Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, Sam listened to his brother's steady breathing as he slept easily in the next bed. Sam loved his brother. If being separated from him during the learning experience that was college taught Sam anything, it was that he just was not meant to exist without Dean. Everything just seemed easier to deal with now that he was back with Dean.

Their physical relationship was progressing slowly, but Sam wasn't all that worried about it. He was worried more about the relationship with his brother Dean than his lover Dean. His biggest regret at that moment was it had taken being away from him to realize just what his brother really had done for him in his life.

He really had been selfish. He'd taken for granted the things Dean had done for him and sacrificed for him until he'd had to do for himself and sacrifice without. While John was an issue, Sam still wasn't sure he had worked through finding where he was right and where he was wrong, Dean to Sam seemed pretty black and white. Dean did without and Sam reaped the benefits. While it was true when Sam was in the 7th grade Dean had for a while been very attuned to Dean's needs and Dean's needs only, after the incident that summer after 7th grade that had changed.

When Sam had finally gotten out of the hospital, Dean had gone back to being more like the brother Sam would have remembered had he not turned into such an angry brat. It wasn't until his brother wasn't there anymore, 24 hours a day, seven days a week that Sam got how much he depended on him. The guilt that Sam felt for it still ate at him, mostly because he saw no way to make up for the loneliness and heartache he knew he had to have caused his brother.

He saw shadows now in his brother's eyes that he didn't remember seeing before and he couldn't help but wonder how long they'd been there. How long had his brother suffered and Sam had been too wrapped up in himself to notice? How much of the anger he'd felt toward his brother was really Dean and how much of it was Sam's juvenile perception of Dean? How much of those shadows were the result of Sam's seemingly never-ending war with their father? Sam felt like his eyes had just opened after a hundred years' sleep only to find himself separated from his brother by the damned Grand Canyon.

"Sam, what the crap are you doing awake at this hour of the morning?" Dean croaked not having moved an inch but grumpily awake nonetheless.

"I miss you," Sam said quietly, not moving either except for the wince of guilt over having woken his brother with his lamenting. He should have known his thoughts while quiet and kept in his own head would set off Dean's big brother radar and awaken him no matter how deep his sleep.

Hearing a grunt from the other bed, Sam turned his head to see Dean studying him with a frown. "What in the name of Sam hell are you talkin about? I'm right here. We've been together for two solid weeks now. We spent fuckin 18 hours together in the Impala yesterday. How could you possibly miss me?"

Sam couldn't help but smile faintly before rolling onto his side, mirroring Dean's own posture so that he could better see him. "I didn't mean like that. I meant… you know." Struggling for the words to explain, Sam sighed, waving a hand in the air as Dean lifted an eyebrow waiting.

"I guess I miss how we were when we were kids. You know like… before I hit puberty and you hit on MaryAnne. I miss not being smart enough to realize how ungrateful to you I was, if only because back then I still had a chance to make up for it. Now I feel like I've created this rift that I have no idea how to make go away."

"I miss feeling like I know everything about my big brother, instead of this feeling like there's this person who shares my genes and yet is a complete stranger. I miss that knowledge that nothing can come between SamandDean as opposed to the reality I have now, that I am the one that came between us."

"I know you hate doing this talking about feelings thing, but I hate looking at you, knowing you aren't happy and I was responsible for that. I hate that I fucked up and you paid for it because I was self absorbed. I hate that I had to leave to remember that I really do have the best big brother in the world."

"So I am sorry and I miss you and damn it, I wanna fix this, but I don't know how."

Dean watched Sam trying to swallow the lump in his throat so he could speak. For the last two weeks since their talk, Dean had been beating himself up for causing this mess. Having Sam echo his guilt, taking the blame onto himself meant more than anything else. It made him feel like he really was getting his little brother back.

"You know Sammy, at the risk of growing tits from all this feelings sharing crap, hearing you say that… well, it really means a lot. And I miss you too, ya know? I miss the little kid that looked at me like I was his hero. You've been my world since I was 4. I know I'm not always the perfect big brother and I know that sometimes I act like a jackass, but I need you, Sam."

"I need you to need me. I know you're an adult and you can make your own decisions, but damn it, you're all I have. If I ain't your big brother what the hell am I? If I can't protect you and worry about you what the hell do I have? I never…"

"I never wanted to squash your dreams Sam, but I just couldn't see how you could leave and still need me. I mean shit, you're the smart one here."

Sam snorted. "I'm not the only smart Winchester, Dean. You got your own brains. I just wish I'd pulled out of my own world long enough to realize it before. If I had, I never would have made that stupid comment about you being dumb. I can do a lot of magic with research, and I can read languages that haven't been used in thousands of years, but I can't make an EMF reader out of a walkman, I didn't think of rock salt pellets for the shotguns, and I have no clue what the hell that new thing is you've been doodling, but I have no doubt it'll be something we need and work perfectly.

"And for the record, Dean? You're still my hero and you always will be." Yawning Sam could feel his eyes drooping as Dean smiled shyly from the other bed.

"Maybe we aren't so far apart after all, Sammy," Dean said softly, shutting his own eyes before settling back into sleep. "Maybe we just need to do more of this communication shit to realize it."

Smiling happily, Sam nodded and shut his own eyes, believing his brother's words with the faith of the child he'd once been. It was possible that the space he'd thought was the Grand Canyon was simply a small ravine and it was just his child's eyes that made it larger than it seemed. If Dean believed then he would, too. Slipping into sleep, Sam promised himself he'd finish telling his hero his secrets in the morning.

The End

Coming soon... Story #3 in the Being Sam and Dean 'Verse