Second Step: To Break

Jensen woke up slowly, feeling like something had died inside of him and hadn't informed him of the happening. This wasn't, however, something he was unaccustomed to. He hadn't opened his eyes yet because he knew what to expect. His mouth was dry and already he could feel the jittery need to take the edge off of the want that had built inside of him while he slept. Curling further into himself Jensen's body rubbed against the sheets, but it took him awhile before he realized that it was actually a bed he was sleeping in, soft, warm, comforting, as if someone had taken him in, as if someone cared again. Pulling even further in Jensen thought of Jared and felt his chest tighten with longing and couldn't stop the moan of need. Jared, the last goodness he had left. The one thing he had tried so damned hard to keep ahold of and now he had no idea where he was.

He knew it was selfish, but he couldn't help it. Jared had told him long enough that he was worth it. The damned thought wouldn't go away. It was like one of those damn songs that got stuck in your head and popped up at the most inopportune times. He told him he was worth the fight, then left him alone to run off and shoot some damn film. A part of Jensen's mind screamed he was being unfair, that just because he'd ruined his own career didn't mean Jared should ruin his for him too, but damn it he'd planted that thought in his head and then just… disappeared. "He'll be back," the little voice drawled sounding irritatingly like Chris poking at him like always. Well, Jensen didn't want to think of Chris. He was a damned traitorous bitch. After all the years of things Jen had done for him and then… But no, he'd promised himself he wasn't thinking of Christian fuckin' Kane anymore. Jared though…

Rubbing his cheek against the sheet he was laying on, Jensen whimpered again curling his fists tightly into the comforter covering him as a pang of pain hit him, both physical and mental. He needed him and damn it, he couldn't help it. He'd do anything to just…

"Jen? You ok man?"

Jensen felt the bed dip and a gentle hand run up and down his back from the other side of whatever he was burrowed under. Freezing at the sound, Jensen tried to process the voice. It sounded like him. Sounded like Jared, but it couldn't possibly be… It was at that moment that Jensen took in his surroundings. Soft comfortable mattress, soft sheets, feather down comforter, and Jared's voice from the other side of the barrier he'd hidden himself beneath. "Jared?" Jensen croaked, pulling at the comforter until he could peek out and take in the world on the other side.

The first thing his eyes landed on was a picture on a nightstand. It was himself - a black and white pic from some photo shoot he couldn't even remember anymore. His eyes were shiny. How ironic. He'd probably been high, but whether or not that was the reason for the effect he had no clue. Behind it was another picture of him and Jared together. One of their 'hamming it up for the camera' shots, again it was almost impossible to place the where and when because with the two of them, God knows it had happened more than once. Although it wouldn't be happening again, not with the show cancelled or on hiatus or whatever Eric was doing.

"Jen?" Again came the voice and he wanted to turn and look to see who it was, but there was no way. He could tell there was a window behind him and he was not for anyone looking directly into that damned light with his head throbbing the way it was.

"Too bright," he croaked out, only to hear a curse behind him.

"Fuck man," he heard as the bed lurched, as whoever had apparently been sitting on it stood. Then blessedly the room darkened before a body appeared in front of him and the bed dipped again as this person sat. This person Jensen refused to look up at. Refused to hope, refused to believe that it was who he needed it to be so damned badly because he knew he was falling apart without, knew he was dying without, knew he would never find his way out without. And a part of him wanted out. No matter how much HE didn't believe he could, he wanted out if only because he knew Jared was on the other side.

Knew Jared was there waiting for him, holding Jensen's whole life in those big beautiful hands of his. Waiting on him to take that step that said he believed too. But Jensen didn't believe, not even a little. At least not in the things Jared believed in, because Jared believed in him and Jensen… Jensen just couldn't. "Jen, come on man. Look at me."

