Jay's stomach is in knots. The sky never looked blacker, the road never longer, and yet he has never been so sure of an end to its seeming infinity. An acute sensation of anxiety intensifies with every turn that his car makes, each so familiar and marking off points that come closer and closer to his destination. He's come to know this route so well, and never before has he been so fearful of it.

His eyes are blurring, burning, tired of focusing; he fixes them on the clock for a moment and sees that he's three and a half hours into the next day already. He doesn't remember when he got into his car or when he began to doubt the reasons he had for doing so. The one part of the night that remains clear to him is a moment of epiphany in which he realized that he was alone in his house with an aching so strong that he couldn't live with it any longer. He remembers this because he's felt it every night of his life for as long as he can remember.

He's exhausted but a livewire of nerves, contemplating turning around, contemplating running nose-first into a tree. He wonders if he's gone insane, climbing into a car in the middle of the night and just making up his mind on a life-altering decision that's plagued him for years. He squints through the windshield, his vision gone hazy with fatigue and suspense, and examines the number of ways in which his rationale his completely left him. Rationale, he reasons, has never been a friend in the past; it's either time to make a change or time to let it go.

And this is something that Jay cannot let go. He has never needed something more, never felt a wrong that could be so easily righted as this. Immense, uncontrollable need has been welling up inside him for so long he's lost track of the time it's taken to get to this point. He wants so badly that he simply cannot allow this desire to go unsatisfied any longer. For better or worse, he will end the struggle tonight.

Coming back to the thought makes his body flush. As though the heat of the summer night were not enough, waves of warmth radiating up from the pavement even in the dead of night, now his body temperature is rising to skyrocket through the roof. The knots in his stomach tighten, thinking of that face that's been plaguing his mind, imagining the ways that body could be wrapped around him. Heat gushes from every part of his body, and he steps on the gas.

It's these thoughts that make him lonely, these thoughts that remind him of what he can never have and what he continues to convince himself is the one thing he will ever want. If he could just have this one night, this one moment, this one man, then he will be satisfied for the rest of his life and never need anything else. It's these thoughts that have controlled the better part of his life, directing him on where to stand, what to say, how to act around the one person that could not be a better example of what it means to be perfect. If Jay could just be able to touch that once, then maybe he would never feel this awful aching again.

The clock reads close to four AM when Jay finds himself parked in front of a dark house with the engine of his car idling quietly in the near-silence. His feeling of exhaustion is suddenly gone; the hair on his arms and neck stand at expectant attention, waiting for a decision. He stares up at an unlighted window and swallows, cutting the engine with a distinct note of finality.

He slides out of the car and quietly makes his way across the front lawn and to the gate at the back of the house. Lifting a loose slate in the pathway on which he stands, he finds a brass key and unlocks the gate, entering the backyard. He replaces everything carefully and moves up to the porch, unhitching the sliding door and entering his best friend's living room without a sound. There is a small measure of pride in his chest and it swells with the knowledge that he knows the ins and outs of this home as if it were his own.

He moves on toward the stairs that lead up to the bedroom, navigating easily through the darkness and sidestepping furniture that he doesn't need to see to know is there. He skips the one creaky step in the flight and holds his breath as he reaches the landing to stare down the hall at a closed door.

He approaches with soft steps, fingertips lightly touching the door in anticipation of what lay on the other side. A part of him wants to turn and run screaming, so sure that this night is going to end badly. The other part of him, however, is far too determined to be rid of this ever-present hunger to turn away now. There is only minute hesitation before his hand finds the doorknob and he pushes it open slowly.

After momentarily abandoning him, Jay's breath returns to his body and he struggles to make out the form that sleeps soundly in the bed across the room. He moves inside, closing the door behind him and creeping toward the edge of the bed. A light hum from a fan in the window is enough to concentrate on and he uses its steady rhythm to calm the beating of his heart. At the sight before him as he reaches the bedside, Jay can only stare.

Adam is a person that was made to be admired. His body is outlined perfectly against pale sheets, only covered halfway up his back with his hands cradling a down pillow to his cheek. His stilled features are captivatingly innocent, lips parted slightly in deep breath, unknowingly tempting. His long body is stretched out like a clean slate to Jay's eyes, which are drinking in the fantasy and the opportunity that comes with it.

