Chapter 2

Chris had been seeing a counselor for his illness for a while, but it didn't seem to be helping. He hated himself, his life, the only good thing, the only thing that kept him going, was Jeff. And each and every time they fought he blamed himself. Unbeknown to the young wrestler, Chris had provoked the feud with Kane on purpose. That way, he could punish himself and no one would realize. He needed to punish himself; it alleviated the pain for a while. He'd cut himself a few times, but it was impossible to hide from Jeff and it had scared the younger wrestler. That was the last thing Chris wanted to do, so he'd found a new way of inflicting pain on himself.

So, Chris had used the feud with Kane to punish himself, and a voice in his mind was telling him that he would have to do the same again. Chris believed, in his heart, that it wasn't Kane who was to blame, it was him.

Chris refocused his attention on Jeff, and kissed his eyes shut. "I love you angel. I'm so sorry he hurt you."

"Chris." Jeff pulled his arms tighter around his lover. "Don't let go."

"Never darling, never."

As Chris closed his eyes he knew what he would have to do. He knew that pain was the only thing that would reconcile his mind. And that Kane was the only one who could inflict that pain.

Physically Jeff was soon recovered, but mentally he remained fragile. Chris immersed himself in caring for the frightened young wrestler, burying his own depression, his own feelings of guilt and self-loathing, until Monday night and Raw, where his match against Kane would finally allow him to receive the punishment that he felt he deserved.

At the arena Jeff was terrified. He knew that he would run into Kane sooner or later, and, even worse, knew that Chris had to fight him. Once they'd arrived at the arena they shut themselves in their locker room, and Jeff took up a position on Chris' lap from which he didn't move the whole afternoon.

Jeff lifted his multi-colored head from Chris' broad shoulder and hissed his lover's cheek. Chris smiled tenderly, wishing that he could make it better.

"I love you Chris." Jeff whispered in his ear. "Whatever has already happened, whatever will happen, and right now - I love you."

"I love you too Jeffie, always." Chris felt like Jeff had just given him the moon. To know that whatever happened he would still be loved; it steeled Chris, he firmly believed that he was doing the right thing.

"Be careful tonight baby." Jeff's clear green eyes filled with tears. "Please be careful darling."

"Don't cry Jeffie." 'I'm not worth it', thought the depressed wrestler. He checked his watch. "I have to go fight now. We're on in five minutes. Come with me then Matt can look after you during my match."

Jeff nodded. He hadn't told his brother what had happened, but Chris had let Matt believe that Kane was threatening him, and that was why Jeff was scared and needed protecting. Jeff didn't want anyone to know. He felt used and humiliated. And although he was closer to Matt than anyone, he still couldn't tell his brother this.

Chris stood nervously by the curtain, waiting for Kane's ring entrance to end. Then would be his turn to walk to his doom. He pulled Jeff into his strong arms for what could be the last time, and nuzzled his neck.

"I love you Jeffie, I love you more than anything." he whispered, blinking to hold back the tears that were beginning to form in his sea-blue eyes. "Matt will take care of you, yeah?" He smiled weakly at the older Hardy, who nodded. Reluctantly, Chris let go, and shook himself, and was ready to face whatever would come.

Jeff retreated into his brother's arms. The last words Chris heard before he walked through the curtain were "I love you baby." Words that filled him with joy and told him that he was doing the right thing.

The scheduling had made Chris' job easy for him. He was down for a clean loss, which meant that he could let Kane do whatever he wanted and that his physical condition wouldn't matter. All he needed to do was pull a few moves at the beginning of the match, and then let Kane do his work.

Kane guessed pretty quickly what his opponent wanted him to do, and was more than happy to oblige. Here was the chance to destroy another pretty boy. Who cared why he was doing it? All Kane could see was another man who was everything he'd always hated, everything he'd always wanted to be. He didn't see Chris' depression, he hadn't seen that Jeff was just as insecure as the monster was. All he saw was the surface, and he just wanted to destroy it.

Jeff watched in horror was Kane proceeded to take Y2J apart. Chris was almost helpless, but he kept coming back for more. The fans were loving his resilient display; to them it was just a part of the show. But Jeff was terrified by what was going on. He instinctively understood what Chris was doing, and began to sob into his brother's shoulder.

