old.
"What's the point?" Jared retorts, looking back at Jensen. "I can never be a writer, I have obligations."
"Yeah, you've said that before. Obligations to whom?"
"To society, I don't know... God?"
Jensen wants to take him by the shoulders and shake the nonsense out of him. He probably would have too; had he not known the words weren't Jared's own, but something that had been pounded into him by the adults around him.
"God? You think God made you smart for you to waste your life away doing something you hate?"
"I wouldn't hate it," Jared mumbles, looking down.
"Jared..." Jensen bites the inside of his lip trying to come up with something to say that will actually get through to Jared. "There is nothing that says you can't be a writer even if you pursue a career in something else. Writing is something you do with your heart, not with your brain."
Jared smiles a little, dimples appearing on his cheeks. "Why are you always so nice to me?"
"Because you deserve it," Jensen answers with a smile. He wants to reach out and touch Jared's dimples, see if it makes him smile wider, or not. "I stand by what I said, you're a good writer and if writing makes you happy, you should do it."
"Thanks... Jensen."
Jared looks at him through his fringe and if he didn't believe Jared incapable of that type of forwardness Jensen would swear he was flirting. There's just something about the way his hair falls over his expressive eyes, the line of his nose, the mischievous set of his mouth. Without meaning to he reaches out and pushes Jared's hair out of his eyes, smiling when Jared turns his head into the touch. The caress lasts only for a second, but it tingles on his fingertips long after he pulled his hand away.
~*~
Jensen blinks and shakes his head to clear the fog out. What the fuck? He's been having flashbacks from the past in his dreams lately, but he wrote it off to Jared's book coming out and seeing his smiling face again, if only in pictures. But having them in the middle of the day is certainly not normal.
He gets up from the table and gets the cordless phone from its holder, punching in a familiar number. A phone is one of the very few luxuries he allows himself but using it makes him feel as if he's failing some secret test. Chris says he's taking this whole penance thing way too far and that a man can only punish himself that much, but Jensen rarely listens to what he has to say. He doesn't get it anyway, no one does.
"Yeah." Jensen thinks that Steve's way of answering his phone leaves something to be desired.
"It's me," he says, because if Steve wants to play the cryptic game he's up against a pro.
"Chris put that down, would you? I swear taking him anywhere is like taking a five year old to a China shop."
Jensen smiles and takes a seat on the bed. "Where are you?"
"The Magic Box."
Jensen's heart makes a double take. "What are you doing there?" he asks, his voice full of alarm. Jared's met Steve before, he would probably recognize him if he saw him.
"Shopping," Steve says, and Jensen can hear his eye roll. "What did you want anyway?"
"I uh... I've been getting these flashbacks... You know... It's like I'm dropped back in time and reliving my past. At first it only happened when I was sleeping, but just now I had one while awake."
"I thought you didn't sleep," Steve says.
"Not if I can help it," Jensen admits, but he can't stay awake endlessly, eventually he just passes out and with sleep comes the dreams.
"Flashbacks? I don't know, you think they're mystical?"
"I don't know, but they seem so real. It's like I'm there again."
"Hmm... Well sometimes flashbacks serve a purpose, you're supposed to right some wrong doing from the past, or maybe see a pattern that you didn't notice before. Sometimes they herald some event yet to come and sometimes it means you're just crazy. Hard to say, man. But with your constant case of sleep deprivation, they could just be hallucinations. I'll look into it." There is the sound of breaking porcelain in the background. "Fuck, I gotta go."
Jensen smiles as he disconnects the call and puts the phone back in the holder. Chris says that always keeping a cordless phone in the holder is a sign of serious OCD, or that you have way too much time on your hands. Jensen thinks it might be a little bit of both. It's not like he allows himself much in the way of entertainment during the days, he reads sometimes, jots down notes on things, but mostly he thinks.
At night he goes out, leaving his barren apartment to move around the outskirts of humanity, killing as many things as he can that preys on the weak and defenseless. He moves like a ghost around town, never talking to anyone, never stopping at one place for too long.
He knows he's called The Ghost in the underworld that he is a story they tell their kids at night, like they talk about the slayer. Half the demons he met didn't even think he was real until he separated their heads from their bodies and he supposes that is as good a time to start believing as any.
He moves over to a window and looks out between the curtains at the sun shining from a clear blue sky, California in August showing itself from its best side. A young boy walks past, looking up at the window for a moment and the way he moves reminds Jensen so much of Jared it's like someone grabbed his heart and squeezed. Letting the curtains fall shut he takes half step back and closes his eyes.
~*~
Jensen's bored, he's been pacing the crypt for hours looking for something to do. Every now and then he peeks out through the crypt door, watching the sun's progress over the sky. He knows the boy won't come until the sun is almost touching the treetops from his vantage point, but it doesn't hurt to look. He's careful not to let the sun fall on him though, he did that once and it hurt, a lot, and his skin started smoking.
