It's so stupid. He shouldn't be back-he's not ready for it. He'll just end up falling again and being off worse than he already is. But I can't tell him that. Shit I've tried telling Jeff what to do before and it doesn't work. He'll just pretend that he doesn't hear me then saunter off and do his own thing. He's done it before and he'll do it again.

But he really shouldn't be back in a wrestling ring. I love him and want him to be happy, but he's not ready. He's still using the drugs at least once a day, having unprotected sex every chance he can get, and he's still careless. Oh sure, he looks happy again-I know he did last week on TNA's show-but he's not.

You see, I know Jeff better than most. I know him better than he knows himself. And I can tell you right now that he's not happy. Oh he'll tell everyone that he is, but they don't hear him cry at night back at home. They don't see the way his eyes droop when he thinks that no one is looking. Hell, not even Shannon can see just how un-fucking-happy his best friend is.

But I can.

I can because I love him. No, I mean that I REALLY love him-more than I should. Yes he's my brother and I love him, so what? Don't fucking judge me and don't make any sarcastic Southern remarks either. How can I not love Jeff? He's been the center of my world for so long that I just hafta love him. I've never had the chance to look for love anywhere else. I've spent my entire life caring for him and keeping him out of trouble. And I've failed in those two while succeeding in loving him.

He doesn't know that I love him that way. Or if he does, he's never said anything to me. I don't know if I would want him to. I mean, it's always been a secret part of me and for him to suddenly rip it out and expose it to the light of day is a scary thought. And I don't think he loves me that way anyway. Jeff doesn't know how to love despite all the love he's been given by not just me, but everyone. Shannon, Shane, Jay, Adam, Chris-they all have loved him at one point or another, but he's never loved them back. It's not that he can't commit, because he could if he gave it a chance, I just don't think that Jeff knows how to show love. He's been closed off ever since mom died when we were kids and he's never been able to open back up. It would be okay to him if all he had to do was worry about sex, but every time love enters the equation he backs off. Except for Shannon. And that's not even real love-he just tries to love his best friend because he thinks he should love someone. He doesn't love Shannon, not the way Shannon wants him to. Sure, they're best friends, but Shannon has loved Jeff almost as long as I have. And I know that he's got more than I ever will have because he's not family. He doesn't hafta worry about if loving Jeff is wrong because it's not illegal to him.

And it's Shannon's fault that Jeff is still using.

I don't want to blame him, but I hafta. You see, Jeff was just a casual user-once or twice a month at big parties he'd go for the good stuff-until Shannon started using too. I guess that Shannon became addicted to everything a lot faster than Jeff expected him to, and suddenly he was shoved into that world as well. He couldn't leave his best friend to fend for himself after all. Jeff started using as much as Shannon did and he got hooked too. It was when he started carrying his stash on the road with him that I knew it had gotten bad. I'd watch him in the hotel room at night when we were still on the road together, and my heart sank as I watched him fumble with the little baggie and cry when he couldn't get it open because he was so nervous and high strung. More than once I had to set everything up for him. It killed me to do it, but I figured that it would be better than having him freak out on me. Then Shannon got called back up and I got moved to Smackdown with him. Even though the two were on separate shows, Jeff started using more with his best friend around. Yeah, sounds stupid to me too. I was scared to death when PPV time rolled around because I knew the two would get together and have one of their little "parties" in the hotel room the night before, the morning of, and immediately after the show. I was afraid that one day either one or both of them would overdose and that would be the end. Obviously it never happened, but I'm a big worrywart like that.

Then again, maybe it's not entirely Shannon's fault.

After Jeff left last year, he stayed clean for awhile. I was beginning to think that maybe-just maybe-things were looking up. Then Scotty came to visit. Yeah, THAT Scotty. He said he wanted to talk to Jeff about possibly coming to TNA for a one shot deal or something. They went out in the woods for hours that day and when they came back Jeff had that goofy look on his face that told me he'd done it again. Not only had he gotten high again, but he'd had sex too-unprotected sex with the biggest slut in wrestling. Very smart, Jeffrey.

Now he's thinking about signing a deal with TNA and it's a mistake I tell ya. I know that is because I know what will happen. Jeff will sign the deal, do a few shows, take more drugs and have more sex with Scotty, will end up even more fucked up, and then he'll just end up on the same track he was before. It's this vicious endless cycle that he just can't get out of.

I just wish I could take him away from all of it, tell him how much I love him, and be done with it. It won't happen though. Jeff won't even think about listening to me about this.

So I'll just save it to my journal and maybe one day I can give it to him…that is, if he hasn't killed himself by then.