Matt continued watching, while rubbing his brother's back reassuringly. He gasped when Kane grabbed a bottle. "He can't do this... no."

Instinctively Jeff looked up, in time to see Kane smash a bottle over Chris' head, then grind the broken glass into his face. Jeff screamed and it took everything Matt had to stop him running out to the ring.

Chris was in agony. He's never felt pain like it before. He couldn't see for the blood that poured over his eyes, and his body felt broken. He felt Kane throw him back into the ring, and stayed down for the pin. It was over, and through the haze of pain, Chris believed that he'd got what he deserved.

He was helped backstage, where Jeff greeted him almost in hysterics.

"Chris! Chris baby what the hell happened out there? Angel are you OK? Chris talk to me please."

The Canadian was silent. He'd got what he deserved and was now experiencing the consequences. The agony, that in his heart he believed didn't even come close to what Jeff had suffered. But the pain was so strong... Chris felt himself falling into blackness, and collapsed into Jeff's arms.

"Chris!" Jeff's anguished cry echoed around the arena. Matt ran over, sending Lita to get help. He then helped his little brother lower Chris to the floor, where Jeff knelt beside him, sobbing bitterly.

"Don't you leave me Chris, baby I love you so much, I need you baby." Matt slipped his arms around his brother's shoulders.

"Jeff, calm down darling. Chris needs you to stay calm for him, OK?"

Jeff refused to let go of Chris until the medics arrived, then as they treated the unconscious Canadian, Matt led him away, promising to drive him straight to the hospital. The elder Hardy was clearly worried: Jeff didn't need this hassle. Matt had noticed the change in Jeff's behavior over the past few days, but knew that in reality the disintegration of Jeff's fragile mental state had been coming over the past few months. In Matt's opinion, Jeff was already too fragile to cope with Chris, and now things were just getting worse.

In the car the brothers were silent. Jeff didn't feel capable of speaking without falling apart, and Matt didn't know what to say. He just watched his baby brother trying to stifle the sobs that ravaged his body, and it broke his heart.

When they got to the hospital they were greeted by Shane McMahon, who'd got there just after Chris.

"Still no news Jeff. I'm sorry, I don't know what was going on out there." He grimaced, he wasn't too fond of Kane either. "They're treating Chris now, and they'll let us know as soon as anything changes."

In silence they sat in the waiting room. Jeff's head was resting on his brother's shoulder: he looked terrified, defeated, anguished. Matt wished that he could do something more for his brother than whisper words of encouragement, but he felt useless. Shane felt the same. He wanted to help Jeff and Chris; having suffered from depression himself, he knew what Chris was going through, more than Chris or Jeff realised, and had tried to cut the couple as much slack as possible. Jeff looked at him briefly and forced a smile.

"Thank you for staying Shane. It means a lot." He kissed his brother's cheek. "You too Mattie."

"Any time Jeffie." Shane took the young wrestler's hand. "Chris will be OK sweetheart."

"I'm so scared." Jeff squeezed his eyes shut. "I can't lose him, I can't..."

"Shhh. Jeffie, he will be fine."

The doctor walked into the waiting room. "Are you waiting for Chris Jericho?

Jeff jumped up. "Yes. Is he OK? Can I see him?"

It seemed like everyone was holding their breath until the doctor spoke. "He's OK. He's badly cut and bruised, and he has a concussion, which is what caused him to collapse, but we can't see that causing any permanent damage. All being well, he can go home soon, but he'll have to take it easy. Now, I'll want to talk to him before he leaves, because Mr. Jericho's facial injuries look quite severe. It may be difficult for him to accept, because there is a possibility that they might scar. So, I'll need you to stay calm around him, and don't do anything that might upset him, or make him more scared."

"A...are they really bad?" Jeff asked quietly.

"Well, most of them look a lot worse than they are." The doctor looked at Jeff sympathetically. "I can't say if there will be scarring for sure, or to what extent. You just need to give Chris a lot of support to help him to come to terms with the possibility."

Jeff nodded thoughtfully. Although he loved the way Chris looked, somehow that didn't matter, as long as he was OK. "Can I see him?" The youngest wrestler asked softly.

"Are you Jeff?" The multi-colored hair nodded vigorously. "He was asking for you. If you'd all like to follow me."