The boy says the sun is dangerous to him and that he should avoid it and Jensen does as the boy says. He takes up the book the boy brought him, the one with pretty pictures, but it doesn't hold his interest for very long. He knows the words around the pictures, he knows he does, but no matter how long he looks they don't make sense. The boy has to come and read them to him, so he can understand about the pictures.
He thinks he was someone else once, something more than now. The words should make sense to him, they did once. Once the words was all he had, the words and his love for the boy. He remembers loving the boy before he became this, remembers looking at him and feeling warm inside. But the memory is tainted by a sense of wrongness, like he is wrong now, stupid.
He wonders why he couldn't love the boy before, why loving the boy hurt so much. In this new world, as he is now, loving the boy is the only thing that makes sense. He moves into the corner of the crypt, where he has a box with his things. He opens it and takes out one of the boy's shirts. The boy said he could have it, he didn't steal it and it still smells like the boy.
He presses it against his face and smiles as he inhale. The boys smell makes him feel funny inside, warm, and hot, and heavy. Like there is something he wants to do that he can't quite remember. He wishes he were smarter, he's sure he would know then.
The boy sometimes smells like he feels now, hot and heavy and fantastic, but it seems to make the boy embarrassed, like it's not right to smell that way. Jensen thinks it's right, it makes the boy smell better than ever.
He puts the shirt back and goes to look out the crypt door again. The sun is almost at the trees now; the boy should be here soon. He moves over to sit at the stone casket at the centre of the crypt, looking intently at the door. He must remember not to jump on the boy, because it makes the boy blush red and be embarrassed. Sometimes it also makes the boy smell delicious, but the boy says he shouldn't jump and he wants to please the boy.
He will be here soon, any minute now. Jensen stares at the door listens intently for the boy's heartbeat. He can't hear it yet, but soon he will and it will thrum in time with his unbeating heart. The boy will come and all will be right.
~*~
"Fuck."
Jensen opens his eyes and takes a deep breath, then another one. Being back in that time, in that crypt, it hurts. Yet he can still remember what it felt like when Jared was his entire world. Well, in a way he still is, but thinking of Jared now hurts like someone is stabbing him in the chest with a blunt knife. He can't ever let himself think about Jared in that happy carefree way, he has to remember at all times what he did. He has to remember and pay for it.
He wants the sun to set so that he can get out of this apartment, even though he doesn't have to breathe the stale air gets to him. It seems breathing is a habit it's hard to kick and even though he does indeed sleep like the dead when he sleeps, he still breathes when he's awake.
He walks back and forth in the one room, fifteen steps in one direction and fifteen steps back. There's a narrow bed, Steve calls it cot, a table with two chairs and a bookshelf. The only decorations are a cross on the wall above the bed and a clock over the door to the kitchenette. The clock counts out the seconds with ticks that echoes around the room.
The carpet is old and worn, he supposes it was once blue, now it's a dull grayish color almost scraped bare in places. He feels like an animal in a cage, watching the world through the bars of his prison but never apart of it. His prison is his guilt and the prophecy that fell from Jared's lips five years ago.
The only human you'll ever kill is me. He came so close once that he will never risk it again. In five years he's never let himself come near Jared, yet unable to leave town and set up camp somewhere else. He has to be here, has to stay in case Jared needs him, but he can't ever see him.
Three years ago Jared walked past his apartment in the middle of the day. Jensen watched him through the curtains, watched and longed. Had Jared just stayed for a second, looked up at his window, he would have been unable to stop himself, but Jared walked on by, passing no more than a few feet from Jensen's face without ever knowing he was there.
He stops at the table and looks down on the book resting thing there, Once And Forever. He wonders if the title is a subtle message, or if thinking like that is a sign that he's gone insane after all. He's been close before, stumbling along the edge of sanity, clinging to his memories of Jared like a life line even when they were the very thing that was hurting him.
Once and Forever. The title has no particular bearing on the book, it's not completely out of the blue, but there are several other titles that come to mind after reading it that would have suited it better. The short story Jensen once read was titled The Brothers Winchester and that would still have worked as a title, kind of a Grimm tie in that Jensen liked.
But maybe the title is just a product of some editor's lack of imagination, or something that Jared's friend suggested. He growls, wiping the book off the table, watching it smack into the wall with satisfaction. He promised himself he wouldn't tear this one, not after what happened with the first.
He don't think he's ever scared Steve as much as he did when Steve found him crawling around the floor, crying hysterically and trying to fit the pieces of the torn up book together. When he first immersed himself in Jared's world it was too intense, too much and he couldn't distance himself. He saw Jared in every word and it tore him apart with claws made of ink on cheap paper.
He didn't calm down until Steve got him a new one and even then he couldn't stop looking at the mess he created, bleary eyed and wrung out. It wasn't until Steve had cleaned up every last piece of torn paper that he was finally able to relax, falling asleep with his new book clutched to his chest, only to wake up a few hours later from a nightmare.
