"stop it; stop touchin' me. the waiter's lookin' at you."

"no he ain't. he's lookin' at you, and how hot you are."

matt squirms slightly, not having success with gaining any semblance of personal space. "he's gonna bust us if you don't get your hand - hey!"

"i want you."

"here?"

"why not?"

"i thought you ain't supposed to answer questions with questions."

"what can i say? i'm easily distracted in English class."

"listen, i like ya and all, but i don't really think we should ... "

"we should what?"

color floats easily to matt's face. "uh ... leave without paying the check! here, lemmie get that."

he seperates himself from tangling arms long enough to grab the receipt and fish some stray bills from his pocket. leaving the slender black book on the table and a couple extra dollars in tip, he jumps from the luncheon booth and scrapes together a smile.

"ready?" he asks charmingly, pretending to ignore the ball of hormones wound tightly in front of him.

"more than you will ever know. let's do it in the bathroom."

matt blanches. "the bathroom? you mean, where someone can hear us?"

arms lace around his neck, bringing a cheshire cat's smile far too close for comfort. "exactly."

"i think," he hesitates. "we should just get in the car."

there's a rolling of eyes, but a smirk persists. "whatever you want, baby."

"matt! come on; get out of the car! my dad won't be home for three more hours."

matt sighs, tapping on the steering wheel of his car as it vibrates with the engine's idling. he looks to the passenger-side window, where a pretty blonde named gina is begging to take him to bed. they'd been dating for a bit less than a month and holding her off had been an uphill battle in an avalanche. Now was the moment of truth, and matt still could not conceive of sleeping with her, for recreation or any other purpose.

gina sours at the look of doubt and concern on matt's face. "you've got to be kidding me," she gripes. "you are going to blow me off again, aren't you?"

"gina, i'm sorry."

she is quiet for a moment, looking at the ground. then, lifting her eyes to him, she speaks again and her voice is quiet. "this is the last time, matt. just so you know."

he nods, staring blankly out the front windshield. "I know."

"all right. i'll see you around, then."

"see ya."

-

the sound of the front door closing pulls matt's younger brother from the couch in the living room. jeff is clad in gray sweatpants and a Clash teeshirt, eating from a bag of microwave popcorn as he approaches. he looks disappointed.

"you've only been gone forty-five minutes," he says as matt slips off his sneakers.

"felt a hell of a lot longer than that."

"what'd you do?"

"i took her out to eat. she wanted a go at it in the men's room."

jeff's forehead creases. "you were supposed to give her what she wanted."

"i couldn't do it. i don't love her. i don't even want anything to do with her."

"jesus, matt; that is so beside the point. i didn't ask you to fall in love with anyone. i told you to fuck them. insert tab a into slot b; it's easier than making fucking popcorn."

"and you think that's gonna make me forget?"

jeff pulls a chair out from the kitchen table and sits, pulling his knees up to his chin. "it's supposed to help, yes."

"well i got news for ya; it's a lot harder than you think."

"i don't know why. hell; i could do it."

matt's gaze sharpens and he stares down at jeff. "then why don't you?"

jeff''s expression loses its confidence after a moment and he allows his eyes to move toward the window.

"exactly," matt sneers, and then turns to head upstairs.

an hour passes before the click of matt's bedroom door is heard over the metallica cd playing in his stereo. he'd been lying on his bed, searching the ceiling tiles for the answer to his life's ultimate crisis: he couldn't get it up for gina hallow. now he turns his head to watch jeff sink into the bean bag at the far wall. jeff picks a car magazine from the rubble on the floor and matt retires his gaze back to the ceiling.

"dad's gone for the night," jeff says. "poker, or somethin'."

"okay."

there's silence, and then a sigh. "we should be trying harder."

"i don't see you runnin' out and hookin' up with all those little mallrats that are callin' your ass all the time."

"it ain't that easy when i have no liscense and no car, you shithead. but i'm sure you'd drive me right on over to fuck the daylights outta any one of 'em, right?"

matt sits up quickly from the bed, the indignation apparent in his face. "this was your idea. don't pin me like that."

"it was my idea 'cause you got all weird on me! We started school last month and then all the sudden it was like you wanted no part of me. i can tell you don't even wanna wrestle me anymore, and that's just fucked up, matt. you never gave me a goddamn word about it, either, so what was I supposed to think?"

"i don't know."

"that's fuckin' right, you don't know. so you can suck it, 'cause i've been doin' the best i can with this. you don't want me? All the sudden you join the mainstream and get some morals you never had before? whatever, i don't care. just don't mix the signals, all right? you were sayin' more or less that you don't wanna mess with this anymore, you wanna find someone new, and now you're not deliverin' when you got 'em lined up out the goddamn door. what do you want me to do, matt?"

"i don't know."

"well for someone that has a few years on me, you don't know much."

the humiliation builds as matt realizes that jeff is right. a true voice of reason, pointing out the hypocritical aspects of matt's logic and rubbing them in his face for good measure. the truth is, matt does not want to find someone new to love when all he's ever cared about sits right in this room with him. but he also doesn't want to deal with the four hundred wrongs accompanying a single right.

