What do you do when you miss someone so much you can't breathe? What do you do when you can't get out of bed in the morning because your heart hurts from them not being there with you? What do you do when the one person that you want is so far away that you'll never find them again? What do you do when you're all alone?

I never imagined that he would be gone, but now he's been gone so long that I can't remember what it was like to have him here. But yet the pain is still so great that it cripples me. I have no friends. I have no companions. I have no confidants. All I had was him and now I don't even have that.

It's like I am living my life inside of a bubble. I watch the world go by but they can't see me. I can't feel their joy or happiness. I can't hear their laughter or screams. All that I know is what is inside my little bubble, and all that is here is me.

I crave human contact like a starving man does a steak. I'm dying for some feeling other than pain. I don't know how much longer I can exist here on my own and yet when I try and change my circumstance all that comes out is stutters and stammers until their looks of pity chase me away.

When they threw him out I thought it was like they had banished him from paradise, but now without him paradise has slowly grown to become hell. I had always wanted to read that book Paradise Lost, but I no longer need to because I'm living it. Now looking back I realize that paradise wasn't this place, but him. He was paradise and without him I am nothing more than lost.

I try to remember that we weren't together when he left. I try to remember why that is, but all that flows through the veins in my brain is ice cold numbing pain. So the memories have gone leaving me no explanation for why I am still here.

What is going to happen to me?

Where will I end up?

Will I ever be saved from this wretched hell or will I just be left here to flounder and die like a fish out of water?

I'm not ready to die. I'm not ready to finish my life here alone with nothing more than my thoughts of pain. But what other alternative is there? What other option do I have? What is my answer?

I've tried not to remember his parting words before his banishment. I've tried not to remember the peace he had found within himself and for himself. I've tried not to remember any of it, but it won't let me. Over and over and over again it rings in my heart haunting me like some tormented spirit that doesn't know it is free and hovers around the living. "Free yourself. Move on. Let go."

But how do I do that?

Move on?? What does that mean? Move on from this place? Move on from this pain? Move on from… him?

I can feel my hands clenched in my hair as if they can pull the madness from my mind, but we all know that it isn't possible. I am my madness and my madness is me. Without each other we would be nothing.

But if I did it… if I moved on… where would I go? Who would I go to? Who would I need then? We already know I have no friends, no one to turn to, so what now? Move on?

I can hear him in my mind speaking softly and soothingly. He's always been able to calm me. "Who catches your eye? Who catches your heart? Who would love you?"

Love… me? No one would do that… no one but him. I risked so much just letting myself believe in him that I don't know if I have the strength and the will to do it again. And yet again there he is. Calming me… making things alright again. "Relax, breath, calm down. You have nothing to panic about. What do you want if you can't have me? What would you look for?"

I try… I try and think of something I want that isn't him… some characteristic that he doesn't have… some feeling in me that he doesn't give me. But I can't think of any. Not a single thing.

So what do I do? What happens if I don't wanna move on? What happens if I don't want someone else? "I never told you to find someone else, Stevie. I told you to move on." I hear him say in that soft tone he has when he's being Scott. "Move on, Stevie. Move on. Only you can free you. I can't survive there. You have to let go."

And so I am. I wrestled my last match. I said my goodbyes and was surprised when there were actually people that cared. Bubba and D'Von and Spike, Tommy and Rob and Rhyno all wished me well. It was as if they knew. It was as if… as if I was moving on.

And so here I stand. Outside a hotel room door in Nashville Tennessee wondering… and before I can even knock it opens and there he is, my savior, my sanity, my Scott. His lips curve into a big smile and before I know it his arms are around me and I feel… I feel… finally I feel something that isn't pain. "I thought you'd never move on Stevie."

And closing my eyes, I relax for the first time in… forever as I realize…

Neither did I.