In a way he's grateful that Jared decided to pursue his dream, because it's a way to be close to his heart from afar. And in a way he wishes he'd never put the idea in Jared's head, because it's too much of what he can never have.
~*~
The boy is early and he smells like chocolate. Jensen likes chocolate almost as much as he likes the boy, loves the way it won't really melt on his tongue unless he drinks something warm first, loves its sweet sugary tang.
"Chocolate?" he asks excitedly, crowding the boy up against the door and smelling him.
"Sorry," the boy says. "I ate in on my way over."
"Oh."
He whines a little and presses closer to the boy, smelling his sweet breath.
"Jen..." The boy blushes, pushing at his shoulders, but he won't budge this time. The boy smells even better now, chocolaty with a side of hot and heavy. It's delicious, heady and he can't stop sniffing him.
He rubs up against the boy, breathing in his exhale and the boy makes a startled little sound. He's warm all over and Jensen can hear his pulse thunder, faster than normal. Jensen makes a pleased sound, breathing in the boy's exhale, pulling the sweet smell of boy and chocolate into his lungs. He darts his tongue out a licks at the boy's lips, catching the tempting taste of chocolate.
The boy gasps opening his mouth and he licks him again, licking into the warm wetness of his mouth. He remembers this, from before, remembers pressing mouths together and tangling tongues. He thinks, the boy knows it too, because his tongue meets Jensen's sweet and unsure but there. Something niggling at the back of his mind says he shouldn't do this, not to the boy, but he can't help it.
The boy's hands are grabbing his shoulders, caught between pushing him back and holding him close and Jensen don't want to move away. Everything feels good when the boy is pressed up close, hot and quivering. He feels warm and wonderful all over and the boy tastes delicious, like himself and chocolate and the burrito he had for lunch.
He closes his eyes letting himself get lost in the sensation of the boy, lips, tongue and heat. Licking and tasting the boys mouth, trying to get as close as possible, until the boy pushes him away, hard.
He blinks, tilting his head to the side and watching the boy, who's flushed and gorgeous, leaning back against the wall with his mouth open. He moves closer again to capture that mouth, but boy holds him back.
"Need... to breathe," he pants. "Head swimming."
Jensen whines low in his throat, he didn't mean to hurt the boy. He moves closer, nuzzling his face against the boy's neck, stroking his side's with apologetic fingers. He can feel boy's pulse fluttering against his lips, beating fast and sure, and he inhales deeply. The boy is his now, warm and heavy and quivering against him, no one else can touch him now.
~*~
Jensen comes back to reality and his barren apartment with a gasp, had he been human his cheeks would be flushed, but as it is he just feels as if they are. He can still feel Jared's lips on his, his hot quivering body pressed up against him and if he'd had a pulse it would be throbbing in his ears.
"Jesus," he whispers, the words falling flat in the empty apartment. "Fuck."
These flashbacks have to stop, he can't go through it all again, he just can't. He can't let himself remember what it was like to have Jared without guilt or regrets, can't let himself forget. Five years, he's been running from his past and now it seems to be catching up with him.
He glances at the clock again, the sun will set soon and when it does he will get out of the apartment and he won't go anywhere near The Magic Box or Jared's stupid book signing, or his friend potentially leaning against his chair. He just wants to get out, stretch his legs and kill some evil son's of bitches.
Of course destiny always had it in for Jensen and the vampire he tries to kill takes off running through the town. When he finally dusts it he finds himself half a block from the Magic Box and he's unable to stop himself from moving closer. It's eight pm, the book signing started already and he should be able to see Jared through the window. He's just going to look at him, not go inside and cause a scene. All he really wants is to see him in real life, see how he's changed from the boy he used to know.
He's been resisting the temptation to find Jared for five years, but now he finds himself unable too. Slowly walking in the direction of the shop, hoping for some sort of divine intervention, but of course it doesn't happen. A few minutes later he finds himself standing outside the Magic Box, looking in through the window at the crowd inside.
Jared is sitting at a table with a pile of books at his hand and a smile on his face. He's got a book open in front of him and is busy writing someone's name, or maybe his own. His hair is still too long, falling over his face when he bends forward and Jensen wants to reach out and push it away.
Jared finishes his writing and looks up, handing the book over to whoever owns it. He smiles, dimples flashing on his cheeks, at something the book owner says before he turns to the next person approaching him. For a moment he glances towards the window and Jensen gasps. There is a world of pain in his bloodshot eyes and dark circles smudge the skin underneath them.
He raises a hand to his temple in a familiar way and grimaces slightly, the grimace soon hidden behind another smile. Jensen notices the way his hand tremble as he puts it back on the table, even though he's trying to conceal it.
"What happened to you?" he asks the window, but it has no answers.
