Fourth Step: To Feel Love

Jared loved Jensen. It wasn't a concept that was new to him. He'd been aware of his attraction to his friend long before Jensen had fallen so very far off course. Hell, he never would have ventured into all this if he hadn't. Of all the things he'd planned out for his life, loving an addict wasn't anywhere on the list; however, Jensen just snuck up on him when he wasn't looking.

They'd just got back from taking Jensen to get more of whatever it was he was on so that they could be undisturbed with that task for a day or two at least. Jared had insisted on going along, even if it had been just sitting in the car and watching Jensen disappear out of his sight around a corner into some alley. His gut had felt like it was being sliced open by a not so very sharp knife the entire time he'd been forced to sit there and just wait. He couldn't believe that he was doing this. This was too much of what everyone was accusing him of, but Jared didn't see any way out of it. In some ways he felt like he was as much the addict as Jensen. He wanted the other man so badly he was willing to put up with such unpleasant tasks if it meant that maybe someday they would get beyond all this.

He should have stayed home. He'd known it, but there seemed to be bigger problems with that, at least in Jared's mind, than maybe falling into the trap that everyone predicted. Jensen didn't have a car. Jared had taken that away before he'd left and hidden it so Jensen couldn't find it. The thought of being on the other side of the world and finding out Jensen had killed himself - or worse, someone else - because he was driving high was too much for him to bear. And since Jared's place wasn't even close to where they were now, that meant Jared had to get Jensen to a place where he could… score. Just the use of the word made him nauseous.

He also was unwilling to let Jensen go off somewhere and end up lost for days because he was too out of his mind to find his way back to Jared. He'd sat there in the car, his hands clenched in tight fists around the steering wheel, his gut burning with fear and loathing, tears running down his face wondering how his life had gotten to this place. Wondering how his love had gotten so terribly blown off track.

When Jensen had slipped back into the car, Jared'd just left without speaking. He couldn't. He was mad and hurt and scared out of his mind. He just wanted things to be better and couldn't see a way through this to get them there.

Jensen kept saying how much he needed Jared, but the truth was Jared needed Jensen just as much. Jensen was the first person in his life who had taken him seriously. Jensen was the first person who had looked to him with need, as if he trusted Jared enough to fix everything that was wrong. And Jared needed to be the one to fix it.

He didn't have some complex where he felt the need to fix the world, just Jensen, just the one person who mattered the most to him. But he was lost and didn't know how to find them a way out. Jensen had Jared for support, for comfort, for love. He could sleep and breath easier because he knew Jared was there, but Jared… Jared had no one. Jared had Jensen and for obvious reasons he couldn't turn to him for guidance. He couldn't call Christian. That was a road he refused to travel down again. Steve was out of the question. Tom and Mike had turned their backs. Tom making the decision of course because God forbid Superman not be in control of something. Personally that betrayal had hit Jared probably harder than Jensen. Jen brushed it off as if he'd expected it, but Jared… hared had been forced to choose sides not by Jensen, but by Tom when Jared had counted on their help in him keeping his sanity through all of this.

He couldn't call his Mamma. What the hell was he gonna say? 'Hey mom I'm in love with a drug addict who's probably closer to being dead than he is alive and I'm trying to decide how to make him better. Do you have some advice?' Yeah that conversation would go nowhere. As soon as his mother heard drug addict and the word he it would be all done. Momma would be hysterical, Daddy would be screaming and Jared would have nothing to go back to once this was all done.

So Jared needed as badly as Jensen did. Only Jared didn't need conventional drugs. Jared's drugs of choice were sugar and Jensen. Jensen he craved terribly. He needed a sign. He needed something to tell him that there was something of the person he loved in there. Instead he was sitting on his couch in his living room watching Jen…. God he had no idea what Jen was doing; only that it was erratic and painful to watch. The Jensen he knew and loved was calm and quiet. He hated the sound of his own voice and was known to be able to spend an entire day curled up in his favorite chair. This pacing, edgy, animated, raving man resembled well… more Jared on a sugar high than it did Jensen. It was no wonder Jared felt so out of place because he was the one sitting quietly on the couch just watching Jensen waiting for the opportunity to speak. At the same time he hoped he didn't have to because he had no idea what Jensen was talking about, something to do with purple long horned steers and Brittney Spears.

