I hate you.

Your fingers are beneath the sheets, sliding around to my front side and into the leg of my boxers. Light touches that make my insides quake as you run them up and down my inner thigh, brushing against what will soon be a betrayal of all the feelings I hold inside of me right now. Your fingertips ghost my skin, tickling and leaving both shivers and goose-bumps for the rest of my body to try and cope with. I feel my innards twitching at your velvet touches and I cringe.

I think in my head how we got into this position. I pretend that I never woke up in the foggy depths of that night. I pretend that I never opened the door and you never collapsed into my arms as a pile of heaping sobs, telling me you couldn't face another night by yourself. Maybe if I was a cold person, a gruff and angry person, then I wouldn't have felt an immediate need to comfort you. But I did, and you were thanking me from the next pillow over in less than eight minutes.

And so we shared a bed. Big, whomping deal, right? It's not like we did anything. I didn't touch you, and you didn't touch me. We didn't even look at each other; we simply fell asleep in the shroud of comfort that came from having another person so close to you. We sucked the lonely out of the night. We protected each other from the Boogey Monster. You needed to have someone there to stop the crying and the pain, and for some reason - probably because I remind you of Adam - you chose me. And I filled the void that you needed to have filled; I remember listening to your hiccupping breath for only a few minutes before you calmed down and were able to sleep. We were two actors playing a part.

The problem was my reaction to being cast for the role.

It's only been four days since that night, so I still remember with astonishing clarity the way my heart leaped into my throat when I saw you at my door, crying. I wanted to scoop you into my arms and kiss your tearful eyelids, carry you to my bed and let my roving hands wash away all the pain that you had been feeling that week. Your face was ashen and crumbling and your hair was knotted and matted around your shoulders, you were dressed in a pair of ragged sweatpants and a ripped AC/DC tee-shirt but you were still so beautiful. I so easily could have just wrapped you up in my arms and nuzzled my face into your tear-stained neck, but I knew how incredibly wrong that would be.

Oh, how I fucking hate you, Jeff Hardy.

I've waited so long for this, I've waited for such an indescribably long time to feel the way you would fit into my arms and how your lips would feel on my skin, how your breath would wash over my face and how mind-numbing it would be for you to release me. This absolutely breaks my heart, because you're so close, and it would be so easy to take advantage of the situation and give you what I know you want to feel right now and all of my deepest desires would be fulfilled. But I can't bring myself that low … because you're on the rebound from my best friend.

And it goes so much deeper that you could ever imagine, Jeff Hardy. Do you know why Adam broke up with you? He probably didn't tell you the real reason, but I know it. He broke up with you because of one single night. One night, he was late for our weekly drink-and-cuss-excessively session after another bed-romp with you and I blew up at him. I screamed, I shouted, I yelled about how much time you were taking up in his life, how he and I were no longer the friends we used to be because of you, how you were taking him away from me and how much I missed being able to hang out with him whenever I felt like it.

Jeff, you should have seen him. I wanted to cut my tongue off when I was finished with my rant; he had completely frozen, mouth almost unhinged as he stared at me with unabashed surprise. I remember suddenly feeling very uncomfortable under his transfixed gaze, and I think he sensed that because he suddenly shook out of his daze and cocked his head at me. "I miss you too, Jay," is what he said to me, and I almost fell off my legs. Before I could return an intelligent response, he had already flipped on ESPN and popped a beer. I had sat down with him, resolving to forget about it, convinced that I was being selfish. But the next morning I woke up and he was already gone - to your room. I broke you two up, Jeff Hardy. Did you know that?

The only thing I hadn't counted on was this. During my emphatic condemning of Adam and his neglect to me, my feelings for you didn't once cross my mind. Everything I had told him was true; Adam was my partner in crime, the best person I could ever ask for. He was like my brother, and then suddenly you came along and we stopped doing everything together. Suddenly he wasn't having a couple drinks with me - he was having them with you. We weren't up until all hours of the night watching Sports Center because he was taking you to your first hockey game. We weren't thinking on the same level anymore, because you were eating up his mind.

I was so broken over missing my best friend that night that I had completely forgotten my secret crush on you.

Everything changed after that night, though. Adam and I had the most fantastic week ever. I took his mind off of you with pig-outs, bad jokes, lots of drinking and three AM excursions to the all-night supermarket. It was back; the connection we had shared for our entire lives that had been ripped away by your constant presence. I wanted to cry with happiness; I had certainly forgotten about the way you'd captivated me.

But you hadn't, because at the end of that fantastic week, you were banging on my door with your dirty pajamas and your unwashed hair and your never-ending cascade of tears. You'd known what my reaction to you would be. You remembered that I was head over heels for you, and so you came to me because with all of the pain you were feeling, you knew that I would be the one that would be able to take it away. In your pining away for Adam to come back to you, images of my wandering eyes and my excessive blushing when you caught me had been flashing through your rainbow-colored head and you probably smiled to yourself. He'll be the one, you thought. He'll make me feel better.