He always imagined that if he ran into Jared again he would still be the naïve sixteen year old he once knew, only a little older and maybe more jaded. He figured his smiles would still reach his eyes and that he would be happy. Jared looks anything but happy to someone who knows him, or used to know him. He might fool the goth girls queuing for his autograph, or a casual observer, but he doesn't fool Jensen.
Isn't the friend and the dogs good to him? Is someone hurting him? Or is this all Jensen's doing? Did he break the child Jared used to be so irrevocably he never got up again? Guilt eats away at him, gnaws on his insides until he feels like he's going to throw up.
He has to talk to Jared. In all these years he never apologized, maybe that's what they both need for them to be able to move on. He has to try at least. If Jared wants nothing to do with him, he'll never bother him again.
~*~
Jensen loves to hear the boy talk, even though he doesn't always understand what he's talking about. He loves the way the boy shines when he gets excited over something, talking fast and waving his hands around. He talks to Jensen as if he understands and he likes that. He likes to be included, likes to feel as if he's not wrong.
The boy got a paper in his hand; it's blue with writings on it. He waves it around when he talks, thrusting it in Jensen's face every now and then. Jensen thinks he's probably talking about the blue paper. It's a pretty paper; Jensen can see that, he just doesn't know what's so exciting about it.
"And it's tonight," the boy says, all flushed and happy. "And the guy who gave me the flyer was really cute and you know nice."
Jensen growls a little. He knows cute and it's not something the boy should be thinking about.
"It's just band," the boys says, reaching out and ruffling his hair. "I'm not gonna run off with the singer or something. He's way too old for me anyway."
Jensen growls a little more, just before tackling the boy to the ground and eating his laughter with his mouth. He loves the boy when he's happy like this, all flushed and laughing. The boy squirms underneath him, still laughing into Jensen's mouth and it feels good, happy. Jensen's happy and for a moment he lets go of the feeling of wrongness, because he's happy and with the boy, that's all he'll ever need.
~*~
When he comes back to himself Jensen's happy to find that he's still standing in the dark outside the Magic Box and Jared is still inside sitting at his table. Jared's looking a little out of it though and Jensen finds himself wondering if Jared gets the flashbacks too. Maybe he'll find out later, if he gets a chance to talk to Jared.
He has no idea for how long Jared will be caught inside signing books, but if there's something he's good at it's waiting. Maybe it's stupid to approach Jared today; he'll probably be surrounded by his friends when he comes out, but Jensen's not sure he'll ever have the guts again. Casting one last longing glance at Jared he settles down in the shadows to wait, one way or another he will approach Jared tonight.
It takes hours before Jared finally appears together with the slayer, Jensen can feel her like a sore tooth, and a younger girl. He can hear them talking and laughing, but he's not close enough to hear what they are saying. They start walking away from the shop and Jensen follows them on a distance, making sure to never get close enough to be noticed.
Jared's walking slowly, like he's tired, and his shoulders slumps, making him look as if he's ashamed to be tall. Jensen hates to see him like that, wishes he could make him stand up straight again. It feels surreal to be watching Jared like this, stalking him, and he almost regrets his decision to talk to him. Jared won't want to talk to him now, won't listen to whatever lame apologies Jensen can offer, but still he's unable to turn back around or take another path. It feels as if Jared is magnetic, pulling him along by the navel and he's unwilling to resist.
Jared parts way with the slayer and the girl, not far from the apartment building where he lives now. There seems to some sort of argument, like the slayer is reluctant to let him walk the last few feet alone, but Jared wins it with a lot of gesturing towards the building and the brightly lit path leading to it. Jensen moves around them, walking in the shadows until he's ahead of Jared on the path.
He looks up at the building, wondering which window is Jared's. He knows that Jared lives here, looked up his address when Jared moved out from the dorms, but he doesn't know which window is his. He wonders if it's one with a light, if Jared's friend is home waiting for him. The thought sets his teeth on edge and he shies away from it, refusing to let his thoughts stray in that direction again. Jared is his own man now, with his own life, Jensen has no part of it. Has no right to be a part of it.
He watches as Jared hugs the slayer and the younger girl goodbye and starts walking up the path towards him. He almost loses his nerve then, what right has he to ask for forgiveness now? But as Jared comes closer the longing is so palpable it feels as if it's a living thing. He has to talk to Jared, if only for a minute.
"Jared," he calls out when Jared has almost passed him, battling with himself until the very last second.
Jared stops dead, just standing there, the tenseness of his body betrayed by the rigid set of his shoulders. It takes forever but then he turns slowly, his eyes scanning the shadows until they land on Jensen. Jensen swallows, a shiver running down his spine as Jared takes a step closer, moving slow as if he's afraid Jensen will bolt. The thought has crossed his mind, but he stands still as Jared walks closer.
"Jensen?" Jared asks, his voice a barely there whisper, like he can't believe the evidence of his eyes.
