I'm not too sure what time it was I actually woke up this morning; time had kind of been escaping me for the last few months. I remember ambling down the hall in a hazy blur between consciousness and out of my mind. I remember not being able to stand up long enough to work the coffee machine. I just kind of fell into a chair at the kitchen table and rubbed my eyes a lot.

It was way too sunny out this morning.

There were happily tweeting birds and idle breezes blowing at the wind chimes on the front porch and the kids next door were holding an early softball game in the middle of the street. So many happy sounds that just weren't quite fitting the mood of this house. I began to get annoyed and rubbed my eyes some more.

My vision went black and all I could see for endless moments were dozens of flashing red dots. Blinking, I looked around the room to refocus and the first thing I saw when I finally came to was the magnets on the fridge. They were different. My lyrics were gone, your lyric was gone, and all the extra words that had filled the bottom of the fridge were gone. There was one line of text up.

"Would I be out of line if I said I miss you?"

I think I stopped breathing; I know that I certainly snapped into a state of clear thinking for the first time in a long while. The first thing I did was look around as if maybe you were watching me from somewhere, waiting for me to discover your note. I found nothing and slowly got up to approach the fridge, staring at those words for a good long while. When did you do this? Did you leave, or did you stay? Why did you come back? I thought I wasn't worth the fight anymore.

My heart began to pound as I slowly made my way through to the other end of the house. You'd given up on me! You've been gone, gone for so very long! It's hard for me to specify exactly what I was thinking in those moments as I peeked into each passing room. I was simply swimming. Swimming with doubts and hopes and confusion and a nasty hangover to boot. Tears trickled; I was hoping you hadn't really done this to me. It was far too good to be true; I hope you hadn't done that and left, just to tug the heartstrings a bit more.

It's been hard enough as it is.

My feet shuffled uncertainly over hardwood floor and I ended in the living room where my breath was stolen away from me. You were lying on the couch dressed in a pair of my boxers and an old Hardy Boyz teeshirt, curled up and sleeping soundly. As my first reaction, I felt a sob of relief choke my throat. I started laughing; it was joyous, elated laughter and tears poured down my cheeks. You make me cry so many tears, Jeff, but you're worth every single one. Just lying there, breathing lightly and completely oblivious, you were worth it.

And so I was standing there happily, wanting to shake your shoulders. Dying to wake you up, to hold you, to tell you that I was so sorry and such a dick and missed you so much that I had completely crippled myself. I wanted to have that moment so badly; I needed so badly to apologize for not giving you the second chance that you deserved. But you were too damn pretty, so calm and innocent like that; I couldn't wake you up. I just stood there with a stupid grin on my face, marveling over the fact that even after all of my bullshit, you still missed me.

Eventually, I got too happy to just stand there anymore. I wasn't alone anymore! You were here! It was thrilling. I put on the radio for the first time since we were last together and I sang. I made some coffee, I made some toast, I even made a fucking omelet. I was fired up. The happiness of the outside world was suddenly drowned out by my own elation. Thank you God, thank you God, thank you God for giving me another chance!

My life was complete again; Jeff was here again. I was ready to dance.

I was scraping the frying pan over the basket and halfway through lyrics to "Walking on Sunshine" when I noticed that you were sitting at the table, just watching me. It made me freeze cold; my good mood was completely washed away and I folded into worry as I took in the seriousness of your face. I turned off the radio. Looking to the counter, I then picked up the plate I had been focusing on and held it out to you. "I made you an omelet," I said hopefully.

You stared at it for a long time, cracked a tiny smile and then faded back to that regretful gaze. Your eyes were shining sadly at me and it broke my heart. The silence evaporated with your cracking words. "I was afraid of you."

I bit my lip, putting the plate down and leaning back against the counter as you haltingly continued.

"You were the whole world for me, Matt. Since before I could even talk. I was afraid to think that maybe I couldn't live without you." Your eyes fell away from mine, squeezing closed several times before fixating on the backyard through the open window. "I thought maybe if I tried to be with someone else, I wouldn't be so fixated and maybe I could learn to be by myself."

I couldn't find any words. "I'm sorry, Jeff."

Your gaze darted up quickly at my voice. "You're not the one who needs to say you're sorry. I fucked up. I was too afraid to realize that what we had was good; it was the best thing ever. When you made me leave, I found out that I was right - I really couldn't live without you. But I also realized that that was okay. It was what I wanted."

"I closed you out …"

"You had every right to," You cut me off quickly.

I bit my lip again, looking away. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I deserved it."

Our eyes met then, flaring into mutual forgiveness. I didn't believe you when you said you had deserved what I'd done to you, and you didn't believe me when I said it was my fault for pushing you away. It was over. There was more longing and sorrow and heartbreak in that one gaze than I had ever felt in a lifetime, and I knew then that it was okay to love you again.

I crossed the kitchen quickly and you stood to welcome me into your hungry arms. I squeezed tightly to your waist and felt the weight of a hundred worlds lifting off of me as your face buried deep into my neck. We were shaking. There was never a hug so tight and so long and so fulfilling. It was everything we had needed for so, so long.

When I finally loosened my grip, your head picked up to meet my eyes and we shared a smile. Relief. Your arms tightened around my neck, drawing me into you and we shared a warm, breathless kiss. It reminded me of how long it had been since I'd kissed someone. Since I'd kissed you.

I don't think breakfast ever got eaten.

*

Now it's late and as my mind backtracks on the beautiful day that was today, I feel waves of comfort washing over me. This is where we're both supposed to be, I think as we lay in bed holding one another and waiting for sleep to claim us: we're together. And we both know we won't sleep; there's not a second of this night that either of us want to miss. So we lay awake in the dark, arms soft and warm and around each other as we pretend that we're trying to sleep when all we're really doing is focusing on the beauty that we haven't been destroyed.

Touching your skin makes me a brand-new kind of alive and I can't explain how wonderful it is to be able to feel that way. At this time yesterday, I was drunk silly and convinced that being dead wouldn't feel all too different from being alive anymore, that life just wasn't worth it. But that wasn't really life at all. My life is right here with you, and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

I shift to pull the sheet up over us and hold you tighter to my chest. I can feel you smiling into my skin and that makes me smile as I lean down and kiss the top of your head. "I love you," I whisper quietly, looking down into your twinkling eyes as they pierce the darkness. I watch you smile and our mouths meet softly, melding perfectly into one another.

"I love you too," Your voice comes from the silence like a light from heaven and sends shivers through my skin. I'll never stop being amazed by those words.

We sigh together and I can't help feeling like I've been freed. There's so much less pain with you at my side. There's so much less sadness and constriction; you make it easier for me to breathe. I was roped into a merciless world of depression without you and for whatever reason, you came back to free me from it. I'll never be able to thank you enough for it.

I grin to myself, wondering what I'll put on the fridge tomorrow.

Lyrics credited to Incubus' "I Miss You"