And it was making his heart break.

It was just shattering all over the place in more pieces than Jared knew he'd ever find again and he needed… He needed Jensen to be just for a second HIS Jen, his best friend, his heart's desire. "Jay?"

Jared looked up to see Jensen had stopped his pacing and was looking at him afraid and concerned. Hearing a choked sob, Jared realized he'd started crying at some point during his private hell and apparently he'd attracted Jensen's attention. Shaking his head, Jared ran his hands over his face, fighting for control, which only made things worse because that drew Jensen. "Jay? What's wrong?"

Jared felt Jensen's touch and at that moment it was more than he could bare. He wanted to scream, he wanted to lash out, he wanted to damn Jensen for doing this to them. He wanted to open his door and throw Jensen out on his ass, but he couldn't because he then felt shaky fingers touching the tears on his face. He was stuck and he knew it. There wasn't any way out that would leave them unscathed, there was only the road that everyone said they couldn't manage.

Even Jensen didn't know what he was rambling on about. He had lost track of his conversation a long time ago, but it was as if someone had taken him over and he couldn't stop. Turning to make sure Jared was paying attention, the sight before him was like a punch to the gut, and effectively yanking him out of the high faster than anything else could. Because there on the couch was his Jared, his savior watching him with these eyes that were breaking apart, crying silent tears as if he was suffering some great torture.

Inside his head something was screaming at him, trying to get to him through the haze of drugs he'd taken. More than he should have, more than he'd promised himself he would, more than he knew Jared was comfortable with, but his responsibility to It had stood on the way of his responsibility to Jared. Watching his friend break was horrible. Jared was happy and easy going. Jared was a never-ending ball of energy and optimism, not this defeated person sitting in front of him. "Jay?" He'd managed fear curling his gut.

What if this was it? What if Jared realized now that Jensen wasn't worth all of the pain? What if he left? Somehow his feet managed to get him to Jared's side and shakily he knelt down next to Jared on the couch. Lifting a shaky hand Jensen touched Jared's cheek feeling the tears as if proving to himself that they were real. What the hell had he done? "Jay? What's wrong?"

"Tell me you're in there somewhere, Jen. Please?" Jared sounded much younger than he should, like some scared little kid hiding under the covers because he was afraid of the storm. It was so very much wrong that it if only for a moment shocked Jensen bringing out something in himself he hadn't felt in awhile.

"Jay," Jensen breathed full of regret and shame. "I'm here I swear. I just… I just gotta find my way, that's all."

Jared almost stopped breathing in shock. He didn't know if it was real or if his mind was playing tricks on him, but this person in front of him was so much his Jensen that Jared didn't know what to do. And then before he could form another full thought he wanted to do a dozen different things at once, but settled for a kiss.

Once minute Jensen was kneeling next to Jared trying to fight the self loathing long enough to be something close to what Jared needed and the next Jared's lips were on his and Jensen was in heaven. It felt… good wasn't the word, miraculous was better. It felt like a miracle. It felt like everything Jensen needed. Those lips were pressed to his, the hands were cradling his face as if he was some precious treasure, and inside him something was stirring. Sure that Jared would stop any second, Jensen lunged forward shifting their balance and pushing Jared into the back of the couch tangling his fingers in Jared's hair as he moved to straddle his lap.

Jared's hands roamed though, settling first on Jensen's hips then moving circle around to his back where the moved under his shirt and over his skin until Jensen felt like he was going to be set ablaze. It was happening and he couldn't believe it. This, this moment, this kiss, this attention was what Jensen needed so badly. To feel Jay's love not just hear it. He heard whimpers but ignored them not caring how he sounded as long as Jay didn't stop.