He walks up to Jensen until he's standing just a couple of feet away, hardly a step for his long legs. Jensen had forgotten how tall he was, and suspects Jared's grown even more since he was a puppyish sixteen year old. Jared looks at him with his head tilted to the side, his heart beating wildly in his chest, but his breath nothing but a whisper.
"Jensen," he says again, lifting a hand towards Jensen's face but stopping short of actually touching.
Jensen opens his mouth to say something, anything, but he can't find the words. They stare at each other for several long seconds, tension crackling between them, before Jared lets his hand drop.
"Are you even here?" Jared asks, sounding tired and defeated, like life screwed him over one too many times.
"Yes," Jensen answers, finally finding his voice.
~*~
The boy isn't back yet. It's late and the boy isn't there. He promised he would come back after the show, promised and the moon is high, he should be back. Jensen walks up and down the crypt, counting the steps to himself and coming up with different numbers every time.
The boy made him promise to not go outside and to hide if someone came close that isn't the boy. There's a manhole at the back at the crypt that Jensen can crawl into that if he has to, but there's been no need so far. A few people passed by, no one came real close.
The boy left his pretty blue paper, so Jensen picks it up and sniffs it. It smells weird and chemical, but also a little like the boy and another person. He crinkles his nose, he knows the other person's smell. He squints at the paper, trying to make sense of the words, but they are just big blocks. He smells it again and faint picture appearing in his mind, like a distorted photograph. Long hair, blue eyes, nice smile. It's important somehow, the other person is important to Jensen, but he can't remember how, or why.
With a growl of frustration he throws the paper away. It flutters to the ground in an uninspiring way. He walks over and stomps on it, before changing his mind, picking it up and smoothing it out. It's the boy's paper, he don't want to ruin the boy's things. He thinks he hears something and runs over to the door, peering outside and straining his ears to hear. A smile blossoms on his face, it's the boy.
~*~
Jensen opens his eyes to find that Jared is still standing before him, looking about as confused as he is.
"Did you..." Jared starts and Jensen nods. Jared purses his lips. "I was at the concert, going back to you."
"I was in the crypt waiting for you to come back."
The unspoken lies heavy between them; they both know where the next flashback will take them.
"How long?"
"Couple of weeks."
"Same here."
They share another look as the silence stretches out between them. It's like they're both waiting for it to happen, for the flash to come and take them back there. Jensen's not sure he can do it, he can't go back there with Jared right in front of him, can't deal with the fall out.
He turns on his heal and starts walking away, away from Jared, away from everything. He doesn't even know what he's doing but he knows he can't stay. He doesn't get very far before Jared catches up with, grabbing his arm and pulling him to a stop.
"Don't you dare walk away," he snarls. "Five fucking years Jen. Five fucking years. You think you can just pop up say howdy and walk away? I don't fucking think so."
Jensen turns around morphing into game face and growling at Jared, who doesn't seem the slightest bit taken aback. He just growls back, even though it sounds kind of silly coming from his human throat. They stare at each other for a moment, eyes narrowed and teeth bared. Then Jensen morphs back into his normal face and Jared uses the grip he has on his upper arm to pull him closer.
Jensen brings his hands up to rest at Jared's shoulders and half a second later Jared bends down and kisses him. The initial contact crackles like lightning down Jensen's spine, setting his body on fire. He's half convinced that if he opens his eyes his skin will be smoking. Jared's lips burn like holy water against his and his tongue tastes like salvation. It's hot and hard, frantic and perfect; his fingers digging into Jared's shoulders and Jared's hands gripping his biceps hard enough to bruise.
They kiss like there will be no tomorrow, like yesterday doesn't count and the next moment is but a figment of their imagination. Tongues tangling and teeth clashing as they fight to get closer than possible. Jared groans into the kiss, biting at Jensen's lips, thrusting his tongue deep into Jensen's mouth until Jensen feels like he's dying and being born at the same time.
Jensen pulls back slightly, letting Jared gasp for breath, his exhale fanning moist and delicious over Jensen's face. He's breathing too, shallow measured breaths to match Jared's gasps. He even imagines he can feel Jared's heart thrum in his chest, counting out the beats for a heart that's been silent for five years.
Jared nips at his lips, provoking another kiss. Long, and messy, but with a little less frantic urgency. It's more a re-learning thing, mapping out each other's mouth, tasting and feeling. Jared's hands ease up on his biceps, stroking up and down in time with his tongue and Jensen lets his hands slide around Jared's neck, keeping him close. It feels as if Jared's pulse is thrumming right through him, rousing his own unbeating heart to respond.
He knows he can't have this, can't have Jared like this, but he can't stop himself from responding. God, he missed Jared so much, even more than he even realized before now, with Jared in his arms again. He wants to crawl inside Jared and never leave, touch him, kiss him, taste him. With a gasp he pushes Jared away, his hands firm on Jared's shoulders as he tries to keep him from moving closer again.
