It's been a long year
Since you've been gone
I've been alone here
I've grown old
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

I keep a journal of memories
I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

All the years I've tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I'm waiting
Will I find you
Can I find you
We're falling down
I'm falling


In what was becoming habit now after her reunion with her friends many months ago, Sam parked her car… this time a rental… behind the arena and stared at the back door. Her Scotty had volunteered to come with her that day, but she had refused telling him that it was something that she had to do for herself. Sitting there she was having a moment of déjà vu. She had no idea what she was going to say. This time it wasn't relating to them that she was worried about, but their reactions to the news that she had to deliver. She didn't know what would kill her more… distain, indifference and maybe some small feeling of pleasure or the gut wrenching pain that comes with opportunity lost.

Hearing a tap on her window she turned her head to see this time Scotty looking at her grinning. Wiggling her fingers she turned off the car and got out getting a hug from the front man who had quickly be come one of her favorite people in the world. Pulling back slightly she watched Scotty looking at her as if he was trying to read her mind. "Don't do that," she said quietly ducking her head and Scott sighed closing his eyes. "Someone called me the other day. Said they had heard a rumor about Axl…" Scott's voice trailed off when Sam's head whipped up. "Tell me you didn't tell them!"

Scott looked at the horror and distress on her face and sighed knowing this was going to be a bad night. "I didn't say anything. I figured it was a bullshit rumor." Sam hung her head shaking it. "I wish." Scott stepped forward again rubbing a hand up and down her back. "I'm sorry Sammy. I know you and Axl are close." Sam nodded and wished she had let her Scotty come with her after all.

Sitting backstage after the show Sam watched amused as Duff reclined in Slash's arms and wondered how some things never changed. She looked at Matt to see him watching her grinning as if he knew what she was thinking. She tried to flash a weak smile, but it didn't work as she had a memory of Axl doing the same thing once. He always seemed to know what she was thinking. It was that odd connection they had. As her face fell Matt cocked his head having seen the strange reaction more than once that night. When they came off stage she was standing looking at Scott with a look of horror on her face and when she burst into tears he had seemed to understand taking her into his arms.

"So what is going on Sam?" Duff asked. "You've been on the verge of tears all night." Slash nodded and tried lightening the atmosphere. "Yeah I know my playing sucks but usually you don't burst into tears when I walk off stage." Sam smiled weakly then took a deep breath. The guys watched Scott rub her arms and whisper in her ear as if giving her strength and their eyes met in worry. "Sam what's wrong?"

Sam took a deep breath and decided to stop thinking about how to say it and just let the words come. "I love all you guys. I can't tell you how glad I am that you sent me those passes 'cause not having you all around was painful. It was like someone had torn out a piece from my heart and stomped on it. But sometimes I look at you guys onstage and my brain just screams how not right it is to watch you… especially Duff and Slash and not see Axl there swaying away between you. I mean I love Scotty to death and I am so glad you are all happy but…"

Sam sniffled looking at her hands before continuing. "I suppose in my heart of hearts I always hoped that y'all would work things out. Kinda like a kid hoping mom and dad would make up and get back together. But… a couple weeks ago I got some news that… pretty much makes that impossible." Duff snorted. "What he has another new version of the band?" Sam lifted her eye suddenly darkened with anger and Duff reflexively winced. "He's dying."

Of all the answers she could have given that was the one they didn't expect. Later she would damn herself for her insensitivity, but at that moment she was on the emotional roller coaster of her life and couldn't stop the words before they came out of her mouth. "Are you sure?" she heard Matt ask and turning her head saw the anguish on his face and sighed. Opening her mouth she tried to speak, but the sight of her friend that morning before she had left his home for the airport came to mind and once more she broke down.

As sobs wracked her body the guys watched Scott trying to comfort her and realized that she wasn't kidding and was absolutely sure. For each of the three it meant something different but none of them found it pleasant or felt indifference. None of them had wanted to admit it but they all had hoped someday the hatred could end, but none of them had thought it would happen this way. They had been the ones that were supposed to go in some blaze of drunken or drugged haze. Axl was… well Axl was just supposed to grow into that bitter old man sitting around saying, "I told you so". Never had anyone expected him to go first. "How?" Duff finally asked his eyes wide and his face pale.

