Chapter Two (Childhood and Modeling)

Author's Note: OK… this goes WAY beyond a tissue warning people, but most of the worse parts are in the second, third and fourth chapters of this part. The first chapter just kinda gets you ready for the others and gives you an idea of what's gonna be revealed. If you are really squicky with the chapter content you may be able to get away with reading the first chapter only and have some idea of what Jensen went through. Although you will need the other chapters to get the big picture and to understand who all the bad guys are. I am sorry if this will confuse those of you who chose not to read the other chapters later in the Verse.

AN2: This is the "don't send me hate mail" note. I in NO WAY have anything against any of the actors I have made into the "bad guys" or claim to know anything about any of them. I in no way want to imply I think ANY of these actors would do any of these things to anyone!! It is used strictly for plot. Someone has to be the bad guys people. Also, I PURPOSELY did NOT date check, fact check, compare where Jensen was when. For my own reasons I like to keep things of this nature as far from the truth as possible. So please no comments of Jensen didn't do that 'til here and know this person 'til then and such and so forth. Names of family members have also been purposely been changed again for my own reasons. I just don't like using family members in my stories. So in other words… suspend what you "know" about Jensen's life and career because it won't fit here.

Jensen tucked his head under Jared's chin letting his ear press comfortably to the hollow of his throat. He could feel Jared's hands already moving up and down his back, well used to comforting Jensen in this manner. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly Jensen took a shaky breath and began his tale. "My daddy died when I was 8. He was shot. I was there. He had a shop in Dallas that sold guitars and other musical instruments. I guess we didn't really have that much money, but I was just a kid then so I didn't really understand stuff like that, ya know? I just knew my dad loved me lots. Sometimes on Saturdays he would take me into the shop with him and I would get to help him or he'd teach me basic chords. Every once and awhile people would come in to buy guitars and I'd sit and listen to them play. I didn't really understand they were famous types. I just liked how they sounded and I thought it was cool that they knew my dad."

Jared smiled softly hearing how Jensen's voice changed at the mention of his father. He'd known that his dad was dead, but his friend had never talked about him before. It was already obvious though that Jensen'd been very close to his father before he died and somehow the little bit of warmth he'd been holding onto had turned ice cold. Resisting the urge to call his own father immediately, Jared pressed his lips into the back of Jensen's neck and continued to listen.

"The shop wasn't really in the best part of Dallas and there was always cops and robberies in the neighborhood, but dad had always been safe because of the names that came into the shop. One Saturday though he and I were in there and we were out on the sales floor. He was teaching me a new chord. I remember this guy coming in and right away dad told me to go into the back. I didn't wanna go, but he looked mad so I ran towards the back and hid behind one of the drum set displays.

"I remember getting scared when they started arguing. My dad never yelled or anything. He was always calm and soft spoken even when he was mad at one of us. I remember seeing the gun and I remember hearing it go off, but I didn't really understand what was going on. I remember the guy shouting more when he opened the register and there wasn't much cash in it. I remember being scared when he came out from behind the register and looked back to where I was hiding. I was afraid that he was gonna come and shoot me too, but he didn't. Instead he ran out and I honestly don't remember how long I hid behind the display before I finally ran out to my dad."

Jared couldn't help but tense up imagining little Jensen hiding behind this display watching the final moments of his father's life. A man who had obviously meant a great deal to his small son and Jared could tell from the shaking of Jensen's body that he hadn't yet gotten over his death. "After that I don't remember much except all the blood and being upset when he wouldn't move. I was old enough to kinda understand I guess but…" Jared wasn't surprised when Jensen stopped speaking despite the fact that he'd been speaking with almost a detached quality, as if he was telling someone else's story. He supposed though that after having lived such a hell and replaying it God only knew how many time in his head over the years that he too would have to detach himself from it or be destroyed by it. Still he couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't this detachment that was part of the root of Jensen's problems. When Jensen began speaking again Jared filed the though away to reconsider later.