"What's wrong?" Jared asks, his voice rough and soft at the same time.
Jensen can't look at him, so he looks over Jared's shoulder, at the treetops and the pretty night sky, shaking his head without saying anything. He should step away, let his hands drop from Jared's shoulders, but it's impossible to let go. He wants to relearn Jared's body, find all the new dips and angles, how he changed and filled out over the years, but he can't.
~*~
From the first look of the boy Jensen knows something is different, something feels different, deep and primal. Maybe there's something about the boy, or maybe there's just something about him. The boy is grinning, bouncing more than walking and he's wearing another shirt than the one he left in. One with writing and faces on the front. Jensen knows those faces, knows those faces very well, but his mind is empty were their names ought to be.
He catches the boy in his arms as he comes down the steps and pulls him into the crypt with an arm around his waist. The boy just laughs steadying himself with his hands on Jensen's shoulders. His breath smells chemical, not it's usual sweet flavor and Jensen crinkles his nose.
"You drank," he says, unhappy and uneasy.
The boy laughs and breaks free from Jensen's arms to twirl around the room with his arms spread out. Jensen's there to catch him when he stumbles and almost falls to the floor.
"I just had a couple of... something. I don't remember what they were called. I feel awesome."
Jensen crinkles his nose, pulling the boy close to him. He smells the boy's neck and a growl comes out of him, building in crescendo as he recognizes the smell of someone not him on the boy's skin. He pushes the boy away, making him stumble and land flat on his ass.
"Hey," the boy says, glaring at Jensen. "What's wrong with you?"
Jensen doesn't answer, he just keeps growling pacing back and forth before the boy. There's something he needs to do, something he has to do, but he doesn't know what it is. The boy has to be his, only his; no one else can touch him. The boy clambers to his feet and puts a hand on Jensen's tense shoulder. He turns and snarls at him, lips pulled back over his teeth.
"What's wrong?" the boy asks, voice soft and confused. "You know I only love you."
"Touched you," Jensen grounds out, shrugging the boy's hand away. "Smell like him."
"Steve?" Jensen's growl intensifies. "He just gave me a hug. They were your friends Jen, they knew you."
He advances on the boy, making him back up with a mix of fear and trust in his eyes, until the boy is pressed against the wall, Jensen crowding his space. He remembers like he saw it once in a dream about kissing and touching and owning, about making someone scream his name because it feels so good. It's not exact or absolute, but he needs to do something to make the boy his; needs to own him.
He catches the boy's hands, locking them above his head with a grip around both his wrists. The boy looks up and when he looks down his eyes are dark and smirk is curling his mouth.
"Want you," he says.
Jensen presses closer, shivering when the hot length of the boy's cock comes in contact with his thigh; knows he's doing something right if the boy feels like that. He kisses him, licking the taste of chemicals out of the boy's mouth until all he can taste is them. He moves lower then, licking a stripe up the boy's neck, over his fluttering pulse point, tasting and nipping until he can no longer smell the other on the boy's skin.
The boy's eyes are closed, his head thrown back and his chest heaves with his panted breaths. He's moving against Jensen, pressing his cock against Jensen's thigh with short uneven jerks. A flush has risen in his cheeks, making them bloom red and he's never been so beautiful.
He rips the boy's shirt open down the front with his free hand, tearing the picture on the front without caring about the boy's weak protest. He feels feverish and his hand is shaking as he presses it against the boy's chest, feeling his heart beat strong and sure against his palm.
~*~
"No."
Jensen doesn't know how, but he's pretty sure he managed to rip them out of that flashback by pure force of will. He can't watch it come to end, can't deal with remembering how it all turned out. He backs away from Jared, stumbling blindly until he trips over something and ends up on the ground.
Jared follows after him, his mouth pressed into a thin line. Jensen waits for the blow, wants it even, but Jared just reaches down and pulls him to his feet.
"Don't run away from this," he says. "Don't run away from me."
Jensen looks away, unable to meet Jared's eyes. He knows he deserves to live it all again, knows that he deserves to have Jared there to judge him, but he can't do it. In his mind he's been able to trick himself over the years, change the story to fit his despair. To actually be back there and realize, remember, how clueless he actually was makes it all worse somehow.
"You don't fucking get it, do you?"
Jared shoves him up against a nearby tree trunk, moving into his personal space and shoving a thigh in between Jensen's, making it impossible to hide how much the past turned him on. He hasn't touched himself since that night, denying himself any kind of release and having Jared's thigh pressing hot and hard against his erection is almost enough to make him come no matter how distraught he is.
"Please," he whispers, but he doesn't even know what he's begging for, release or for Jared to let him go.
"Jen," Jared's voice is unbelievably soft and he reaches up to cup Jensen's cheek with one of his hands. "What are you so upset about?"
"I can't," he answers, trying to wriggle away from Jared, but he just ends up grinding against him, powerless to resist. "I hurt you."
