Jeff stepped out onto the back porch of his home carrying his acoustic guitar and sat down on the wooden rail letting his legs hang over the edge. Looking up at the night sky he took a moment and looked at the moon and stars peeking out between the clouds. If he was a romantic soul he would think it a lovely night. But, as the clouds passed over the moon he hung his head and looked down at the instrument in his hands remembering that he wasn't romantic at all and the man inside would agree one hundred percent.

Their relationship seemed to be crumbling and for the life of him he didn't know why. Maybe the man he loved so passionately didn't love him any longer. Maybe all the time spent together now that he was not working was too much. Maybe their relationship hadn't ever been what he thought… maybe they were just a comfortable fuck. Maybe he had changed too much now that he wasn't killing his body every night jumping off anything he could find and pumping his veins full of painkillers of all kinds and forms. Maybe…

As if by their own will, his fingers seemed to move strumming what were by now familiar chords. He had a song stuck in his head and it had been there for days. Ironically or maybe not it seemed to perfectly state his feelings. The love he held for that man… and the helplessness he seemed to be living with that the one good thing he had was slipping through his fingers like sand… and there wasn't a thing that he could do about it.

Closing his eyes he let the words slip through his lips like silk echoing every painful feeling in his heart.

Every night I'm lyin' in bed
Holdin' you close in my dreams

How true that was. There was a time where they would fuck like bunnies every night and probably for most of the day before that then fall asleep with their bodies wound around each other. Their bodies would be exhausted but still they would talk about everything and yet nothing all at once until they fell asleep usually mid-sentence.

Now though they were lucky if they slept in the same room let alone in the same bed nestled together. More often than not his love would make his way to the spare room or fall asleep lying on the couch leaving him to lie awake in his big waterbed all alone staring at the wall.

Thinkin' about all the things that we said
And comin' apart at the seams

There he would lie. Thinking about all the angry words said that day wishing he could hop into some magical time machine and zap back and unsay them. He never meant them… not completely anyway and he always swore when he began his day that he wouldn't say them. But then something would happen and there they would be hurdling insults like gunfire only causing more fatal wounds.

Bullets just killed the body, but angry words killed the soul… something few survived even if their bodies lived on. That was what was happening to him. His body looked better than it had in years, but his soul… it was dying. Little by little, day by day, angry word by angry word his heart was breaking and his soul was dying.

We try to talk it over
But the words come out to rough

Words… words are evil things. Too easily left open to misinterpretation. Too harshly and unwisely used against someone you love. Too many times they had sat down with the best of intentions in working things out and yet it never worked. One of them would misinterpret something the other said and the war would start again until they just gave up leaving them worse off than when they started.

I know you were tryin'
to give me the best of your love

That was the kicker ya know. He knew that his heart returned his love even to this day. He didn't miss the looks of longing or the painful sighs. It wasn't a one sided effort. That was probably what made it all that much more painful. Maybe if only one of them were still in love then this thing they shared would be easier to kill.

Love was more addictive than any drug and this was one addiction he didn't want to kick.

Beautiful faces and loud, empty places
Look at the way that we live

Too much time spent in clubs and shopping malls with people that didn't care about the people they were… only the fame they represented. Always pawing at them and demanding they play a role neither wanted to play. Forcing them to fawn over the girls they had no interest in and ignore the most important person in their life.

If only the world were a different place. Jeff longed for the day that he could shout to the world like a man in a commercial he saw. Standing in a huge gathering place with people and birds in the middle of some beautiful city, he'd shout his heart for the entire world to hear. "I LOVE THIS MAN!" But the world isn't a different place and honestly he didn't believe that it ever would be. Acceptance of the most basic things that made up Jeff Hardy would never come.

Wastin' our time on cheap talk and wine
Left us so little to give

He knew that most of this was his fault. All those nights spent talking softly and never once had he said the most important things. I love you. I need you. You are important to me. I can't live without you. He tried to show it in a million different ways and knew that in his heart his love knew how he felt, but he also knew that there were things that you just needed to hear with your own two ears before you could believe.

I love you. I need you. You are important to me. I can't live without you. Those were just among a few.

That same old crowd
Was like a cold dark cloud
That we could never rise above

Too much time was spent arguing over people that for the most part could give a shit about them. Shanny & Matty … People they couldn't let go of even though they should. Jeff couldn't help it. Matt was his brother and Shanny his best friend. Or at least they were supposed to be, but the reality of it was neither really gave a shit about him… not the real him. All Jeff Hardy was to them was a good excuse to blame all their problems on.

It would be funny if it were someone else, but even now when he was gone they still blamed him for all their "misfortunes". But it didn't matter. As much as he raged about them he loved them. Always had and always would… and that was the thing that made it so hard to take the truths shouted by his lover even if the heart beating in his chest agreed with them.

But here in my heart I give you the best of my love
Oh sweet darlin' you get the best of my love, oh
Sweet darlin', you get the best of my love

In his heart… that was where he clung to things the most… his brother, his best friend, his lover. That was where all the secrets lived. Where the knowledge that should he ever lose the man inside his home he would on that day cease to be. What good was being himself if there wasn't someone there that understood what "himself" was… someone other than him that is.

He didn't have to fake tears when they argued and flung around those painful words, because every one hurt him. There was no other person in the world that he cared what they thought of him… just his Joe. Just his Joe Bear, but then there was never any other person that had tried so damn hard to figure out that Jeff Hardy really wasn't all that extreme and unique. He was just himself.