"After my dad died I didn't really talk much. That's one of those things about Dean I related to well because after my dad died I just didn't feel like talking to people. I missed him somethin terrible and I had really bad nightmares. My older sister would yell at me saying it was my fault and she started picking on me. She'd lock me in the closet at night and leave the light off so I had to sit in the dark. Or she'd lock me out of the house after school especially if the weather was bad. She'd put things in my food when mom wasn't home that was gross like dirt or things like that and make me eat it or starve. Since I didn't talk I couldn't really tell anyone, but I doubt they would have believed me anyway. She was mom's favorite even before dad died."

Jared's teeth clenched as the tally running in his head added a name to its list. Jared was beginning to wonder if he was just extremely lucky when it came to his family. Sure his older brother had tormented him at every chance, but he'd also taught him how to throw a perfect curve ball and explained the finer points of chili dogs and Texas BBQ. His sister was also older than him but she'd been pretty tolerant of his dorkiness and had been extremely protective of her little brother. Unless he and his friends had been peeking at her and her fiends at her sleepovers, and in that case she tended to get even by doing terribly girly things to his hair. Jared supposed that he'd deserved it and had never held a grudge for long.

NEVER would she have treated him in such a manner and he couldn't imagine how any older sibling could. Maybe he was becoming programmed by Dean into assuming all elder siblings treated their younger siblings as Dean did Sam. Once more Jensen pulled him back to reality with his almost monotone voice.

"Mom married my step-dad within 6 months after my dad died. At the time I didn't really understand how quick that was, I just knew that there was this new guy that insisted I call him father. Of course I still wasn't talking and I started acting up in school, so after we moved into his big house he had me shipped off to this special school. It was some Christian school for troubled kids or some crap. Basically it was just some place for rich parents to ship off their kids when they didn't want to deal with them or their problems. Most of the kids there were… hard for me to deal with. I'd always been shy and despite my problems in school I still was so being shipped off somewhere with only strangers was hard. I didn't really fit in and most of the kids there had problems worse than me.

"I was there for two years before I got brought home. No going home at Christmas, no going home in the summer or at spring break. I was in that place for two years. I got beat up, locked in the janitor's closet, teased just about everything you could think of. I only had one friend. His name was Jeremy Attwater and his dad was… well still is a photographer. Jeremy was my roommate and he was the only one who didn't pick on me for talking since he didn't do much of it himself.

"Since I couldn't stay at the school over the summer Jeremy took me home with him when my step-father said I couldn't come home. I didn't like it there. His dad was always looking at me and he'd come in while we were bathing to make sure that we were getting clean. He was always touching us too. At first it was just weird stuff, but then when he started taking my picture to got worse."

Jared narrowed his eyes at this. He like Jensen had modeled as a child and knew Jeremy Attwater and his father having been photographed by him more than once. Of course his mother or father was always around for his shoots, which would have prevented any funny stuff from happening. He also remembered Jeremy. Specifically he remembered how even though he was older than him he seemed almost half his age. Looking back and knowing more about the world than he did at the time, Jared recognized that Jeremy had to have been an abused child. He couldn't help but feel that had to have been what lead to poor Jeremy's tragic ending.

"When Jeremy's father asked me to let him take my picture, I didn't want to. I didn't like the idea. I was shy enough and I didn't really get what he wanted from me. I didn't like how he called me Pretty and ran his hand over my face. I kept hoping that my step-father wouldn't agree to let him do it because he was supposed to be religious or something, but when he found out I could make money he let him do it.

"The first time he fucked me was on our first official photo shoot. He told me that it was my fault for being so pretty. He said I was a slut and that I was making him do it to me. He told me that if I told anyone they wouldn't let Jeremy and I be friends anymore and he was really the only person who cared about me at that point. So I didn't tell. Although looking back I don't really know as he needed to threaten me with Jeremy. I didn't have anyone to tell. No one would have believed me and honestly I don't think anyone really would have cared. I was just some mostly mute screwed up kid who had nightmares and a family who didn't give a fuck.

"After that summer I spent all my breaks at Jeremy's the next school year. His dad would come up and take me to do photo shoots and then touch me afterwards. Hell I knew now to suck dick before I was ten years old. By the end of the school year though I was making a lot of money or at least enough that my step-father thought I was being wasted at the school. So at the end of the school year he took me out of school saying they weren't doing me any good and brought me home."