Feelings of heat return, enveloping Jay's body and driving him to be convinced that he can only stand and behold for so long; he's done nothing but look for so many years. He'd chosen tonight to act, and so he finds himself in motion.

Jay's hand is on Adam's shoulder, shaking slightly, dragging across his shoulder blade, moving down the middle of his back. Adam stirs slightly, and Jay encourages him further into consciousness. At the light prodding, Adam lifts up on one elbow, rubs his eyes, and squints at the figure leaning over his bed.

"Jay? What're you doin' here?"

Jay's mouth runs dry at the murmur and he struggles to re-grip his voice, finding that he is unable to do so. He slips off his sneakers and crawls up onto the bed, now kneeling over Adam and gazing down into endearing confusion. Without hesitation, he crouches down and places a demanding kiss to unwilling lips.

A grunt of surprise emanates from Adam's throat and Jay pulls away the desperate hands that push at his shoulders, pinning them back against the headboard. His lips prod hungrily, desperately, relentlessly against Adam's surprise, begging for any reaction to feed the yearning that controls him. After initial fervor is drained, he backs away and pulls in a deep breath, staring down into utter shock and settling a knee on either side of Adam's waist.

Adam struggles against Jay's hold, a flurry of lost wits, but before he can speak, Jay's mouth is against his again, imploring with breathless words.

"Please, Adam," he kisses. "I drove all night to get here; I need this. Just this once."

Adam struggles against the soft lips that rest heavily, wetly, against his own. Hot breath washes over his face. He turns roughly, trying to break the contact of mouth on mouth, quick with his refusals, shaking his head, an old feeling starting to burn inside of him that he doesn't want to feel. He denies as Jay struggles to make contact again, and he denies as he feels warm thumbs brushing against the frantic pulse in his wrists. He denies as he feels an emotion rising in him that he does not want to associate with the one part of his life that has always been constant and unmoving. Fear mounts at the eminent prospect of change.

"No, Jay, no," he whispers repeatedly, choking on his own words, feeling the foreign body heat through the sheet around his waist and feeling a rush of warmth across his skin to match it. He struggles with his wrists again, though no match against the forces that are driving Jay on this night. He feels that kiss again, so powerful and wanting only to be swallowed by his own. He pulls his mouth away again, writhing under Jay's body in attempt to dislodge himself, but finds himself coming undone at the feel of Jay's lips sucking at his neck.

"Please," he begs, seeking mercy, the will to resist so quickly drained away. "Please stop."

Jay's head picks up and his eyes are hot, burning up the darkness that lies between them. "We can do it," he assures, though it comes out with half a question as a desperate note sticks in his voice. He kisses Adam again. "We can try it, please, let's try it. I need you."

Adam studies with amazement the way intense lust and unrelenting terror mix together on the face above him, which moves to press lightly against his forehead. He is afraid of the fact that he is addicted to it. He feels the grip on his wrists loosening and closes his eyes against the decision he feels mounting in front of him. An inner voice nags at him, reminding him that he has never been one to take risks.

A second inner voice reminds him that he has never been one to refuse Jason Reso, either.

Finding a courage that might not be anymore than a mutual hunger, Adam pushes away the sensibility of his mind and timidly circles his arms around Jay's neck, pulling warm lips back into contact with his own. His eyes crush closed, embracing the feeling of something he'd always considered a passing fantasy and at the same time, still fearing the worst. Friendship turning to lust could end with an end, but for some reason he had the feeling that the events of this night would leave him thinking that the sacrifice was worth it.

Jay is shifting all around him from above, pulling the top sheet away, sliding out of his shirt, laying himself back down over Adam's half-disrobed body. His hands are warm, following up Adam's ribcage, mouth giving undivided attention to the hollow of Adam's neck. Their lower bodies lay pressed together, shifting against one another, creating small jolts of excitement that demand to be duplicated. They move again, separately, and then come together with one rolling of hips that makes each of them groan into the other. A rhythm is found, accompanied by eager kisses, and friction becomes top priority.