Jared laughs, but it's sharp and bitter. "Yeah, you did, but not the way you seem to think."
Jensen doesn't know what to answer. He puts his hands on Jared's shoulders to push him away, but ends up just fisting his shirt in his hands. Jared moves even closer, so that his mouth is pressed against Jensen's ear.
"No one ever touched me like you did," he whispers, low and raspy. "No one ever held me like that, or wanted me like that. I've never been so turned on, never came so hard in my life."
He nips at Jensen's earlobe before lifting his head and looking at him.
"I want to make you see it through my eyes," he says before pressing their foreheads together.
Jensen doesn't know what happens next but for a moment it's like he's inside Jared's head. The pain and the loneliness are almost overwhelming and he fights to get out, but before he can everything shifts.
~*~
Jared can't breathe right with one of Jensen's hands holding his wrist above his head and the other pressing against his chest. It feels as if his heart is about to thump out of his chest and every breath is panted and harsh. He dreamed about this, about Jensen just claiming him for his own, but he never really dared to think it would really happen, even after Jensen kissed him that first time.
He can't stop shifting his hips against Jensen's hard thigh, dragging his cock against the hard muscles until it feels as if he's about to come, every nerve ending sensitized. Jensen bends forward, licking the sheen of sweat on his chest and he groans, letting his head thump back against the stone wall.
"Jen," he breathes. "Jen, Jen, Jen..."
Jensen's mouth is cool on his over heated skin, making goose bumps rise in its wake. He trembles all over, teetering at the edge as Jensen's mouth passes over one of his nipples, making it tighten almost painfully against his tongue.
"Right there," he manages, fighting the hold Jensen has on his wrist. "Yeah... OH God."
Jensen laps at his nipple, toying with it until Jared can hardly take it anymore, keening low in his throat and rubbing himself hard against Jensen's thigh. His boxers are wet with precome, he's pretty sure it's even leaked through his jeans by now and he's never been so turned on in his life.
Jensen moves to the other nipple, sucking it until it stands out against Jared's chest, swollen, red and glistening with saliva.
"Please," Jared gasps. "Please Jen."
He's not really sure Jensen even knows what he wants him to do, but he can feel Jensen's erection pressing against him so he ought to at least have some kind of clue. Jensen looks up and let go of Jared's wrists. His arms fall limply to his side, prickling with the loss of circulation. He soon regains his ability to move them though, reaching up to grab Jensen's hips, pulling him even closer.
"Oh God," he groans, letting his head fall to Jensen's shoulder as he shamelessly humps his thigh. Jensen's hands roam over his back under the T-shirt until he slides them down to cup Jared's ass, pulling him up against him.
"Jen," he moans, fingers digging into the ridge of Jensen's hipbone. "Jen touch me."
Jensen seems to get what he means, at least he lets one hand slide in between them, cupping Jared through his jeans and squeezing roughly. With a howl Jared comes, his orgasm rushing through him in waves until he sags against Jensen's hard body completely spent.
What happens next does so in a blur of movement and heated touches. Jensen lays him down on the mattress, removing the rest of his clothes in a flurry that sends the buttons on his jeans clattering against the wall. Then Jensen's mouth is right there, licking the semen from his skin until his cock is once again rising against his stomach, eagerly responding to Jensen's cool tongue.
He writhes and groans on the sheets, fisting them in his hands as he shamelessly begs Jensen for more. Jensen suddenly flips him over, pulling him up onto his knees and he can't find it himself to protest when his cock is throbbing in time with his pulse and it feels as if he's about to explode.
Then Jensen's tongue slides in between his ass cheeks and he swallows a scream. His cheeks flame with embarrassment, yet he never wants Jensen to stop ever. His cool tongue is circling around his hole, slick and wonderful, making Jared's cock throb harder, precome gushing down the shaft.
It feels so wonderfully dirty and intimate at the same time that he's not sure if he wants to come, or get away. Then Jensen's tongue pushes into him and he decides on the first, his second orgasm hitting him like a blow to the gut without the slightest warning.
It all gets even more blurry after that, his cheek rubbing against the sheets and his cock twitching vainly while Jensen's tongue fucks into him, time and time again. Then Jensen finds some amazing place within him and stars go off before his eyes, making him shake with pleasure.
"Fuck me," he begs, not even recognizing his own hoarse voice. "Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me."
He spreads his legs wider, trying to get Jensen to just do it. He wants Jensen inside of him, wants Jensen to fuck him raw. It probably will hurt, a lot even, but he doesn't care. He hears Jensen fumble with his zipper, as if from far away, but then Jensen's mouth licks a line up his spine and Jensen's cock is pressing against him right there.
"Slick," he mumbles, somehow managing to dip his own hand into the mess on his stomach and reach back.