I'm goin' back in time
And it's a sweet dream

He remembered that first time when he found the guts to admit he loved Joe. Back then he was Chrissy's and Jeff was Matt's. As always Chrissy was throwing some fantastic fit like he was prone to gathering all the sympathy for himself and leaving Joe out in the cold. So there they stood. Matt, Shannon and Chrissy all huddled together glaring holes in Joe's skull as Jeff and Shane stood watching.

He'd tried to stay out of it. He knew what would happen when Matt got him home, but he hadn't been able to stand it any longer. It was about 30 minutes into Shannon's tirade about what an evil child Joe was when it happened. With eyes blazing like hazel bursts of molten lava and nostrils flaring with flames of their own Jeff stomped forward and grabbed Shannon's arm flinging him around.

That in itself had been enough to gain him punishment from his older brother, but the outpouring of curses and spite that came from his mouth aimed at the group's little baby boy was beyond bad and nearing something akin to treason. But damned if he could stand there any longer and listen. He'd trained Joe. He'd believed in Joe and, as he stood there tearing Shannon into little bite sized pieces with his venomous tongue as he was prone to when that particular personality came out to play, he realized that he loved Joe.

It was a quiet night
And I would be all right
If I could go on sleepin'

Shane was the only thing that saved him. Trying not to laugh any more, as he already had tears flowing down his cheeks, he sternly declared that Jeff was not to be punished or anything else for he only spoke the truth. Matt stood up for his pups all the time and Jeff was only standing up for his one and only. Then just to be safe he loaded Joey and Jeff into his car and took them to his apartment to stay for the night.

That night wasn't the first time they had talked into the wee hours of the morning. And it certainly wasn't the first time they had fucked, however that night things held a different ambiance. Their tones were softer. Their touches were gentler and there was a mood hovering over them that neither was ready to admit existed.

Neither of them woke up in the morning and professed to some life altering experience and in fact neither of them changed anything about their lives. Each went home to their mates and suffered through their punishments. But truth be told things had changed. It hadn't taken long for Jeff to start questioning why he allowed his brother to treat him as he did. And by the time that Joe declared that he was tired of Chrissy's bitchiness Jeff had untangled himself from his brother as best as he was able.

But every mornin'
I wake up and worry
What's gonna happen today

God how true that was. His stomach had eaten itself so much that he was surprised that he even had one left. The ulcer he already had was kicked into overdrive and the nights, which had never been long hours full of the sandman's sweet dreams and sugar plums, became even shorter and more restless. The mornings where never his favorite thing in the world, but now he dreaded them never knowing what would happen that day to drive his love further from his arms.

You see it your way
And I see it mine
But we both see it slippin' away

He knew that the tears were flowing down his cheeks, but had no urge to hide them any longer. The truth was that he was losing the only man he ever imagined being with 'til the day he died and he couldn't figure out any way to stop it.

He hadn't known that Joe was watching him, so when the arm wrapped themselves around his neck and the cheek leaned itself against his, he jumped slightly dropping a couple chords. He was relieved to feel the cheek touching his was as wet as his own. It meant that he wasn't gone yet… If only…

You know we always had each other baby
I guess that wasn't enough
Oh, but here in my heart
I give you the best of my love

He wished he could touch him. He wished that he could just wrap his arms around him and kiss him with all the love and pain resting in his heart and soul. He wished that he could run his hands over Joe's body touching ever spot tenderly as he whispered the pretty words that came so easily to his poetic mind.

Oh, sweet darlin'
You get the best of my love
Oh, sweet darlin'
You get the best of my love
Every night and day,
You get the best of my love

But as the tears kept flowing until words were impossible all he could do was shake in Joe's arms as they bawled together, the guitar forgotten as the song's words seemed to signal some impending doom. "Please Joe please," He begged, "please."

Straightening Joe turned and walked to the other side of the porch staring at one of Jeff's creations in the yard. "Oh Jeff," Joe sighed shaking his head. "What's the use? I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of hurting you."

Shaking his head Jeff stood and stomped his foot flinging the guitar from his neck before rushing to grab Joe's arms and fling him around. "YOU WILL NOT LEAVE ME JOSEPH MATTHEWS! YOU WILL NOT!"

Flinging Jeff's hands off his arms Joe scowled angrily unfazed by Jeff's tantrum. "I am only trying to do what is best Jeffrey Nero. I am only trying to stop this before we can't even be friends."

"NO! Do you hear me? NO! NO NO NO NO NO!" Jeff screamed stomping his foot with each word. "YOU WILL NOT LEAVE ME! I NEED YOU! I LOVE YOU AND YOU WILL NOT LEAVE ME!" Joe's jaw dropped and his eyes grew as Jeff calmed slowly crossing his arms sniffling. "Say it again," Joe whispered and Jeff hung his head pushing out his bottom lip like a child. "I love you. You can't leave me cause you're the only person who I can really trust. You're the only person that will put up with the parts of me that they don't love. You're the only one that I can sleep with. Please don't leave me." Jeff raised his head slowly and looked at Joe biting his lip at the hesitation he saw there.

"I don't know Jeff. I don't know if it's possible to fix all this. I won't leave tonight, but I can't promise tomorrow." Joe watched Jeff's eyes waiting for him to make up his mind. "Will you stay with me tonight in our room? Will you let me touch you and love you?" Jeff asked shakily and now it was Joe's turn to pause before he nodded almost reluctantly.

Oh, sweet darlin' you get the best of my love
Oh, sweet darlin' you get the best of my love…

THE END!