When the kiss broke Jensen was afraid that it would stop, but then Jared's mouth moved to his neck and his hands dipped beneath the band of his sweats each taking a globe of his ass in its grasp. Jen's eyes shut and his mouth opened as he began to speak, to beg, to pray while his body came alive under Jared's attention. This was what it felt like. This was what it meant to be loved by Jay and for the first time Jensen felt something that could rival his addictions. This feeling, not the sex, but the things that came with it as if Jared was pouring emotion and love right into his body through his skin. "Jay, please, Jay." Jensen breathed a different need filling him. "Need you, Jay, please need this."

Jared's head lifted and Jensen found himself caught in Jared's intense scrutiny as if he was trying to figure out some complex puzzle. "Hold on, Jen," Jared said softly before standing lifting them both. Jensen wrapped his legs around Jared's waist and circled his neck with his arms as his lips and teeth found one of Jared's ear lobes sucking and nibbling as Jared moved them through the house. He'd waited so long for this, to be this to Jared, to feel like he was good enough to be this to Jared.

Something dark was trying to push its way through the haze of good feeling that Jared was creating in him, but for once Jensen fought it off. Nothing was going to rob him of his moment, not even his own dark demons. Gently Jared lowered them to the bed as their lips found each other again and Jensen hung on refusing to let go. Jared's hands began to move again over his sides and his arms, words being whispered straight into his ear making him shake and tremble.

He didn't know how they got undressed, he was sure he hadn't let go of Jared long enough for the task to be accomplished. Jared's lips began sucking at the skin of his hip and Jensen cried out digging his fingers into Jared's back his eyes closing as he tried to take in the pleasure. "You're good enough, Jen. You're smart enough, Jen. This isn't something you have to earn, baby, it's something you deserve."

Now it was time for Jensen to lose silent tears, but he wasn't aware of it. Only knowing that Jared was seeping into his every pore filling him with things he hadn't even been sure he believed in before then. Hands and lips roamed, but when Jared's mouth settled over him Jensen gasped and arched off the bed, words tumbling through his lips.

Eyes squeezed shut, hands tangled in Jared's hair Jensen felt himself come hot and hard down Jared's throat as his name was screamed, toes curling and back arched. Then more whispers before Jared left him for a brief moment only to come back and press a slick finger into him. New sensations assaulted Jensen as Jared touched and stretched and stroked all the while whispering and praising until Jensen was lost in a haze of sexual bliss better than any drug had been able to give him.

At first he didn't realize it was Jared's cock slipping inside of him, but then he felt the burn and some memory of his past kicked in panic setting off in his head for only a brief second before the deep rumble of Jared's praises shoved it down. This wasn't the dirty, shameful encounters he'd had before this was Jared. This was Jensen being filled and surrounded by his lover's scent and essence. This wasn't wrong, this was maybe the only right he'd had in his entire fucking life and Jensen was clinging to it like it was his last lifeline. "Jay, God please Jay just…" Jensen's neck arched and lips touched them sucking, nibbling as his body felt like it was being torn in two as Jared pounded into him. "Love you, Jay. Love you. Belong to you, Jay. Yours… knew it. Knew you'd… Love you, Jay."

It was almost too much to take when they came. Jared coaxing another release from Jensen before coming himself smearing the pool of semen on Jensen's stomach with his hand as he came himself mouth open and head thrown back, eyes clenched shut. Jensen watched through eyes cracked open and then he was covered with Jared's weight and heat, not that he was arguing. Once more his arms circled Jared's shoulders and his face pressed into Jay's neck tears falling down his cheeks as he tried to take in what had just happened to him.

Jared wasn't like him. Jensen'd been fucked so many times he was better used than a public toilet seat, but Jared… Jared was special. Jared thought this was special, something to be handed out only sparingly and lovingly. Jared had given this to him, deemed him good enough, special enough.

The voices tried to fight their way through, but Jared was still there all over him, and in him, and around him wrapping him up in his love and faith. "I'm not asking you to commit to something you aren't ready for Jen. I'm just asking you to consider that maybe I know something they don't. I'm asking you to consider having more faith in me and my love for you than you do them and their hatred and the poison they've filled your head with. I'm asking you to consider fighting for us and for this."

And as Jensen hung on, his eyes slipping shut, he did. For once, he considered they really could be wrong.

Read Fifth Step: To Tell Your Tale in the Steps Verse