And so for four nights, you've knocked on my door and I've held back my overwhelming urges to hold you like you wanted to be held, to let my touches take away all of the hurt like you wanted them to. I resisted every impulse I got from being so close to you because I knew that already, you were doing it again. You were destroying the friendship I've had for so long.

Adam is going to be pissed when he finds out. I throw a fit and he breaks up with his boyfriend. Just when things are getting back to normal, he suddenly finds out that I'm sleeping with the person I had accused him of destroying our friendship with. Oh, He'll see it as a ploy, for sure. But it wasn't! I really did miss him, and I really was threatened by you. I don't want to be here right now, I don't want to be so aroused by your fingers on my thighs or the way you've scooted forward to press your chest against my naked back.

But oh, fuck, you feel so damn good. I haven't had someone in a long time, Jeff. Why are you doing this to me? You're going to destroy my life because in about thirty seconds, my resolve is going to collapse onto itself and I'm going turn over to look you in the eye and then I'm going to kiss you and tell you to fuck me blind and bloody and I'm going to lose my best friend forever and I'm going to have you every way that I want you but in about a month, it'll be over because you were on the rebound and just needed instant gratification to fill the void.

I hate you so very much right now, Jeff Hardy.

But I'm going to do it anyway.

My heart is pounding as I lift myself onto my elbows and then my palms, turning onto my stomach and immediately sliding my body on top of yours. As my lips dive to ravage your own for the first time, you're grinning. You had been waiting for me. Your arms move quickly to clutch my neck and keep my mouth to yours while your knees rise to lock onto my hips. My skin is burning, my tongue is burning, my cock is in flames as a flurry of desire pounds through me and we swallow each other. Your fingernails are ripping at my hair, clawing my back, raking up and down my arms as we break from an earth-shattering kiss and you gasp my name.

Ladies and gentlemen, my life is over.

Your voice sends shivers that spiral from my mind right down to the hardening member locked between us. Everything in my body is throbbing as your hips lift off the bed and pound into me through our underwear, choking the breath from my throat and beckoning my hands to come between us to remove the little clothing that was separating us. Your teeth are biting viciously at my neck as I hook my thumbs into your boxers and push them down past your hips. It's enough to make me orgasm right there, feeling your panting on my skin and your wet mouth gnawing on my collarbone. Your hands slide beneath my underwear, pushing them out of the way and resting your palms on my ass. I force my hands beneath your back and crush your body into mine, desperate to be as close to you as possible.

Desperate is the word as we frantically kiss one another, in dire need of satisfying the primal urges that were simultaneously flooding our systems. Not a second is wasted as you throw me onto my back and stealthily slide onto my gasping chest, kissing me again and taking my cock into your hand to jerk it off. My mind reels as your hand becomes lubricated with my premature juices and glides quickly up and down my shaft. Your thumb slides underneath and as you stroke, you massage that little spot behind my cock that makes me writhe in uncontrollable ecstasy. I can feel my mouth trying to form words but my face screws up into a grimace and beats of sweat begin to trickle down my temples, not allowing my voice to escape. My hands clutch your thick, strong arms as you pull harder and a cry falls from my lips as I buck back against you.

For the love of Christ - I'm fucking Jeff Hardy's hand.

In my frenzied excitement, my eyes open to find you staring down at me with an almost menacing smile and for a moment everything stops and I'm afraid. You know exactly what you're doing, don't you? You planned this all out, and you knew I'd succumb to the temptation. This was your revenge, wasn't it? And like a sucker I was playing right into it. Oh my God, Adam is never going to forgive me. You prick! Adam is going to be devastated and then you're going to say I fucking took advantage of you and you never wanted any of it and he's going to hate me and then get back with you and oh God, I'm such an idiot. I'm such a fucking idiot. You don't want me at all.

It's almost a surprise when I finally come in your hand, having been locked into a sudden panic state. Your head dips and you lick the semen off of your hand before leaning forward to give me another bruising kiss. I don't respond this time, however, and you look up with confusion painted on your face.

"Jay? What's wrong?"

I stare at you for a long time, my expression just as puzzled as yours. What am I doing? My mind is in a hundred places, gathering up every regretful moment of this past week and then I'm on the brink of tears, realizing what a horrible person I am. I wasn't a comfort to you at all. I was an objective, a conquest, a tool to get back at Adam. You didn't care that I was attracted to you; you cared that I would be foolish enough to do exactly what you wanted. And you succeeded. Adam is never going to forgive me when he finds out. You'll be the victim, won't you? It would be just as you had planned.

And I knew that as I rolled out of the bed and quickly dressed, I knew as I slammed out of my hotel room and into the lonely night, that Jeff Hardy was smiling.

Go Read Part 2!