The Patting of The Ass

Orlando Bloom is not in love with Viggo Mortensen, certainly not in any way. No, Orlando Bloom is straight as an arrow. In fact, he's even straighter than an arrow, some of the arrows he shoot as Legolas must be bent, going off in any direction. Conclusion, Orlando Bloom is straighter than an arrow, straighter than.... something very straight. Not bent...at all. Tits and asses that's his thing, not pecs and firm Viggorlean asses (that he would know nothing about since he never looks), but real tits and rounded female asses. Cunts are good too, but not cocks except for his own that is a very good thing.

So when Viggo Mortensen patted Orlando Bloom on the ass calling him a 'Good Elf', Bloom did no react in any way. He didn't in any way sport a hard on hard enough to cut glass and there was no Look on his face. If someone with the last name Wood tells you that Orlando Bloom got a dazed, goofy, Horny Look on his face when the ass-patting occurred, that person is lying. You cannot trust people with the last name Wood, the name by itself tells you what such a person uses for brain. And if it should happen that the Wood-Person gets backup from a Monaghan, and a Boyd, with a side-dish of Astin that only means that those persons are gullible and for dubious reasons (blackmail?) believes in the Wood-Person's lies. Let's run this through again.

Fact: The Ass-Patting did occur.
Fact: Orlando Bloom did not react, except for maybe a slight twitch and unkind thoughts of 'Human scum'.
Lie fabricated by the Wood-Person: Orlando Bloom sported a hard on that was clearly visible in his tight leggings.
Lie fabricated by the Wood-Person: Orlando Bloom got a dazed, goofy Horny Look on his face.
Comment by Mortensen (Ass-Patter): "Our Elf got a nice pair of firm round globes on him."
Comment by Bloom (Ass-Pattee): "Human Scum."
Comment by Wood-Person's sidekicks: "Orlando is in lurve, Orlando is in luuuurve."
Conclusion: Orlando Bloom is not in love with Viggo Mortensen.
Evidence: No visible reaction to the Ass-Patting.
Because: Orlando Bloom is straighter than a very straight thing...


The Groping of The Thigh

One day, a few days after the ass-patting incident, Viggo Mortensen (human scum with gropy hands) sat down next to Orlando Bloom (very straight) in Make Up and, believe it or not, slid a hand up the *inside* of Bloom's thigh. Bloom of course did not react in any particular way. There was no hard on and no unmanly squeal. Furthermore he did not flee from the scene of the crime with a wig covering his manly parts. All those things are lies thought up by Mortensen that is obviously in cahoots with Wood-Person. If there would occur witnesses claiming to have seen Bloom running from the trailer brandishing the wig, they are obviously paid off by either Mortensen (untrustable and gropy) or Wood-Person. This is a conspiracy, Mortensen and Wood-Person are jealous of Bloom's manliness and straightness, they want to soil his good reputation. The Thigh-Groping did occur; the other things did not. In fact Orlando Bloom slapped Viggo Mortensen hand, said: "This merchandise is only for the girlies" and then left the trailer in an orderly fashion. Not because he was affected by the grope but because he feared for his safety. One might never know where the gropy long fingered Mortensen put his hands next. He only brought the wig because it needed airing.

The Full-Bodied Hug

Viggo Mortensen, that we have already established is untrustworthy and gropy, did not give up after the groping. In fact his next attack occurred only one day after the groping incident. After work, in the cast's favourite pub, in front of several witnesses he pulled the unsuspecting Bloom into a full-bodied hug. Yes, there was pressing of groin against Bloom. Yes, there was one hand straying towards the once patted ass. Yes, there was, believe it you might not, rubbing *and* sniffing of the soft curls on top of our heroic victim's head. Bloom was mortified, he feared for his safety and reputation, but not for his straightness that was already proven beyond any possible doubt. (A late night Baywatch wanking session where his thought never once strayed to the groping of the thigh or the patting of the ass. Well, maybe once but only because of the hideous lies surrounding the events and not because thinking of it turned him on.) Anyway, the important thing is that Bloom was not turned on by the hugging, rubbing and sniffing. He did not wish to fondle the erection digging into his stomach and he certainly did not wriggle. That is all lies constructed by Mortensen. If a witness identifying himself as Sean Bean tells you Bloom melted against Mortensen and moaned, he is a lying perv. Sean Bean is not to be trusted, this is very important, and should he begin talking about strawberries in a fake Russian accent run for your life.

