Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

He lay on the floor of his hotel bathroom. The tile felt cool under his cheek. Between his fingers was a razor blade he'd saved from his match that night. Quietly lay there with his head rested on his shoulder, one arm out straight over his head and the other in front of him. Staring he watched the blood pooling over the tile slipping from his wrist. Soon it would be over and done. Soon he wouldn't be able to hurt him anymore. Soon all the pain would be gone forever and he wouldn't be able to let anyone down any more.

Jay sat up quickly gasping for breath as he grabbed one wrist. The t-shirt he was wearing was stuck to his body from the sweat covering him. "Baby you ok? Did you have another nightmare?" Jay looked over his shoulder feeling a hand rubbing his back and let his lover pull him back down. Rolling onto his side he rested his head on Randy's shoulder letting his arm curl around his waist as Randy rubbed his back. "It's over baby. You're past that. You're stronger now and you're surrounded by people who love and adore you." Jay nodded and closes his eyes trying to push the past away, but it insisted on haunting him.

He sat in the corner with his head down quietly listening to the conversation going on, but didn't take part. He couldn't do anything else because then it would appear like he was ignoring them. He couldn't take part in the conversation because they weren't his friends and he hadn't been invited to partake in their fun. He couldn't leave because he didn't believe that he had any friends left or anywhere to go. "He's so fucking pathetic," he heard Adam laughing and closed his eyes letting the words flow through him like broken glass opening wounds that never really healed. He wished they would just go away.

Standing he walked towards the bathroom. "Where the fuck are you going?" He heard Adam ask and paused. "Bathroom," Jay responded quietly waiting for a response before he continued. Stepping inside he turned on the light and the fan so that he could drown out the voices in the other room. Because of this he didn't hear the reaction to Adam's statement.

"You're such a prick Adam," Randy said scowling and Adam frowned at him. "What's with the fuckin attitude?" Randy stood glaring down at the blonde. "You treat him like crap and you certainly don't deserve him. One of these days you're gonna get your just dues." Adam would have responded but Dave's growl of warning stopped him. In the bathroom Jay took the razor he'd been hiding out of his boot and sat down leaning against the tub contemplating the best way to put it to use.

Jay sat in the catering area trying to ignore Adam and Paul laughing and holding hands. He tried to pretend that he couldn't hear them saying his name. "Hey don't pay attention to those assholes," Dave growled sitting down across from him as Chris and Randy followed with Randy putting a plate in front of Jay. "He's right baby. They're just trying to get to you." Jay looked at Randy then across the table at Dave and Chris... his friends, his traveling companions, his saviors.

Randy looked from his watch to the bathroom door then to Dave worried. "What is your problem?" Adam growled and Randy glared at him. "My problem is Jay is still in the restroom and hasn't come out yet. Unlike you I give a shit that he was upset when he went in." Getting up Randy went to the bathroom door knocking. "Jay? You ok in there?" When he didn't get a response he tried the handle finding it locked and started getting worried and pounded on the door. "JAY! Answer me! ANSWER OR I AM BREAKIN DOWN THE FUCKIN DOOR!"

Paul scowled running a hand up Adam's leg. "Jesus Randy chill out. Adam's right Jay is a fuckin pussy. He's probably having some quiet time with his five fingered girlfriend. Randy clenched his teeth then without thinking twice kicked in the door. Immediately he spotted Jay on the floor and the pool of blood. "OH JESUS! DAVE! OH GOD CHRIS CALL 911~! DAVE I NEED YOU!"

Jay looked at the scar on his wrist as he leaned against the wall standing in the hallway waiting for the guys to come out of the shower. They were going to get something to eat then head back to the hotel to watch one of the DVD's Chris brought for the weekend. "Hey," he heard and looking up saw Chris standing there. "Whatcha thinkin' about?" Jay studied Chris. Of his small group of friends he had known him the longest. "Just… stuff." Chris nodded watching him. "You love him don't you?"

Jay looked up confused. "Who?" Chris sighed. "Randy, Jay…. You love him right?" Jay nodded quickly. Randy had been by his side for the last year as he'd recovered from his suicide attempt both physically and mentally. He was always there when he needed him lending a shoulder to cry on, support when he felt like he would never see the light again, strong arms to hold him when he felt like he was going to fall apart, and then the light at the end of the tunnel reminding him of the good things left in the world.

"I love him more than anything in the world." Chris nodded and turning his head spotted Adam and Hunter coming out of the Evolution locker room. "Then if you love Randy why let Adam continue to be such an influence over you? At some point baby you just gotta say I don't give a fuck and move on. Adam is nothing. I know what it's like remember? When I first came here and Dwayne was fucking with my head YOU were the one that got me free when I couldn't see a way out. You owe it to Randy and yourself to put Adam out of your life once and for all."

"Look Hunt it's the two biggest losers in the world," Adam sneered throwing his bag over his shoulder as grinned. Chris growled softly stepping forward as Dave appeared from nowhere at his side. Feeling a hand on his shoulder he knew Randy had joined them. Quietly he studied Adam waiting for the pain to come, but realized that it wasn't there and hadn't been for a long time. He'd just been tormenting himself with memories that needed to be thrown away.

"You know Adam. I can think of about a million responses to that to put you and Pauly Wanna Crackhead down, I could unleash Dave and let him kick your asses cause God knows he wants to, or I could let Randy and Chris defend me… but Chris was just pointing out something to me and well… I hafta tell you I think he's right. You just ain't worth the bother." Taking Randy's hand he tapped Chris and Dave on the shoulders to get their attention then turning walked away knowing his friends were with him and leaving Adam behind to stare dumbly after him.

The End