They all walked down the anonymous corridors to the small clinical room that held Chris' battered body. Jeff walked in first, running straight to his boyfriend's side.

"Chris baby." As best he could he pulled his lover into his arms and held him, then pulled back to study his features. Steeling himself, he tried to mask his shock at the damage Kane had done to Chris' face. Both of his eyes were bruised, he had several bruises and cuts on his forehead, and one long cut running down one cheek. The other cheek was bruised, almost completely black. "Oh Chris." He sighed, trying not to cry. "Are you OK? You scared me so much baby."

"I'm sorry." It pained Chris even to talk. "I never meant for you to be hurt like this." He closed his eyes to try and stop the easy tears. This wasn't how it was meant to be.

"Why, Chris?"

His head was throbbing, and he thought that Jeff wouldn't understand, so instead he just rested his head on his lover's shoulder. "I'm sorry baby. I'll tell you ... just not now. Don't leave me Jeff. I love you so much."

"I love you too Chris. I'm just glad you're OK." Now Jeff knew how Chris felt after what had happened to him. Helpless. Scared. Terrified. He tried to remain calm. "Sweetie, has the doctor spoken to you?"

Chris shook his head gingerly. "He told me that I had a concussion, and I have facial injuries."

"Angel, he... he said..." Jeff was so scared of saying this, "he said that you might have some scars on your face." He watched Chris' reaction, and was puzzled by it. It was almost as if he was pleased. To Chris, he hoped it would be a lasting reminder of the pain he believed he had caused Jeff. "He said you can come home soon too."

"I can?" Momentarily Chris smiled.

"Sure." Jeff kissed his lover's hand. "Sweetheart, Matt and Shane are outside, they're worried about you."

Although Chris believed he didn't deserve their concern, he forced a weak smile. "I should thank them for being there for you."

"They're concerned about you darling." Jeff looked up as the doctor walked in, followed by Matt and Shane, both obviously wary of what they might find. Both smiled nervously at Chris, shocked at his physical condition.

The doctor checked him over. "Mr. Jericho, you may go home." His tone was stern. "But you must take it easy. Nothing strenuous for a week or so, no wrestling for at least a month, you understand?" Chris nodded, so he continued. "Has er, Jeff spoken to you about your injuries?"

"They might scar?"

"I can't promise otherwise." The doctor looked straight at Chris. "But, if the worst does happen and they do scar, there are several excellent plastic surgeons that could help you. If you contact your own doctor he'll be able to give you some advice."

"Thank you." Chris just wanted to get out of there now. To be alone with Jeff. To have Jeff hold him in his arms and tell him everything was going to be OK, even if it wasn't true.

Shane arranged for them to go back to the hotel, and made sure that they should be undisturbed for the next few days. He promised to field any questions from the others, knowing that Chris was in no state to see anybody. Other than that, there was little either he or Matt could do. Both promised the couple that they would help in any way possible, but Shane knew that Chris had to come to terms with what he was feeling in his own time.

Back at the hotel, Jeff made Chris go straight to bed, then sat tentatively by his side. Suddenly he was scared, and had no idea what to say.

"Chris... I love you baby... and... it doesn't matter to me if your injuries do scar... I love you baby no matter what, to me you'll always be beautiful, on the inside and the outside. And... and I'm not going to ask you about what happened with Kane.. just, if you want to talk, I'm always, always here."

"I'm sorry I scared you angel." Chris whispered. "Please Jeffie, just hold me tonight. I'm so... It hurts so much."

Jeff quickly slipped into bed wrapping his arms tenderly around his lover's body. "It's gonna be OK Chris. I love you baby."

"It hurts so much Jeffie."

"I know sweetheart, I know." The pain Chris felt? Jeff felt it too.

*********************************************

Jeff didn't ask Chris anything for a few days. He just concentrated on helping him to recover. Physically he was doing well. Most of the bruises were fading and the cuts were healing too. He was still fairly weak, but was getting better by the day. But after a while, Jeff felt like he had to know. He had to confront the events of that night.

"Chris baby?" He asked nervously.

"The Canadian looked up from his position sat on the bed with his knees pulled up to his chest. "What's up angel?"

"What happened Chris? What happened with Kane?" Jeff realized he was trembling.