Orlando Bloom did not react to the hug because he is: a, straight and b, not in love with Viggo Mortensen.

The Dream

Mortensen is more powerful than you could have ever imagined; he sent Bloom a dream. In the dream Mortensen was sucking Bloom off and made him cum very hard. He took his sweet little time too, teasing the shaft with nicks and licks, rolling the tight sacs in his hand. He used the tip as a lipstick and sucked only on the head until Bloom was begging for release. Then he deep throated and Bloom woke up with soiled sheets. This all happened and Bloom felt very bad about the whole experience. Very, very bad it took four episodes of Baywatch to wash the dream from his mind, but not, of course, because tits and asses failed to turn him on anymore. There might be lying bastards out there (Ian McKellen perv-queen and voyeur) that tells you Bloom was not asleep was in fact jerking off on the couch and coming screaming Mortensen's first name. That is a lie, Bloom doesn't even remember Mortensen first name and as an upstanding young British gentleman he does not jerk off. Well, except for when he's watching Baywatch, or sometimes when he just woke up, or as a way to go to sleep, or occasionally in the shower. But at least he hardly ever does it more than twice a day.

The Kiss

Mortensen is not a good person. He ambushed Bloom on his way to Make Up after a busy day filming and kissed him, with tongue too, in front of God (Peter Jackson) and everybody (The Fellowship of Lying Bastards) . Bloom was shell-shocked and did therefore not pull away for several minutes other than to breathe. In fact he was so shocked that his hands encircled Mortensen's waist (only for support) and rubbed over both back and ass (desperate attempts to get away). His tongue got engaged in the kiss but only because he was trying to cry out for help. He did not appreciate the firm softness of Mortensen's lips and thought his slick agile tongue to be a foul intruder. Orlando Bloom is straight and kissing a man is for him a horrible experience. Delusional witnesses talking about reciprocation, rubbing and moaning should be ignored. Obviously Mortensen (Brain behind the project) got to them first and paid them big bucks to tell his version of the story. The Kiss was a foul thing and Bloom (not in love with Mortensen) would like to forget all about it.

The Blow Job

After the kiss Mortensen followed Bloom home. He then proceeded to push Bloom down on the couch, unbuttoned is jeans and gave him a blowjob. Bloom did not like that at all. He moaned, trashed and begged for more, but that does not mean he liked it. In fact he thought Mortensen's Hoover of a mouth to be disgusting especially when it only teased the head and licked the sensitive spot on the underside of his cock. When it was over (after approx. two minutes) Bloom went down on Mortensen. There is no really good explanation for this; it might be stress related. Bloom had never before done such a thing on a man but he set about the task with enthusiasm and Mortensen was very pleased with his efforts. Mortensen was in fact very loud about his appreciation and it is believed that they still talk about it in Sydney. Bloom contemplated buying earplugs. Not that he expected it to happen again, well actually he did. Especially after Mortensen pulled him onto his hard body and cuddled him on the couch. Bloom is after all very much in love with Mortensen and would very much like to stay in Mortensen's arms forever more. Furthermore he does remember Mortensen's first name, or at least think he does. Bloom calls Mortensen Beloved which is of course all wrong, we all know his real name is Handsome Hunk of A Man.

Epilogue

Bloom and Mortensen is going steady. Author is lost for words. Bloom says he was really in love with Handsome Hunk of A Man From the very beginning, that he was only in denial. Author feels cheated. Mortensen says that once he'd seduced his shy Kitten he turned out to be a Tiger in the sack. Author wants details. They both talk about getting married while exchanging sappy looks. Author walks out of the room because there really is such a thing as too much information.

The End