When Jensen paused again, Jared was thankful. His ears needed a momentary break or else all his teeth were going to crack. His mind was already working through the possibilities of getting to this bastard, wondering what it would take to make sure he couldn't do this to any more boys. Jared knew Jensen and Jeremy couldn't have been the only ones and he couldn't help but feel guilty that he hadn't known that something was happening to the pale, scared, and painfully skinny boy he'd modeled with. He couldn't help thinking that if he'd only known maybe Jeremy would have survived his life.

Jared felt Jensen shift on his lap and loosened his grip only long enough for his boyfriend to get comfortable again before re-establishing his hold on him. He was half afraid that if he wasn't gripping him hard enough that he knew it was almost painful that Jensen would either slip away for forget he was there altogether and get lost somewhere in the dark recesses of his past.

Going home for Jared had always been something he'd looked forward to even when he knew there was a punishment waiting for him. So he had no way of knowing how it must have felt for Jensen to know he was going home to a place where he wasn't loved or wanted to people that didn't understand him and a father who wasn't even a shadow of the man who'd cherished him. He was determined though that some day Jensen would meet his father and knew while he would never replace Jensen's dad that Jared's father would love Jensen as if he was his own son. Maybe then Jensen would be able to remember what it was like to be a part of a loving family.

Clearing his throat Jensen began to speak again. Jared was beginning to wish that this tale would just end, but knew they weren't even close to being done. "The first thing he did when I got home was beat me with a flyswatter. It wasn't one of the cheap ones they sell today. This one had this long metal handle and this big hard plastic piece on it. He'd swing it as hard as he could as I laid across his knees. My dad had never spanked us, and even though I was getting used to abuse by then I still cried. He'd make fun of me. He'd call me an abomination of God. He told me that Jeremy's dad told him I was a cock tease and that I'd come onto him.

"He told me that I had the devil in me and that I needed him beaten out of me. He'd preach at me while me was spanking me telling me I was no better than a prostitute because of the pictures I let them take of me. Then when he was done he told me I had a flight the next morning out to LA to have someone new take my picture. My mother wouldn't speak with me. My sister had turned into this… clone of my step dad. I found out that my mom had a baby while I was at school. My brother was spoiled rotten. They bought him the best of everything while I wore second hand clothes and had to eat in the corner like some animal because he said I wasn't good enough to sit at the table.

"When I was in LA he hired this, I guess you'd call her a nanny to watch me because they weren't going to filthy themselves with what I was doing even though they seemed to enjoy the money I was making. When I was at their home I was to stay in my room unless I had some family function to go to. Eventually they stopped letting me come down to dinner and I had to eat peanut butter and jelly in my room alone because he said that was all I was fit to eat.

"I was supposed to have a private tutor, but he didn't want to spend the money on me so he paid some guy to lie and say I was being tested and taught. I never went to school after the 5th grade. I guess that's why I'm so dumb.

"Things pretty much stayed like that until I was 15, when I got the part on Days. When that happened they shipped me out of the house and wouldn't let me come home. I didn't care anymore though. I hated that home and I hated them. At least in LA I knew how to sneak out and be on my own. I was still getting fucked and sucking cock for the various photographers, casting agents, sometimes even the directors, but by then I thought that was just how it was. No one told me it didn't have to be that way 'til I got to the Dark Angel set and met Michael."

Jared took a deep breath hoping the tears had dried on his face as he rubbed Jensen's arms thinking at least one of them shouldn't be so icy cold. "I need to potty, Jay," Jensen said quietly and Jared found himself almost reluctant to let him go. Jensen proved that he still could read Jared as well as Jared could read him. "That's all Jay I promise. I popped a couple pills while you were changing before I worked on your hand. I won't get fucked up tonight. Tomorrow I can't promise, but I'll never get through this if my head is all fucked."

Nodding Jared loosened his grip and watched Jensen get up and move down the hall. Getting up Jared headed into the kitchen where he braced his hands against the counter, then reached for the phone. It was late at home he knew, but he also knew his father loved him and would understand. There was no way he would get through the rest of Jensen's story without hearing his father's strength and love.

Read Chapter Three of the Fifth Step in the Steps Verse