First Step: To Believe

Jared stood in the shadows watching as his friend disappeared behind a door following a man he'd never seen before, but he didn't need an introduction to know who or more accurately what he was. Jared knew he was going to be recognized if he hadn't been already, but he didn't particularly care. This wasn't about him anymore. It was about Jensen and what watching him slowly killing himself was doing to Jared and their friendship. It was about lying awake every night sleepless with the fear that when he woke up in the morning he'd find out Jensen would be gone forever lost to some needle or one last line. It was about the secret he'd been holding close to his chest for so long it was suffocating him and Jared feared wasn't going to stay hidden much longer.

People called Jared naïve. Some displaced Texas boy who didn't see the evils of the world, but Jared thought they were idiots. He wasn't naïve and he wasn't blind. He saw the good, as well as the bad; he just mostly didn't see the need to let it consume him or his ideals of what someone was. He didn't see the logic in letting one bad deed define someone's life. People were made up of more than one single moment. It was the combination of every moment in their life that identified who they were, not a single bad choice.

He believed in people, and he supposed maybe that did make him somewhat naïve by some people's standards, but in Jared's mind he'd rather be let down a time or two than miss out on something spectacular because he didn't take a chance or because he failed to have faith when faith was all that was needed. Jensen though… even Jared was struggling to keep the faith where his friend was concerned. It wasn't that he didn't believe in him any longer because Jared… yeah… Jared could no more give up on Jensen than he could just decide to not breathe for the next day or so.

So no, the problem wasn't in the belief, it was in the notion that he could have any positive effect on his friend, hell that anyone could. The problem was, as Jared saw it, that Jensen himself was so far down the rabbit hole that he didn't seem to believe his life was worth fighting for. Not that he didn't think he wasn't an addict because… yeah. Jensen knew and readily admitted it. In fact he was known to use it as a weapon piercing the heart of anyone who even attempted to get close to him. He'd used it to push away all that had ever called him friend, except Jared.

For some reason Jared was the one lonely vestige left of what was the goodness in Jensen's life. Supernatural was gone whether it was momentarily or permanently seemed to be up to Eric. Tom and Mike had washed their hands of him. Steve and Jensen had a terrible falling out and when forced to take sides Christian had followed Steve. Jared knew Jensen saw that as a huge betrayal, but Jared knew the decision hadn't been easy on the older man and while he'd privately sympathized making sure Christian himself knew Jared understood his decision, publicly and as far as Jensen would know at least for the moment Jared had nothing good to say about the man (a decision which Christian had in turn understood).

Because he like Jared knew this… thing… that had consumed Jensen wasn't about Steve, or Jared, or the show or the fans or any of that bullshit. It was about something deep inside Jensen that only he knew and understood and believed that Jared was the only one left who stood a chance at getting it out when the highest paid professionals had failed.

People labeled him an enabler. They blamed Jared for how far Jensen had fallen, for why he hadn't gotten his shit together yet, for everything under the sun and Jared… He accepted they had their rights to believe as they wished, but to Jared it wasn't about enabling. He didn't support Jensen's habit. He didn't buy him drugs. He didn't lie to cover for him, but he was damned if he was going to abandon him when he was all Jensen had left, when he was the one person Jensen had deliberately and intentionally held onto. And besides all that Jared simply loved Jensen too much to be the one person who could send him into that place he wouldn't come back from when maybe his presence could have been enough to give his friend enough hope to turn things around. Believing after all was what Jared was best at and his belief in Jensen was wide and strong.

Jared figured Jensen had kept him around above everyone else he'd known for a reason. Despite what happened with the others Jared knew that it wasn't an accident they had all disappeared. Jensen had done everything in his power to push them all away while at the same time almost clinging to Jared's friendship at moments as if he was terrified Jared would steal it away. To say Jared was confused was putting it mildly. He had absolutely no practical knowledge of such situations although in the last three months he'd done more research on the subject of drug addiction than he had anything involving Supernatural or any other project he'd ever been involved in. Three months….

