Shane had gone over his father's head and given Jeff and Chris a fully paid indefinite leave of absence, so that they could finally get the help they needed and sort out their lives.

The couple retreated to Florida, where Chris had set up home, and where his therapist was based. Jeff started going along to his sessions, which the therapist thought would be useful because it would both help Jeff to understand Chris' feelings, and would give Chris something to focus on, the knowledge that he had someone to lean on. Jeff also saw a counselor of his own, to try and help him deal with the aftermath of the rape. He was terrified of so many little things, details that would send him into screaming fits, but the real barrier was that he was petrified of sex. In his heart he knew that Chris wouldn't hurt him but his body and his mind wouldn't let him reconcile that with anything else.

Chris' facial injuries had mostly cleared up well: there was just one long scar now, running over his cheekbone. The doctors had suggested that he look into getting plastic surgery to minimize its appearance, but the Canadian had refused. He still saw it as a reminder of the pain that Jeff had suffered, as something that he had deserved.

The couple had been seeing the therapist for about a month when Chris decided that it wasn't working and refused to go again. In fact he flat out refused to leave the house. He was nearing breaking point again, and Jeff had no idea what he was supposed to do.

Chris was laid in bed, staring into space, when Jeff came in and sat next to him. Smiling at the only thing that kept him going in life, he sat up.

Jeff took his hand. "Chris." His voice wavered. "I can't go on like this."

Chris' eyes filled with tears. "Are you leaving me Jeff? Please don't leave."

"I'm not leaving you Chris. I promise." The Canadian breathed an audible sigh of relief. "But we can't live like this either. Chris, we have to do something. You're not getting better, you're still hurting, and blaming yourself, and I can't handle that."

"I don't know what to do Jeff." He looked away. "I'm scared. I don't want to be like this but the therapy wasn't working and I just don't know what else I can do."

"I know it hurts baby." Jeff hugged his defeated lover, stroking his hair tenderly. "I know, and I'm here to help you baby, I want to help."

"Jeff… do you think…" He took a deep breath, not entirely sure what he was going to say. "I don't know, I mean, one of the reasons I didn't like talking to the therapist was because it was so… so…" He searched for the right word. "Impersonal. Like he didn't really know me so he couldn't really understand the way I think. But… you understand me… could I talk to you about what I feel? I think it would help me… if you'll let me."

"Of course I will darling." Jeff smiled a little. "I want to help you… and if I can understand how you're feeling, I might be able to help you feel better."

"I just want to feel better Jeffie. I want us to have a normal relationship again. I want us to wrestle, I want us to be happy."

Chris started off by just telling Jeff what was in his mind at that moment, and the younger Hardy proved surprisingly adept at asking questions that helped Chris link together everything in his mind.

"Jeffie you know I still blame myself for what happened to you."

"I know. Why though?"

"If you hadn't have been dating me, Kane would never have done what he did to you. And I provoked him by feuding with him, and I provoked the feud on purpose."

"Why did you provoke the feud?"

"Because I hated myself and wanted to punish myself."

"Why did you hate yourself?"

It always got to there. Then Chris would break down in tears, and the discussion would stop. Jeff would hold his lover in his arms until the tears had dried, then they would stop; ignore the subject and pretend t had never happened.

But one day it didn't. Jeff asked the familiar question. "Why do you hate yourself?" And Chris finally realized and answered.

"Because of when I cheated on you. I saw the pain I'd caused and I hated that I'd done that. Only a worthless, horrible person could do that to someone they loved, so I knew I must be that worthless horrible person. That's why I hated myself. And I see the pain that you still have now and I know I caused that and I hate myself still."

Jeff was shocked, and for a while could do nothing more than hold Chris as the familiar tears came. Then he composed what he wanted to say, and lifted Chris' chin to stare straight into the red-rimmed, but sea blue eyes, and saw all the hurt, all the pain and guilt, and wished that he could take it all away. "Chris baby… that was a long time ago. We'd only just got together… you said it was a one-time thing and I believe you… I forgave you baby… as long as you came back to me it didn't matter."

"But I hurt you." Chris knew that Jeff had been devastated by his fling with Kurt. "I remember that look in your eyes when I told you. That agony, the innocence that I betrayed. I knew. And what did that make me? Selfish, cruel, undeserving of anyone's love."

"It doesn't make you that." Chris looked up in surprise. "It makes you a man who made a mistake. It makes you human Chris. You made a mistake and you learnt from it. That doesn't make you bad, it makes you human." Jeff smiled and kissed his lover's cheek.

"But I caused you to hurt…" he protested.

"That doesn't mean that you have to hurt for the rest of your life." Jeff answered. "How did you feel when you'd cheated on me and were about to tell me?"

"I was so scared. I was scared that you'd leave me."