Jay's hands are nimble, causing Adam's back to arch and their bodies to ache verbally with the connection, as they run with fingernails down Adam's sides to his underwear. It's removed half-quickly, half-sloppily, and Adam assists with the zip and button of Jay's old jeans before they are both down to the skin. They lay, legs wrapped around one another, warm hands on warmer body parts, foreheads creased with mutual concentration as their kisses become harder and harder to connect. The focus is drifting, as are hands, in a steady motion that warms both throats with a thin moan.

Adam finds himself in a state of inability on all levels as Jay's mouth descends on him with a suggestive flick of his tongue and a suction that warrants erratic gasping. His fists find only sheets, sheets that are cold and stale and nothing compared to the fire that burns up his insides with the steady ministrations of Jay's mouth. He finds himself whimpering incoherently, reaching out into the open air for anything that might help him back to sanity. He only finds Jay's hand, fingers interlacing with his own, and Adam squeezes with all of the strength it takes to keep from exploding at the seams. More easy strokes of Jay's tongue twist Adam into an unimaginable position on the mattress.

When Jay moves back, Adam is panting, nearly breaking into a sweat, and feeling a torturous chill where the source of insanity once was. It's now damp, wet, tingling, ready; Jay lowers himself slowly, tenderly. They lock eyes, are connected, and feel an undeniable shock that passes between them. They grind together, feeling the erotic heat that skin creates against skin, and greet a mutual feeling of ecstasy with open arms.

Adam's body maneuvers as he begins to feel a force creeping into his bones that he is unable to manage. He shoves suddenly, hips lifting under the weight of Jay's body, forcing them harder together. Jay's mouth falls open and he clasps at Adam's knees, keeping himself stable, riding it out. They separate momentarily and then he presses back harder, pushing his body downward, feeling a type of wholeness that he didn't know existed. It brushes deep inside of him and shocks him like a bolt of lightening; he cries out, and they move faster.

Their bodies move without direction of the mind, obeying only each other. Jay follows that upward spiraling of Adam's hips and strangled cries, leaning into that angle that brings them so close together that Adam can almost reach his soul. They struggle against one another, both fighting and working together to reach that peak of an incomparable uphill climb.

Adam's heavy grunts send chills down Jay's spine, and the movement inside of him sends him well out of control. Jay seems to be coming out of reach for full breath, needing that completion so badly he's near tears. He feels it as an inversion; everything on the inside seems to be turning outward as one final jerk against that sweet spot sends him back down from his euphoria with an expiring cry. His body is stiff and then weak, feeling those last exhausted pumps that lead Adam to share his physical spending.

Jay finds himself laying against a heaving chest and unable to smile the smile he feels overtaking him. They separate, disentangle, and then re-tangle as something less feral and more comforting. Their breaths become full and calm, sharing the warm air that rolls over them. There is stillness in the room once again, and the sound decibel falls back to that of the whirring fan in the window.

He raises his chin to look up at Adam and sees that his companion has already allowed his eyes to slip closed, one corner of his mouth twitched upward and reveling in this overwhelming feeling of satisfaction that is beginning to overtake them. Jay shifts back down into Adam's side and closes his eyes as well. He thinks in time with the rhythm of contented breathing against his ear, so sure that he can now die with no regrets. For the first time, he can breathe without aching, sleep without loneliness, and touch this body without fear.

---

possibly i am the only human on Earth to be driven to pwp by CELINE DION??? gahhh.

"I Drove All Night"
I had to escape; the city was sticky and cruel
Maybe I should have called you first but I was dying
to get to you
I was dreaming while I drove the long straight road ahead
To taste your sweet kisses, your arms open wide
This fever for you is just burning me up inside


I drove all night to get to you
Is that all right?
I drove all night; crept in your room
Woke you from your sleep to make love to you
Is that all right?
I drove all night

What in this world keeps us from falling apart?
No matter where I go, I hear the beating of our one heart
I think about you when the night is cold and dark
No one can move me the way that you do
Nothing erases this feeling between me and you