It hadn't seemed like it was such a long time back before he'd left; but now, standing there in that beyond seedy bar watching, waiting for Jensen to hopefully come back from wherever that beyond sleazy drug dealer had taken him, Jared realized it had been a lifetime too long. For not the first time he questioned his decision to take the movie role that kept him away from Jen, and believed he'd made the right choice in telling his agent he wasn't taking any more… indefinitely.

He'd sat through the lecture on how he couldn't afford it, he was only one among many, but it was when the little bitch had gotten to Jensen saying he wasn't worth it that Jared made SURE she'd understood his feelings. "Jensen is the single most IMPORTANT thing in my life, period. I don't NEED to work. I don't have some huge house I have to pay for. I don't have kids or a wife I need to support. I have more than enough money to keep me happy for the rest of my life. So, I suggest that you accept the fact that until Jensen is back on his feet I ain't working. Or if you'd like you can go fuck yourself because really I don't care one way or the other."

Jensen didn't know he was back. Jared knew he hadn't been home in weeks and looked it. It had honestly taken more effort than Jared's insomnia was comfortable with to find him, but he had… just in time to see his friend head towards the door at the back of the room. He wanted to shout. He wanted to scream at Jensen for following, for begging for the crap he'd pollute his body with further, but he didn't and he wasn't going to. Jensen knew, and Jared made sure of it. Jared also knew. He knew what the books said. He knew what the experts said. He knew what Jensen's Mamma and Daddy said. He knew what Christian said because over the last three months he'd heard from them all. He'd been blasted by all but Chris. Hell Jen's daddy threatened to shoot Jared if he ever got him in his sights, but Jared didn't rightly give two fucks. Only Chris had understood what Jared was doing and supported it, but then of the list of people that had bitched at him about Jensen while Jared was off shooting his movie he figured Christian was probably the only one who had ANY clue about what made Jensen tick other than Jared himself.

"Don't you turn your back on him Jay," the gravelly voice had threatened very long distance as Chris hid in his Nashville home he shared with Steve, while Jared paced restlessly in Australia wishing the continent was closer to the states. "Don't you do it. I know Jen, I mighta chose Steve's side in this fiasco, but that don't mean I don't understan', Jenny.

"He needs you Jay even if I don't think he believes you'll ever stick 'round. You're the only damn bright thing he's got left. I can't say I completely know what's goin' on in that damned head of his, but I got at least half of an idea. Jenny's been fightin' demons, an' I mean the real ones not them pretend ones with black eyes y'all used to chase 'round every week on that damned ghostbuster show of yers, all the time I've known him. That boy's got somethin' dark insida him maybe more than one somethin', but he trusts you Jayman. You don't leave him or we ain't never gonna see him again 'cept in some damned crypt somewhere.

"I know you don't probably believe it, but he loves you kid. Loves you more than he's ever had the courage to love anyone, loves you more than anyone before you's ever loved him back, and he's dyin', kid. You an' I both know it. But you, you got somethin' insida you that he may fight for. I ain't gonna tell you no damned sappy country song notion like love will fix it all, 'cause we both know only Jenny can fix this himself, but you hold in your hands and heart the power to give him things he ain't dreamed of in a lifetime. Don't you take that away from him. Don't you do it Jayman, don't you dare."

When Jared saw the slimy man he'd seen Jensen with earlier come out of the door, minus Jensen, Jared couldn't hold back any longer. Striding across the room wearing his "my name is Sam Winchester and I fuck up things that would make you piss your pants" face, Jared moved through the doorway feeling like he'd crossed some threshold into a place he'd never meant to be.

It didn't take him long to find Jensen. Head tilted back, face pale and sweaty, skin and clothes dirty, looking like he was so far past death Jared wondered how he was still alive. It was in that second he'd known the movie was an error. After all, Jensen was more important and the last thing he'd needed was to be separated from his last lifeline. "Jen?" Jared asked quietly easing up next to his friend refusing to think about anything except the fact that he was at least alive.

"Jar?" Jensen's head turned slowly. Glossy eyes blinking with disbelief, "Jar that… that really you, man?" The pain in Jensen's voice nearly brought Jared to his knees. "You came… you came back?"