"i just wanna be normal," matt finally says. "i wanna be with you, and be normal."

"not gonna happen."

"thank you. i hadn't figured that out yet."

"be realistic, matt. do you really think you're gonna be able to get over me?"

"you just sounded like a big asshole right there."

jeff rolls his eyes and throws the magazine at matt. "stop it, i'm bein' serious. if i know anythin', i know you and me ain't a joke. i don't wanna just ignore it."

"me either. that's the problem."

"well, why can't we just try? i know it's gonna get harder. you're goin' to college next year, and all that stupid life shit, but maybe it can work."

"people are gonna ask questions someday."

"yeah," jeff replies. he gets up from the futon and crosses to the bed, crawling up and over matt's body to sit on his stomach. "but someday ain't today."

matt's hands automatically raise to rest on jeff's hips. together, they click into a comfort that they have searched for but can't find anywhere else. Jeff leans down and they share a soft kiss, eyes holding cautiously and far longer than their mouths.

"we haven't done this in a long time," matt says.

"i don't think we've ever done this before."

they share the understanding of jeff's words in silence and matt holds back, feeling the several different ways that this could blow up in their faces. The thoughts are expelled with another kiss, this one lingering. it was their kiss; the one they'd spent years perfecting and practicing in every nook and cranny this town had to offer. it eased them into that private world they would never dream of giving up without ferocious battle. It was one that, although gripping, was easily overshadowed by the many realities that told them not to kiss each other like that, not to tug at one another's clothes and press against

each other like that.

half a year of silence on one another's bodies, half a year of trying to forget those curves, bends, and freckles is gone. That length of time trying to forget has only made the memories come back that much stronger. unbeknownst to one another, both are comparing it to bike-riding: once you learn how to do it, you just don't forget.

matt sits up and jeff's knees hug his waist. Shirts slip off mutually and land beside the bed with a soft rustling of cotton. jeff raises up, tilting matt's head to kiss him from above; his back arches further, stomach pressing to

matt's chest, as he feels strong hands cupping his backside through cotton sweatpants. the kiss sucks them under, causing hips to taunt unknowingly, not saucy but simply eager to be moving forward.

"touch me," jeff says softly as they break.

matt looks up, feeling the ends of jeff's hair against his own face. His thumbs dip into the smooth lacunae of jeff's collarbone, so perfectly made for the warmth of a tongue. he upholds that perfection, sucking softly, sliding his fingers into the waist of jeff's pants and pushing them downward at his rigid thighs. he shifts jeff backward onto the comforter so that he can hover over him, press his face against that warm chest, drag his cheek all the way downward

to press a kiss to jeff's quivering stomach.

the ball of intensity in matt's stomach twists itself tighter as the blood in his veins pounds, flowing to predictable bodily regions. his mouth moves to cater to the heat in jeff's groin, finding a pleasant string of drawled moaning to bid him continuance. matt continues, oral muscles pulling hard for that one jerk that signifies he is doing everything right. the resulting thrashes and

groans would lead one to believe that he is well on his way, but the tugging on matt's shoulders brings a worry to his skin and he looks to jeff with concern.

"what's wrong?"

jeff finds the wits about him to smile, gasping lightly, stomach sucking in and outward before he speaks. "nothin's wrong. that's just ... not what I meant."

at the words, jeff shifts closer and fairly quickly unfastens and removes matt's pants. he takes his own organ in his hand and collects what natural fluid

matt has drawn from it during the last few moments, mixing the slickness on his hand with matt's own fluid. the touch to his erection makes matt's shoulders

shudder and fold inward in attempt to keep the hot feeling inside of him. jeff gives a flicker of a smirk before leaning back, allowing room for matt to make his next move.

matt stares at the invitation and then first shifts to hover close to jeff's mouth. "we've never done this."

"i think we covered that earlier," jeff smiles.

"i don't know if you're old enough for this, jeff; I don't want to force you or anythin' ..."

"now's not a good time to address the age thing," jeff says sharply, rolling his hips upward against matt for punctuation.

"shit," matt whispers, wincing and grating back against the feeling of tender warmth against him.

"do it. i want it; i wanna be your first. i wanna be the only one."

"until someday."

"yeah; until then."

entrance is sloppy at the very most, producing sharp pains and twisting insides. jeff cries out and matt comforts, trying to force the pain down to a minimum. the physical experience has become secondary, however, to the motivations that have driven them all along. they are claiming each other, whether they rot with the pain or scream with the ecstasy. at the end of the night they will be each other's, and if they get torn apart tomorrow, there will be nothing to take that away from them. this consummation, this hot breath and this seed will bind and make real all of the moments they have ever spent in love with each other. together they are making it exist.

climaxes arrive a moment too soon, as neither of them had yet tired of the seesaw pulling and pushing of their connected bodies. they lay afterward, unfazed by the tires on the gravel driveway down below. this is a reality so built into their everyday lives that they cease to acknowledge it; their father, in a slightly drunken stupor, will head straight for his bed under the assumption that his boys are asleep. the two do not flinch as the heavy footsteps pass matt's doorway and fade into the hardwood down the hall. there will eventually be a someday, but it won't be today.