I love you. I hate you. I'm not sure that I can survive without you.

I miss you. Without you I feel a sense of freedom I've never felt before. I feel lost in a vast sea of strangers who don't care about me.

I don't know anything anymore except that you aren't here. As I sleep at night my dreams are filled with dark scenes of despair and loneliness. I wake up with tears soaking my pillow crying out your name. In that moment I feel a loss of something that I didn't believe possible because I didn't even want it when I had it.

My morning shower seems to serve almost as a cleansing of my pain. By the time I am drying myself off I can remember nothing but how entirely much I loathe you. I move through my day growing more and more agitated at every little reminder of you. The sound of your name on someone else's lips, the smell of your cologne of another man's body, the sight of anyone who looks even remotely like you sends me into a rage that borders on insane. My conversations are filled with ragings of you until the others seem to no longer have time to hear them anymore. I miss their whispers behind my back and ignore the roll of their eyes as I pass them by. I pretend that I don't know they are thinking that I doth protest too much.

It doesn't matter what they think. None of them understands. None of them really knows you. None of them have any concept of the pain that you put me through.

When I get back to my home or hotel, I close them all out and it is as if the loss of their eyes on me robs me of some strength and I can't help but collapse to the floor. There I lay curled up in a ball of tears and despair. I cry out for your return to me begging any person or being that I think might hear me for a relief from the pain.

I fill your voice mail and email and snail mail with a dizzying array of threats and pleas cursing your very existence and then begging for your return to me. The piece of paper from the judge says that I must cease all communications and stay away. It only serves to add to my confusion and brings me into this very moment.

I look down at your porcelain features ignoring the blood seeping around your body and I think that you have never looked so beautiful as you do in this moment. It occurs to me that my actions have both brought upon my relief and my doom at the same time shattering what is left of my mind.

I know what it is I must do. In that moment my confusion clears and I realize just what it is I want. Leaning down I press my lips to yours. "I love you Jeffy. I hope that I see you on the other side." Straightening I put the gun to my chest and pull the trigger.

I never felt your fingers moving in my hair.

So this is the price I pay for my sins. Here I lay in the cold ground alone with my soul doomed. I have no hope of ever seeing you in the afterlife. I am forced to spend my time roaming the earth restless.

I watch you standing over my grave. I feel your pain. I see your tears. I hear your thoughts and your words. If only I knew them while I was alive.

As you leave I follow. Even in death I can't leave you alone. I wonder if you will ever realize I am the new presence you feel around you. I wonder if you will ever find some answer to your questions. I wonder if you will ever find your peace or if you will use that gun you bought. I wonder if you know why you got that new tattoo of the raven on your back.

I wonder if you will ever believe I loved you.

I wonder if I doomed you to live with my confusion.

I wonder…

The End