Jared smiled and despite it all he was glad to be back with Jensen. No matter what was going on, no matter what condition his friend was in at the moment, filming just hadn't been the same without his best friend and partner in crime.

"Of course I'm back man," Reaching out Jared pulled Jensen into a hug his eyes closing at the feel of the man in his arms. Jared could tell he'd lost too much weight that he couldn't afford to lose while he was gone, food wasn't a high priority for Jen these days and Jared had suspected that without him there Jen wouldn't even made the effort 'til he had to. "I'm back for good."

He could feel the way Jensen trembled in his arms and if only for the moment forgot all the reasons why it wasn't a good idea to start something with Jen right then. He just wasn't strong enough to fight him, damn Christian Kane and the ideas he planted so nicely in Jared's head.

Sighing Jared pulled Jensen even closer curling him up in his arms trying to curl his entire body around Jensen's battered and frail frame. "I thought. I thought… God Jay I thought you were gone too. I thought… I thought I'd… Don't go Jay please. Don't… God I'm a mess. I know I don't deserve this. Don't deserve to have you stay, but please Jay. Don't… don't leave me please. You're all I got man. You're the only one who's never… Please don't take the light Jay."

Tightening his arms Jared rested his cheek in Jensen's dirty hair moving it back and forth letting his lips press into a kiss every now and then. "I ain't going Jen, but this… Jen you gotta…" Jared stopped knowing demands wouldn't help. Jensen would only get clean when he was ready. When he wanted to do it for himself. "I'm here Jen. I'll wait 'til you're ready. Day and night no matter what. I can't make you wanna fix your life Jen, but I ain't gonna leave you to drown in it either. When you're ready to take that step I'll be there, no matter what it takes. All you gotta do is say the word. I already got everything worked out."

Jared felt Jensen's hands curl into his back gripping the shirt he felt there as he continued to shake in his arms. "I'm a fuckin mess Jay. I can't… It doesn't matter what I want. I can't do it. I ain't worth trying. If I was any kinda man I'd make you go away too, but fuck Jay I can't… You just… you don't know, Jay you don't know. It was so bad for so long and then there you were and… I wanna just… If I could just… curl up inside you, God it'd be everything. I want…"

Jared's hand began to move unconsciously, one over Jensen's back and one over his neck kneading gently as he listened. "I'm a disaster man, but you. God Jay you're so good and you feel… I thought you were gone man. I was so damned sure you'd realize once you left for that damn movie how much you don't need me, realize what a fuckin weight around your neck I am and just… not come back. But, fuck you're here and… I need… I didn't think I could need anything as much as I do… but you. Fuck Jay. Don't… all I got man. You're… want you so fuckin' bad wanna be good enough. Why'd they have to do it Jay? WHY? Why'd they hafta make me not good enough before I had a CHANCE to be… I coulda been… Yours Jay, yours. FUCK! Don't… just… please Jay God please!"

Jay took a breath ignoring the tears soaking into Jensen's hair, disregarding the why's of how bad an idea it was to start a relationship with someone who was as far gone as Jensen was. But maybe, maybe that little voice in his head had been right all along. Maybe this was about nothing more than Jensen. Needle tracks and blown pupils and jittery nerves and demons and sleazy drug dealers who only wanted to ruin one more life be damned, maybe this was about nothing more than Jensen, not just Jensen but him and Jensen. Maybe this was about the two of them doing what it takes to get Jen though this, getting him back into the light where he could stand at Jared's side believing he belonged.

"Ain't leavin, Jen. I promise. No more movies. No TV sitcom appearances. No photo shoots. No nothing but this. When you're ready man and until then… we'll… well I guess we'll figure something out."

Jared had no illusion that this was going to magically improve overnight. He had no idealistic fantasy that Jensen was gonna wake up tomorrow and be better. Hell he was fully expecting Jensen to wake up tomorrow and have forgotten this whole thing if he was as gone as Jared believed, but well he really wasn't as naïve as they all said he was. He just chose to believe and Jensen… well he didn't believe in anyone more than Jen. This was step one in a long journey, and he was ready, willing, and God help him he prayed able.

Read Second Step: To Break in the Steps Verse