"You punished yourself then Chris. You don't need to keep punishing yourself for the rest of your life." Jeff's eyes sparkled with tears.

"Really?" Chris caressed his lover's cheek. "But I hurt you so bad. I hated what I did."

"And you haven't done it since. You haven't hurt me Chris. When you told me about Kurt… it did hurt then… but I saw the pain in your eyes and I knew that you never meant to hurt me and I knew that you loved me, I knew." Jeff wrapped his arms tightly around Chris and whispered into his hair. "I love you baby."

"I love you too." Chris couldn't understand it, but he actually believed Jeff. And he had this feeling inside of him, and suddenly realized what it was. It was Jeff's love. He finally believed in it. Maybe Jeff was right. If Jeff could forgive him and still love him, why couldn't he forgive himself?



Chris worked hard to piece together everything in his mind over the next few days. He started feeling good about himself for once, and seemed to be recovering at long last. Talking to Jeff, he knew, had saved him. Jeff was the only one who mattered to Chris, and the love he felt for him was no longer tinged with guilt.

Jeff was pleased, delighted at the recovery in Chris. He was almost back to how he used to be: happy and confident. But Jeff knew that he wasn't getting better. Ever since the rape he'd been scared of everything. It was all he could do to let Chris kiss him. He was OK with physical contact, but anything with even a slightly sexual nature absolutely terrified him. He knew that Chris would never hurt him like Kane had done, but there was a mental block that made his body freeze at even the slightest touch.

Chris was concerned about his young lover too. Jeff had been so strong in aiding his recovery, now he knew that he had to do the same. He wasn't sure how he could help Jeff, but he was determined to try.

They got into bed together as they always did, Jeff's warm body snuggling close to Chris. He felt safe there. Chris would stroke his hair tenderly and whisper words of comfort, support that Jeff was so grateful for. But he was unhappy because he couldn't recover like Chris had done.

"Chris?" He looked up at his lover. "Am I always gonna be like this? Scared of everything?"

"No baby." Chris kissed him gently. "It just takes time for you to learn to be less scared. And I'm here for you angel. I'm not gonna pressure you to do anything you're not ready for. It'll take time, but you won't always feel this way."

"What should I do? I just want to get better." Jeff bit his lip nervously.

"Baby." Chris had been thinking about this. "You're scared that you're gonna get hurt again aren't you?" Jeff nodded. "So maybe… if you started off by touching yourself… cos you know that you won't hurt yourself… maybe that would help."

"Touch myself." Jeff mused. "I guess…"

"Do you want me to leave for a while?" Chris asked gently. He didn't want Jeff to feel embarrassed about anything.

"No Please stay." Jeff didn't realize he was shaking. He didn't know that every moment of this would be so difficult. He pulled off his boxers, then sat back, looking at Chris with frightened eyes.

"It's OK baby, I promise." Chris leant forward and kissed his trembling lips. "Remember Jeff, if you want to stop, you can. You're the one in control."

He closed his eyes and tentatively skimmed his fingertips over his cock. Encouraged, he used a little more pressure, happy as he felt his cock spring to life. Loosely he gripped the hardening organ and began to move his hand up and down, exploring his reactions, like he was learning about himself all over again.

Chris worried less as he watched Jeff lose himself in the sensations. The fear that had haunted his face was momentarily gone, and was replaced by a determination to get past this.

Jeff was fighting to keep images of Kane out of his mind, trying to concentrate on the idea that it was Chris' hand milking him. Somehow, he found that if he concentrated on the thought of Chris, it got so much easier to bear. Almost shocked, he opened his eyes and locked his gaze with Chris', the Canadian a comfort and an object of desire that sent Jeff over the edge before he knew it. He felt the wetness flood over his hand and started to shake, feeling the release that he had been so scared that he'd never be able to experience again.

Nervously Jeff held out his hand, motioning for Chris to lick it clean, which he did eagerly. Then he looked at Jeff carefully, his eyes asking. Jeff nodded, concentrating on staying calm as Chris licked his cock and stomach clean. He held in his heart the knowledge that this was Chris, and that he wouldn't hurt him. And it worked.

The Canadian leant over to kiss Jeff, allowing the younger man to taste himself on his lips. "I'm proud of you baby." He whispered. "You're so brave. I promise it's gonna get better."

"It wasn't so bad as I thought." Jeff chewed his bottom lip nervously. "I was scared, but… I thought of you… cos I know you won't hurt me. Every time he came into my mind I thought of you and I felt safe. I… I'm still kinda scared… but I have to fight that, don't I?"

"But you don't have to push it babe." Chris lay back and prompted Jeff to lay his head on his shoulder. "In one way it's gonna be a fight, but if you push it too hard it'll just hurt you more."

