(lyrics credited to Savage Garden's "Hold Me")

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier just to give up on the whole thing.

If we can't find a way out of these problems
Then maybe we don't need this
Standing face to face
Enemies at war we build defenses
And secret hiding places


It's late. I'm not quite sure how late, but then again I suppose that doesn't really matter, as once the world is asleep then time is really of no essence. I'm perched on a stiff chair by the window, standing but crouched low with my chin buried deep into my knees as I stare out at the unmoving night. Everything is dark, shrouded in an absence of light that makes one thing indistinguishable from another. Funny how, no matter how hard someone tries to stop it, things are just meant to sometimes disappear.

It's a lot like us. It's so hard to be together when we blame one another for the fall-out. When it first happened, we would argue incessantly over whose fault it was. Who wasn't doing their job? Who loved less? Words tore viciously through the relationship that we had once so tightly held onto. "Matt," I would scream in an uncontrollably passionate rage. "Why can't you accept me for who I am?" It was my firm belief that if you loved someone, then you had to love everything about them. Our problem was that you didn't think my love for you was a good one. You didn't think it was enough, you didn't think it was real; you wanted more. But it was all I could give you. And so we argued, and gradually became more distanced from one another.

More than angry words I hate this silence
It's getting so loud
Well, I want to scream
But bitterness has silenced these emotions


The distance eventually became too great and our animosity fell to silence, satisfying itself only in the deepest crevices of our egos. At first, I was glad to be rid of the endless bickering and the ripping sarcasm and the biting arguments that had plagued us for several months. Slowly, however, I began to notice how much I was missing your voice. It seemed as though we had overtly and wordlessly forgiven each other for all of the anger, but then continued to hold a well-rooted resentment for each other. The circumstances kept us from leaving each other but the deafening silence that followed suite was enough to make a man crazy. It pounded viciously at my ears and reminded me every day that nothing had been made okay by our "mutual forgiving," which was really only the both of us getting tired of fighting at the same time.

Up awake tonight, I think about how sometimes all I want to do is apologize to you so that we can return to the bliss that we used to relish in. I want to tell you that I'm sorry and I want to give you what you're telling me you need. I want to be the person that you wish I was: someone who can devote themselves unconditionally to you, someone who can commit themselves wholly to your love so that you'll never have to be afraid of getting your heart broken. I want to be able to give you that reassurance more than anything in the world because I love you that much, but I know deep in my heart that I can't.

I can't apologize to you because I can't be that person. I'm a scared little boy when it comes right down to it. I'm young, I'm free, I'm on top of the world, and I like keeping my options open. I'm afraid of giving up all the independence that I've worked so hard for all of my life just to keep you here with me. I can only give you what I have, and what I have is a reluctance to tie myself completely down to you. My love for you is so strong that I almost can't fathom it. The problem is I refuse to give it all to you just yet because I'm afraid that if I do, it will be the end of me as I know myself.

I know that if I give everything I have to you, then without you I would be nothing.

And I think I still need to be Jeff for a while. All I'm asking is for you to hold on a bit longer, to let me be an individual for just a little while longer before I'm ready to give my entire being to you. You're the only person I want to give it to, so I don't know why you're so afraid. I don't know why you won't give me this moment alone; I guess you're scared that maybe I'll find someone new. That's just not true, but there's nothing that can convince you of how much I love you because you just don't seem to trust me.

It's getting hard to breathe
So tell me, isn't happiness
Worth more than a golden diamond ring?
I'm willing to do anything
To calm the storm in my heart


You want me to commit to you unconditionally. We've been through the argument so many times that I could recite it in my head. The frustration is stifling; how is it that you're so stubbornly choosing your pride over our love? You're sacrificing our happiness - the very glue that holds each of us together - just to assure yourself that I'm not going to leave you. Why don't you believe me when I speak the words to you? Why do you need me to give up my being so that i can melt with yours? Why can't you just give me some time?

I want to scream aloud, but I know it would be futile. If there was anything I could do to fix this without giving myself up, then I would do it, because it's so hard to live with you but be without you. I see you all day, I sleep with you every night, and yet we don't speak a word to each other. It's maddening! I need you to see it my way; I need you to give in just once. You think I should be doing something for you; why can't you do something for me?

I've never been the praying kind
But lately I've been down upon my knees
Not looking for a miracle
Just a reason to believe


Every day, I get a little more afraid that we're still not talking. I wonder if this is worth it. Sticking to my guns, I mean. Every day, I miss you more, I miss us more, and I start thinking that maybe this is going to be the end of us. I start thinking that our stupid pride is going to kill the beautiful, beautiful love we make when we're together. I want to end this, but I don't want to give up Jeff Nero Hardy just yet. I wish there was some way to know what was going to come of this. I wish I had something that would tell me everything is going to be okay, and that we will eventually return to loving each other again.

Though my back is turned to you as you lie in the bed that we continue to share despite our continuing anger, I can feel your eyes on me and I know that you're awake. You're watching me as I sit here and pick apart everything that's gone wrong between us. But you don't say a word, thinking that I don't know and I make no move to address you and so we live the night both together and apart, feigning ignorance and pretending that the other doesn't exist.

I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say it's alright
I might need you to make the first stand
Cos tonight I'm finding it hard to be your man


Dim stars cover a blank, ebony sky and as I stare at them my eyes begin to unfocus themselves. I wish for just one moment, you would consider being the bigger man and rescuing us from this. I wish that for just one moment you would allow yourself to see things my way, because I'm nearly ready to give up on the whole thing.

For as long as I can remember, it's always been me to surrender my beliefs when we disagreed. I hate fighting more than anything else in the world, and so I found it easy to just comply with you in order to end the bickering that I thought would never, ever solve anything. I always let you win, but I really never thought of it like that until now. I just thought the fighting wasn't worth it, that I loved you too much to bring it down with petty bitching. This time, though, the stakes are a bit higher. This is me we're talking about. I need to be able to be alone and on my own for a while before I let myself become dependant upon you for everything that keeps me sane and functioning. Please, please just let me be me for a little while longer and then I'm yours, I promise.

You've always had such a hard time trusting promises.

Do you remember not long ago?
When we used to live for the nighttime
Cherish each moment
Now we don't live, we exist
We just run through our lives
So alone
That's why you've got to hold me


It's just so unbelievable to me that you're allowing this to continue on, that you're really too proud and too untrusting to allow me this one freedom. I wonder if you were somehow able to erase the amazing feeling of just whispering to each other in the dark or lying in each other's arms or holding hands in a movie theater. Have you completely banished the rush of lust and comfort and devotion that came with simply being in each other's presence? I know that I'd never be able to do that. It's hurting me so much to know that you can't suck it up just this once, after all I've sucked up for you, and let me be who I want to be for a while. Life isn't life and nothing is really nothing when we don't have our love for each other. Why do I always have to be the one to make the sacrifice?

I'm startled from my early morning reflections as I feel your warm, soft arms slip around my neck and hug me tight to your chest. Your chin nuzzles into the crook of my neck and I'm nothing less than surprised; I hadn't even heard you get up. I think this is the first time we've actually touched each other since we began fighting so long ago. It makes me smile though, and I realize as I settle back into your simple embrace that maybe it is worth the struggle. Maybe you just need some time too, and things will be okay after all.