Jensen's cock is like cool steel in his hand and he shudders when Jensen pushes into the loose fist of his hand, the head nudging against his opening with every move. He can't twist into that position for long and as soon as he's sure Jensen's cock is at least somewhat slick, he lets his hand drop back to the sheets, pulling it up to rest with the other above his head.
Jensen covers him like a blanket, pulling him up against his chest as he slowly presses forwards. It hurts, a lot, and Jared finds himself wriggling to get away at the same time as he just wants to push back. He doesn't even have the strength to hold his head up anymore, his sweaty bangs clinging to his forehead and distorting his vision.
With a final push Jensen is all the way inside, and he breathes harshly against Jared's ear, rocking his hips minutely. Jared keens low in his throat because amidst the fiery pain it feels so fucking good he doesn't know what to do with himself. The sweat is pouring off him running down his back and dripping from his chest.
When Jensen starts to thrust he just hangs limply in his arms, moaning helplessly as Jensen rubs him inside out, flaying him open and rubbing him raw. His cock pounds hard, curling rock hard against his stomach and he feels as if he might die if he doesn't get to come.
He has no idea for how long it goes on, for how many minutes he's at the very brink of absolute ecstasy, an endless stream of needy little sounds falling from his lips. Then suddenly Jensen growls and his teeth sink into Jared's neck and just like that he's coming. It feels as if the orgasm will never end, hitting him again with every pull of Jensen's mouth on his neck, every last grinding thrust until Jensen suddenly lets him go and he lands on the sheets with a thump.
He feels dizzy, weak, every shuddered breath harsh in his wrecked throat. Still he somehow manages to push himself over to his back, finding Jensen looking down on him, blood around his mouth and a look of absolute horror on his face.
"Jensen," he whispers weakly, his voice almost gone from screaming. "You're here."
The last thing he remembers before darkness overtakes him is a sense of fulfillment. He finally fixed Jensen, made him right again.
~*~
Jensen comes back from the past with a gasp, blinking rapidly to try and get out of Jared's headspace.
"How did you do that?" he asks, angry, curious and disturbed in an about even mix.
Jared blinks, shrugging slightly. "Honestly, I have no idea."
Jensen swallows, his body is thrumming with remember excitement, making him ache where he is still pressed up against Jared. Jared changed so much from that inexperienced naïve boy, but when he looks into those hazel eyes; he still sees the same kind of blind faith as he did back then. Jared has no right to put that on his shoulders, no right to still trust him after what he did.
"I hurt you," he growls, his face morphing without him meaning to. "I could have fucking killed you."
Jared just shakes his head and it makes Jensen so fucking angry. He can't be like that, can't trust the monster Jensen's become, because he used to have crush on the poor sod of a high school teacher Jensen used to be. That's not the way life works, people change and Jensen's a demon now.
"Fuck you," he snarls, pushing Jared away, making him stumble backwards and fall to the ground. "Fuck you," he repeats as he follows after, tearing at Jared's close and kissing him without a trace of gentleness. "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you."
He rips all the buttons on Jared's shirt to get it open, yanks his jeans down over his hips without caring about the red welts that appears on his hipbones. "Fuck you."
Jared's already hard, his cock curling towards his stomach, long, full and flushed and that makes Jensen hate him even more.
"Fuck you," he growls, raking his nails down Jared's chest, gripping his hips and flipping him over. "Fuck you."
He has enough presence of mind to at least use saliva as cursory lube before slamming into Jared from behind, making him scream in pain. "Fuck you."
He doesn't know for how long it goes on, for how many minutes he mindlessly grinds himself into Jared, before he pulls Jared up against him and buries his teeth in his neck. Jared's blood flows into his mouth like the sweetest nectar, tinted with pain and excitement and that just makes him pull harder, drink more.
Jared keens, grabbing on of Jensen's hand and forcing it to wrap around his slick rock hard cock. Just like that it's over, Jared convulses underneath him as he comes, spilling hot and wet over Jensen's hand as Jensen comes deep inside him, unable to hold back for a second longer.
With a gag he pulls away from Jared's neck, slides out of his abused body, hating the way his cock is still twitching semen dripping from the slit. He pulls his pants up, can't remember even pulling them down and pushes Jared over to his back.
"Jared," he whispers, touching a hand to the side of his face. "Jared?"
Jared blinks up at him, eyes dim and sluggish. "I love you," he says, with a weak smile.
Jensen swallows, his throat constricting almost painfully, then he backs away, stumbling to his feet, unable to even look at Jared.
"Don't go," Jared whispers faintly and Jensen takes off running.
He's a monster, a rapist, he doesn't deserve to live. He calls an ambulance for Jared from the first pay phone he passes, only stopping long enough to make sure they'll pick Jared up, then he's off and running again. He can still taste Jared's blood on his tongue and the second he realizes he falls to his knees, throwing up until he gags on his own vomit, coughing and sputtering. Where does he go from here?
Read Part Three of Seven plus Epilogue of Hollow Years by Jeyhawk