Sam finally caught her breath and turned her tear stained face to him. "Cancer," she said wiping her face with her hands. "I wanna see him," Matt said immediately and Sam nodded then watched as Slash got up and left the room without speaking. "I… I can't… I mean I wanna talk to him but…" Sam turned her attention back to Duff briefly and nodded. "He's cool with that. We talked about it this morning before I left." Matt's eyes lit up with hope like a child who had not seen a parent in some great amount of time. "You saw him?" Sam nodded but couldn't stop her mind from wandering back to that morning.

She'd walked into his room carrying his breakfast tray. Chances were that he wouldn't eat much of it, but she tried every morning. Any sustenance at this point was better than the alternative. Carefully she set the tray across his lap as she watched him laying in the bed with his eyes closed. These days it was hard to tell if he was sleeping or just too weak to open his eyes, but either way it gave her an opportunity to study her friend. He'd never been what anyone would call big, and always seemed on the verge of skin and bones, however his once healthy body had now deteriorated into the sickly state of someone with a terminal illness.

Closing her eyes she tried to hold back the anguish that seemed to be ever present these days, and only hoped that he didn't know just how upset she was. Opening her eyes she saw him watching her with those eyes of his that always knew too much and knew without being told that he knew exactly how upset she was. "I've made you sad," he said softly and Sam sighed unsure how to respond. Instead of speaking she just shrugged and flashed a weak smile. "Ain't the first time baby, but the good always outweighs the bad so it don't matter." Axl shook his head watching her. "I don't know how you can be so loyal to me. I am just this side of Satan and yet you stand by me through everything."

Sam smiled softly and lifting a hand brushed some hair out of his face. "That's what friends do baby. They stand by you no matter what. They know all your strengths and accept your weaknesses. They celebrate with you during the good moments and tolerate you during your bad ones. They love you no matter what you do." Axl nodded weakly and let her help him sit up picking up a sweet treat off the tray. "This man you brought with you… Does he make you happy?"

Sam smiled a genuinely happy smile which was becoming more and more rare as she thought of the love of her live. "He's everything that I ever dreamed of Axl. And if it wasn't for you guys I never would have been able to understand him." Axl nodded and studied the treat in his hand. "I'm glad then… I'm glad we all went through all that. If you found this man and… can accept him and love him despite his problems and weaknesses… and if we somehow helped you with that… then it was worth it." Sam watched as Axl put the treat back on the tray and closed his eyes. "I'll eat later… I'm tired."

Sam blinked hearing Matt call her name and forced herself back to the present. Looking at her friend she nodded as she stood. "I saw him. I'll take you to him on your next day off I promise, but right now I need to find Saul." Hurrying out of the room Sam went in search of her troubled friend.

Unsurprised Sam found him sitting in a chair in the middle of the empty arena guitar in hand. What was unusual though was the fact that he was staring at the piece of wood and strings as if he didn't know what to do with it. Walking over she placed a hand on his shoulder, but he didn't move just kept staring at it. "I love him," Slash said softly and Sam nodded. She had always known despite the strange sleeping arrangement they had back then where Axl and Slash's hearts lied. "He loves you too, Saul," she said softly. When Slash's head dropped and his shoulders began to shake, she gently took the valuable guitar from his hands placing it on the concrete floor of the arena then went back to him pulling him into her arms. "I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him," Slash sobbed over and over and Sam had to bit her lip to keep her own cries from being heard.

"I need to be there," Slash whispered softly and Sam nodded knowing what was coming and was slightly afraid of the reaction it would get from the others. "I need to be with him. If we only have a little time left… I have to be there. When he's gone… I can tour any time, but Axl… once he's gone…" Sam nodded understanding then hearing a noise looked up to see Scott watching her as Duff comforted Matt. At first she was afraid, but she saw understanding in his eyes and knew it would be ok. The tour and their lives would be put on hold, but unlike in the past, this time maybe despite the tragedy forcing it, this would be a healing experience. Maybe they would have time to make things right after all before Axl died and everything tried to fall to pieces.

The End, but only for now.