Shutting his eyes tight again Jensen shook his head, afraid of what would happen if it was just his mind playing tricks on him. When the bed shifted again, he almost cried out as his hand shot out grabbing for… anything to hold onto, to keep this person there, to not let them go away even though he was too damned scared to look, to believe. His fingers curled around cloth and he clutched at it desperately as he felt fingers running through his hair. He wanted this person to stop, to stop touching him, to stop risking getting contaminated with his filth, but their touch felt like heaven. Long gentle fingers moved through his hair and over his scalp, soothing and massaging, easing - if only for a moment - the sharpest bit of pain. "It's alright Jen. You can open your eyes again. It's just me, just Jay. I'm here Jen, I'm real."

If anything the words, at least for a moment, drew him deeper into himself. Only Jay could know him that well. Only Jay would know what was going through his head so accurately, that he could say just what Jensen needed to hear to feel safe. And the thing was he did. He felt safe there, knowing that if Jay was really the owner of those fingers that he was safer than he had been in the last three months. Jared cared. Jared protected. Jared was everything Jensen had wanted for so many years. Jared wrapped Jensen up in his protection and God help anyone that tried to get to Jen through him. He felt the sob burst out and shook his head, trying to seal his lips together, but they wouldn't stay shut, letting out another after another and before he knew it, he was wrapped up in strong arms.

He felt himself pulled and tugged at as the comforter was lost momentarily while the bed shifted once again. The body took a larger portion of the space then pulled Jensen into its lap pulling the comforter around him. Jensen tried to fight, tried to push away, almost frantic at the idea that he could sully this savior of his with his filth. "It's alright Jen. It's just a little dirt. Nothin that won't wash away, now stop fightin' me and take this. It's alright to take it man, I promise I won't steal it away. It's yours now, yours whenever you want it. There isn't a soul anywhere that can take this from you."

"Jay," Jensen breathed between sobs, clutching and needing and grabbing and burrowing until he'd made himself as small as he possibly could, fitting on Jared's lap, wrapped up in the safety and acceptance and love. Love. He had to be wrong because there was no way Jared could love a filthy, messed up, waste of humanity like him. But the arms tightened, as he hadn't realized he'd been talking all through his sobs, echoing the cries he didn't remember from the night before. Gentle kisses pressed into his hair seemed to break the last of his resistance and Jensen broke, sobbing and clinging hysterically as he begged Jared not to leave him again. His anger didn't matter anymore, not when he knew he had Jared back. Now when he was clean enough and sober enough to know it was him, to know he'd be able to remember it was him, now when he was lucid enough to understand that Jared hadn't left him for good.

"Need you, need you, need you," Jensen chanted endlessly until he just seemed to run out of steam and quieted as suddenly as he'd started. His eyes drooped, but he fought them closing, needing the sight of Jared to go with the feel of him all around his body.

"I'm here Jensen," Jared whispered now, stroking the back of Jensen's head, pressing kisses into his temple and forehead. "I'm here."

"Need you Jay. Need you. All I got. My savior. The only one who… my savior. Need you Jay, need you forever. Tell them I'm good enough Jay, please just… tell them. Make them… please they'll listen to you just… Need you Jay."

"I'll tell them Jen, I promise the second I find out who they are." Jensen heard the hard edge in Jared's normally easy going voice, but the why didn't register. He just knew his Jay was there and back for good. It never occurred to Jensen to not believe him because this was Jay and he just… did… NOT lie to Jensen. Not ever, not for any reason, not for anyone. If Jay said that he was staying, Jensen knew he could bank on it being the honest to God truth.

Jensen wanted to sleep, he was so tired and, for once, he could feel the safety surrounding him, but his addiction wasn't going to let him go so easily. He had a responsibility to it now, and its needs weren't going to be left alone much longer. Stirring, he kept his head bowed as he pushed up and away from Jared's embrace. "You mind if I shower, Jay? I am pretty sure your neighbor's must be able to smell me, I stink so bad."

He heard Jay snort and knew there'd be a smile there if he was brave enough to look, but he wasn't. Not yet. "Come on, Jen, like you need to ask. You should know by now that what's mine is yours. You know where everything is. I think I've got some of your clothes around here somewhere. I'll dig them up for you and then I'll make us something to eat. No arguments! You get any damned skinnier, you're gonna blow away."

