Lying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heartbeat with mine
Softly you whisper, you're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are, by my side

So now I come to you with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms

Living without you, living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you
Wanting you near
How much I wanted you home

But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay

So now I come to you with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms



My One and Only Love,

Maybe if I sit here and don't speak, don't think, don't feel I can pretend that I'm not crumbling. Maybe if I bury myself so deep into denial that I can't see the top of the hole then I can pretend that I haven't lost everything. Maybe if I close myself off from myself then I can pretend that I'm not dying without you.

My whole life I've pretended that I was the one saving you. I pretended that I was saving you from bullies and failing tests and stupid girls that couldn't see that you were the cutest guy in the school under those chubby baby cheeks. Saving you from mean brothers and lost dreams and… and… and me. The one thing I could never save you from was me. That was the one thing you needed saving from more than anything.

You needed saved from my selfishness and my self centeredness. You needed saving from my pain addiction and my roller coaster mood swings. You needed saving from my nastiness and my razor sharp tongue. All you ever really needed saving from was me.

And eventually save you someone did. But did it have to be the only other person to ever make me feel safe? Whole?? Loved?? Did it have to be Matty? I told myself that it was for the best. That if anyone could take care of you it was Matty. I smiled and tried to look happy when the guys would ask how I was taking it or how the two of you were doing all the way over there on Smackdown. Never mind I was playing the happy whore fucking anything that walked. Never mind that I cried every time I heard your voice and would lock myself in my house on my off days watching Smackdown on my VCR over and over wondering why I was so empty inside.

For as long as I can remember your sweet face has been there smiling me through more crisis' than I can count. Sugar, Matty, Chrissy have all helped, but when all hope was gone YOU have always been my ray of light bouncing all the bad things away. And like the foolish prick I am I took it for granted assuming that it would always be that way.

Never in my life has anyone touched me the way you do. A single hand to the shoulder sends shivers down to the tips of my very toes. The first thing I had resembling a sexual encounter was yours too… kissing behind the elementary school. I was 10 and you were 6. I got my ass beat raw for manipulating you into such filthy acts, but the very next day your sweet smiling face asked for another.

GOD I LOVE YOU!

Everything I know I learned for you and some things I learned with you. Some things I learned from you. Some things I learned despite of you or in spite of you or TO spite you… which is why I ended up here. One too many argument, one too many screamed insult, one too many temper tantrum, one too many typical Jeffy move and out you walked swearing you'd never come back… only this time you really didn't.

So here I lay, on the floor of the crappy hotel room that is the only thing that I can afford now. There is a bed, but somehow it seems too comfortable for what I deserve… for what I can stand. My fingers dig into the dirty stained carpet getting the filth under my fingernails, but I don't even notice. It has been so long since I was near you that I can't even remember what you smell like any more and that thought is scarier than anything found in this dump.

Recently I heard Sable say that the old adage of you never really know what you have until it's gone is true. I never thought that I would agree with her… but she's right. My career… nothing compared to losing you. Matt, Shane, Chrissy they are gone too and that hurts me, but your loss… not having you in my arms… knowing that you won't ever bounce for me again… it hurts. Suddenly I am tired of pain.

Me. Jeff Hardy the King of Pain is tired of it. I don't wanna smell it, hear it, feel it any longer. I don't want it in my life, my vicinity, I want rid of the whole idea of it. I used to have nightmares about being normal, but now it seems like a safe haven compared to this. How could I think that it was cool. That the pain made me better because I loved it as I thought that it loved me.

If I were braver I would end it all right here. Walk away from all of this, but the thought of death scares me. Even now when I have nothing left. I tried you know a coupla days ago… or is it weeks by now? Time seems to be moving differently now than before. The days and nights all seem the same. Running together until weeks become months I haven't a clue where I am at on the calendar. But I tried… tried to admit I was wrong.

This realization that I fucked up is not new, but since I have no concept of time I don't know how long ago it came. I only remember that I tried. I went to your house… the one you share with him. I walked up the drive and stood under the big oak in his front yard and watched the two of you clowning around in the living room with Chrissy and Shane. You all looked so… happy. Happier than you had been in a long time. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't me!

I tried to pretend that I wasn't the single common denominator of change in your lives, but it didn't work… not even for me the master if denial. As I stood there in that yard and watched you I understood what you meant to me… too late as usual. I have done nothing for you in my lifetime that is good, but I will do it now. So I didn't knock on that door and beg you all to forgive me. I didn't ruin all your well earned relief from the psychoticness that is my life by walking back into it. Instead I did probably the only selfless thing I've ever done and I walked away. I left the yard, left the area, hell I left the state.

It must have been a shock when you drove by my land and saw the for sale sign. Hopefully a good shock because the last thing that I want for you is more sadness. So now I roam on my self imposed banishment from my home. I've never been able to feel comfortable, feel safe anywhere other than home, but for you I will do it.

I saw someone yesterday, or a week ago, or a month ago. He knew immediately that I had been broken and he laughed. He said that he never thought that he would see the say when the Great Jeff Hardy was brought to his knees. He asked me who did it 'cause he wanted to shake their hand. But I wouldn't tell him because the last thing I want for you is to have Raven entering any of your lives again.

So here I am the lonely wanderer. Spending my days trying to get past everything I'll never have again and my night dreaming I can. But I know that's all it will ever really be… just a dream. Unlike this song playing on my stereo over and over there won't be any open arms for me. Not ever.

Goodbye my Love,

The Lonely Wanderer

Read the Sequel The Lonely Sidekick