"I guess." Jeff sighed, snuggling closer. "Thank you Chris. I love you so much."



Jeff suddenly started progressing better than Chris had ever expected him to. He now allowed Chris to touch him, he could touch Chris, and he'd even let Chris finger him. The fear in his eyes was heartbreaking to the Canadian, but that momentary look of pleasure as he lost himself in the feelings was enough to reassure him that he was doing the right thing.

In his mind Jeff knew that tonight would be the night. When he'd let Chris finger him, that had been the turning point, the breakthrough. The first time he'd tried to finger him Jeff had tensed, terrified at the invasion. But then he'd been soothed by Chris' gentle words and gentle touch, and suddenly everything had seemed OK. The memories of Kane had vanished, and Jeff allowed himself to fall into pleasure, allowed Chris to make him feel like he'd always felt with him before Kane: loved, desired, wanted. He knew that if he could get past that barrier, just the once, then it would be OK. He had to cling on to that.

As always, Chris was tentative with Jeff when they got to bed. He left it to Jeff to say that he wanted, fearful of putting him under any pressure.

"Chris?" Jeff looked at him innocently and nervously.

"Yes honey?" The Canadian smiled, allaying his fears somewhat.

"I want… tonight… I want you to fuck me." Jeff almost gasped, such were his nerves.

"Oh angel." Chris sighed and choked back tears. That Jeff trusted him enough…

"Please Chris. I trust you and I need to get past this."

"If you're sure it's what you want darling, I would love to make love to you. I promise I won't hurt you baby."

"I want you."

Jeff lay back, eyes wide with longing and concern. Nervously, Chris caressed his cheek. He wasn't sure what to do: should he take this slowly, taking his time to keep Jeff calm, or would that only heighten the fear that he was obviously suffering?

Jeff sensed this dilemma, and whispered in Chris' ear. "Chris… don't make me wait, I'll only get more nervous and scared, and I don't want that."

The Canadian closed his eyes and brushed his lips against Jeff's gently delving his tongue into the warm cave of Jeff's mouth and encouraged by the gentle yielding it gave. Softly he brushed his fingers over Jeff's nipples, caressing them, sensing his arousal. At Jeff's insistence he moved his attention to his lover's cock, using his hands and tongue to stimulate his hardness.

Jeff moaned in delight, then tensed a little as he felt Chris move to open a bottle of lube, then his hand trail round towards his opening. Chris realized this and looked up, his free hand massaging Jeff's hip in order to relax him. As the younger Hardy's face softened and he stopped biting his lip, Y2J gently pushed one finger inside of him, stimulating his sweet spot for a while until he felt that Jeff was comfortable enough to insert another finger. He felt Jeff become lost in his emotions, relaxed enough to take another finger.

Then Chris knew that the real test was here. He removed his fingers, then looked straight into Jeff's glistening green eyes. The younger Hardy nodded his assent, taking a deep breath then smiling a little.

"I trust you Chris."

Chris chewed his lip thoughtfully, then prompted Jeff to put his ankles on his shoulders. His voice was shaking.

"Jeffie… baby you know this might hurt a little, but if you want me to stop, I will."

"I know Chris, but I want this."

The Canadian slicked his cock with the lube then pushed a little way into Jeff. The younger man gasped, but didn't tense as much as Chris had expected him to. Encouraged a little, he inched his way inside Jeff, stopping every time he thought he might be hurting him, and never once breaking eye contact, searching that beautiful face for any sign of doubt.

There was none. Once Chris was fully sheathed, Jeff prompted him to begin moving. With every gentle thrust he remembered how it had been before with Chris, the perfection of the experience. All thoughts of Kane were banished, and Jeff succumbed to the desires that he had suppressed for so long, meeting his lover's thrusts wildly. Chris rejoiced in Jeff's abandon as he spilt his seed into him and felt Jeff's warm cum hit his stomach.

Slowly and tentatively Chris pulled out of him, scooping up the cum from his stomach and licking his fingers clean. He looked at Jeff worriedly, but is fears were allayed with a smile from the younger man.

"Oh Chris." His eyes filled with tears. "Thank you baby. I love you so much."

"I didn't hurt you?" Chris asked brokenly, now so scared that he might have hurt his love.

"No baby, no." Jeff pulled him into his arms. "You didn't hurt me… I remembered how good it was before… I knew how good it felt then… and

I know that it still feels that way… The pain… the fear… I think it's gone Chris."

"Jeffie." Chris began to sob into his shoulder, letting out all of the tears and the pressure and the pain that had built up. Jeff's tears soon followed, and they lay in each other's arms until their emotions had been spent.

Maybe the recovery was complete. Maybe they would always be recovering. They didn't know. All they knew was that they had hit the bottom of the pit of despair and now they were rising again. There would be no going back now. It could only get better, and better.