Jensen couldn't help but smile himself at his friend's teasing. Only Jay would feel comfortable enough with him in the shape he was in to joke and tease, but then that's what made Jay, Jay. That was why Jensen craved him so badly. Jared was the only person in the world who had ever made him feel like he was a whole person, like it was ok for him to be exactly who he was.

Jensen felt another kiss pressed against his flesh before the bed shifted for the last time as he heard Jay leaving. Finally Jensen looked up, watching him walk down the hall toward the guest room and he couldn't help but stare at the retreating form. He was trying to figure out what the hell he'd done to deserve Jay, but he knew he'd done nothing, not a single damned positive thing. He knew he should bolt now and leave Jared in peace, although knowing the stubbornness of his best friend, Jay would just track him down again. Jensen told himself that leaving would therefore be pointless, and staying would just save them both the trouble. Spotting the sweatshirt he'd been wearing for the last several weeks lying on the floor, Jensen eyed it as if he was afraid it was going to come alive. He wanted to be good enough to resist the lure of what rested in the pockets, but he knew he wasn't. Another reason he should leave, but he knew he wouldn't.

Jensen had been telling the truth earlier when he'd said he needed Jared. Rubbing a hand over his face Jensen pushed himself up and out of bed, retrieving the small package in the pocket before heading to the bathroom. As he took care of his needs Jensen tried to push away the knowledge of what he was doing in Jared's bathroom and felt more ashamed than he had before. He didn't have much and knew getting more was going to be trickier than it had been lately. Jared was going to be reluctant to let him out of his sight, but he was going to have to figure out something. He wouldn't last long without more.

Shoving away the dilemma for the moment because, after all, he wasn't out quite yet, Jensen stashed the remainder of his treasure somewhere he hoped Jared wouldn't look before climbing into the shower, wishing the dirt on his soul was as easy to wash away as the filth on his body. Jen had taken less than the dose he'd been taking lately - after all, he had a reason to be somewhat coherent now and that would help stretch it out. He had Jared back now and he knew if he was lost in a fog, Jared would be less likely to pay him the attention Jensen was craving more than the drugs.

Jensen knew it made Jared uncomfortable. He knew Jay didn't know how to handle him when he was so out of it and he didn't want to chase him off. Not today, not when he'd finally gotten him back, not when he was giving out hugs and kisses freely. Each were things that Jensen would die to get from Jared. Hugs and kisses and licks and bites and God, to be filled with Jared until there wasn't room for anything else… THAT… that was something Jensen truly would kill to have, to be good enough to be THAT to Jared because he KNEW Jay. He knew Jay didn't just give that out to just anyone and Jensen wanted to be good enough to be worthy.

Closing his eyes, Jensen let himself go, let himself imagine Jay filling him so full like that. He barely recognized his own hand wrapping around himself, it had been so long since he'd seen to physical needs that didn't relate to the drugs. As he tugged and touched, stroking and twisting his wrist on occasion, Jensen let the picture grow, let his mind create the image he needed, let himself want something other than the drugs. When he came moments later, it was Jared's name that shot from between his lips as his legs shook and his head dropped back, mouth opened and eyes clenched shut tight enough that little bits of light danced in front of his closed eyelids.

Later, after he'd finished cleaning off all the dirt he could, Jensen found himself staring at his own reflection in the mirror. He was thinking about the drugs he'd hid in Jared's house, the drugs he'd done in Jared's house, thinking about his unworthiness of Jared's love and support, thinking about what had gotten him to that point, until they were all swirling around in his head at a dizzying speed, threatening to rob him of what little mental capacity he had left. The self hatred and disgust grew, the feeling of unworthiness soared until he couldn't take it any longer.

He didn't even know what he'd done until the door opened with a bang, slamming into the wall behind it. He looked at Jared confused at the panic on his friend's face, trying to process words like blood and glass and the confusion stayed with him as the darkness rushed up to meet him. His hand relaxed, causing the piece of the mirror he'd unconsciously clenched tight in his fist to fall to the floor. The last thing he saw was Jared's panicked face in front of his own as he wondered why he couldn't ever get it right.

Read Third Step: To Be Honest in the Steps Verse