Chris sighed. He knew he'd have to explain this to Jeff sooner or later, and only hoped that Jeff would understand. "Babe, come here." Obediently Jeff sat on the bed and Chris took his hand and squeezed it. "Jeff... I let him hurt me... I had to be punished."

"This is all about what he did to me, isn't it?" Jeff realized.

"It was my fault what happened to you."

"No Chris... I promise it wasn't." Jeff's voice was lacking in strength but his belief was clear.

"Jeffie I had to be punished. He... he was feuding with me, and .... I started that on purpose...and he hurt you to hurt me... so it was my fault... that's why I had to be punished."

"Chris no... He hurt me cos he said I'm pretty, and he hurt you cos you're pretty." Then Chris' words impacted on Jeff. "You started the feud on purpose? Why baby? Why hurt yourself like that?"

"Cos I hate how I am Jeffie. The pain... it blocks out the other hurt... like when I used to cut myself.. but I stopped doing that cos it hurt you ... I didn't want to hurt you or scare you anymore... so I started the feud so that he would hurt me, punish me for being what I am." Chris answered brokenly. "And my actions caused you to be hurt again, so this." He pointed to his face, "is my punishment for that."

"How... Chris how could you hurt like this and not tell me... I'm sorry baby." Jeff choked back a sob.

"I never meant for you to be hurt again. I hate myself for hurting you Jeffie."

"Don't hate yourself Chris. These things happened cos of me. I'm sorry I caused this Chris." Jeff jumped up and ran out of the room crying.

Chris burst into tears. Everything was ruined. He believed that he'd destroyed everything good in his life, and now what was left?

Jeff's fragile mental state was shattered. Chris was hurting far more than he ever realized, and he blamed himself. All he could see was that Chris had been hurt because of him, his actions had prompted Chris'. And he could see that was so wrong. But he was distraught, devastated, and had no idea what to do.

Then it came to him. Something that would perhaps show Chris that this pain, this suffering, it was destroying both of them. There was only one way that Jeff could show him. It was drastic, but Jeff knew by now that he had no choice.

He returned to the room. Chris was crying into his pillow. Bitter tears that broke Jeff's heart. He wanted so much to go over to him and hold him and tell him that everything would be OK but he couldn't. He needed to do this while he still had the courage. This had to end.

The younger wrestler retreated to the bathroom and pulled off his T-Shirt. Then he picked up the razor blades, the ones that he had especially sharpened in order to create the intricate lines on his face. Slowly the glinting metal was lowered down onto the tender skin of his left arm, creating at first one long cut, then another, then another, until both blade and arm were dripping in crimson red. Jeff hardly realized but he was crying out in pain. A sound that roused Chris from his agony, and brought him into the bathroom.

"Jeffie!" He screamed. "What the hell are you doing?"

Jeff took a deep breath to block out the pain, then stared straight into Chris' sea blue eyes. "The same as you Chris. Punishing myself for your hurt."

"You didn't cause my hurt Jeffie, I promise." Tentatively Chris took the razor from Jeff's shaking hand.

"And you didn't cause my pain either Chris. You didn't cause Kane to hurt me. Chris, we are completely fucked up and we need help. This is destroying us here." Jeff pulled Chris into his arms, neither caring about the blood, and for a moment forgetting all the pain. "We're fucking up our love and we need help. Please listen to me Chris, I can't take this anymore."

"Please help me Jeffie." This was a broken hearted question, the hardest thing Chris had ever had to say.

"We have to help each other baby. We can't hurt like this anymore."

"I don't wanna hurt anymore. I don't want you to hurt." Chris wiped his eyes, then cast his gaze at Jeff's arm. "Lets get this cleared up angel."

Jeff nodded. "Please, promise me that we'll change this Chris. Promise me we can make it work."

"I'll try. Maybe... Shane can give us some time off... we can work through this." Chris' voice faded off into familiar self-doubt.

"Please promise me Chris. I need to hear you say that."

Chris was scared. He knew that and Jeff knew that. For so long the symptoms of his depression had hidden the real agonies. And he knew that if he made this commitment to Jeff, he'd have to confront some things that he'd tried so hard to forget, but that were eating away at his soul. If he told Jeff that he'd do this, made that promise, there was no turning back. But unless he did, there was no way forward.

He softly kissed Jeff's lips, and his broken whisper echoed around the room. "I promise."

Read the sequel It's Getting Better