
"Hey kid." Casually, Scott Levy leaned against the doorframe of Jeff Hardy's locker room.
Jeff's head snapped up in surprise. "Erm… hi." He smiled slightly, then blushed. Despite the multi-colored hair, the piercing, the brash exterior, Jeff was incredibly shy.
The older man smiled inwardly, then softened his normally harsh demeanor, and held out his hand. "I'm Scott. I just wanted to introduce myself, seeing as I'm new here an'all."
Nervously Jeff shook his hand. "I'm Jeff. It's good to meet you." Wide eyed, he took in what stood before him: clad in an old T-shirt and faded denim jeans was a well toned body, and casting his gaze further up Jeff saw a mass of curly hair, mostly obscuring a defined face and an obvious fascination for intricately designed facial hair, with just a few traces of manic panic scattered throughout.
A hand momentarily brushed some of those curls out of piercing blue eyes. "I've heard a lot about you Jeff. I used to work with Amy and she used to talk about you and your brother a lot." He pulled Jeff up to his feet so that the younger wrestler towered over him slightly, but could still stare straight into his eyes.
"What did she say?" Jeff's southern drawl reflected somewhat his obvious discomfort, but he didn't remove his gaze from that chiseled face that tried but failed to hide a lifetime of pain. It intrigued Jeff, he saw something but he could hardly believe it was true.
"I think you and me have a lot in common." Was the less than straight answer. "And I think that you know what."
Unsure, Jeff touched Scott's wrists, and the older wrestler nodded.
"Is the cause the same too?" he asked, biting his lip to try and make the bad memories disappear.
Scott sighed. "You know it is. Can we talk later? My hotel room and phone number is on this card. Come after the show?" Never had that face looked so innocent and unsure.
Jeff took the card and Scott disappeared as quickly as he had arrived. Almost dumbstruck, Jeff stared at the piece of paper in his hand. Did he dare follow up something that could dredge up pain that he'd tried for so long to hide?
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Nervously he knocked on the door, thinking every second that he should run away. Then it was too late. Scott opened the door and smiled momentarily, then stepped back and allowed Jeff to enter.
Prompted by Scott, he sat down, hands fidgeting in his lap. Apprehensively Jeff looked up; wide eyes focused on Scott's face. The face that was now clouded over in a sadness and pain that Jeff knew far too well. Without his customary poise, he sat down next to the younger man. It was only then that Jeff noticed that Scott was shaking. Tentative, he reached out and squeezed Scott's hand, not entirely sure that he was doing the right thing, but reassured somewhat when the pressure was returned.
The air had remained unbroken since Jeff had arrived, but a soft southern voice finally broke the stillness. "Tell me."
There was a tense silence, then Scott tried to suppress a sob and began to speak. "I… I can't. I don't even know anymore." He hid his face in his hands. This was weakness, it was wrong. Jeff would leave, he just knew it. Just like everyone else. Everyone left. No one understood. Scott's whole life had been characterized by loneliness and isolation. Why should Jeff stay when everyone else had left him alone?
"How about I describe how… what I… what I feel… and if I'm wrong… then tell me how you feel different." Jeff whispered. He took the slight nod from Scott as assent and began to speak. "It's like this emptiness inside. It all began when I was little. I was the freaky little kid. I wasn't good at school, I didn't conform to what they wanted me to be. I was a disappointment and they rejected me. Everyone did, and it left this void inside of me. I didn't know what was supposed to fill that void… it got bigger and bigger until I couldn't see any way out. It enveloped me. My future, my present, my past. It was everything, and I tried to make it go away." Closing his eyes Jeff pushed up his sleeves and exposed his wrists. Scott looked over, winced slightly, then did the same. The mirror image of the two raw scars on each wrist was a damning testament to the agony that both of them had suffered. The pain that had made both of them attempt to take their own lives.
"But they wouldn't let you die." Scott finished bitterly. "No matter how much you want to, no matter how much you try, they won't let you."
"Sometimes… no… all the time… Matt is the only reason I don't try again. I don't want to hurt him again… he's always been the only one who was ever there for me… and I think the only reason I stick around is cos I don't want to hurt someone… but is that any reason to live?" Jeff closed his eyes to stem the tears that he'd shed so many times before.
"I want to fill the void Jeff. It's all I've ever wanted. That part of me where I'm supposed to feel happiness. I just… I wish I knew how. All I ever wanted…right from when I was a little kid… was to be wanted… to be worth something… to have someone tell me I'm worth something… to tell me that they love me… even if they were lying." Scott wiped his eyes self-consciously. "but I've never had that, and I suppose I never will."
"Why?"
"Look at me Jeff. Who would want a fucked up, ugly man who's always miserable and scared… who would want me?"
Jeff took a deep breath. "Maybe another fucked up ugly man who's miserable and scared… I mean someone who know exactly how you feel." He paused for a second. "Me."
"Don't ever describe yourself that way Jeff." Scott whispered, for the first time focusing his red-rimmed eyes on the younger Hardy. "You may be fucked up and scared, but never call yourself ugly. You're so beautiful and you don't even realize it."
"I'm not. Sure, all the hair color and make up might make people want to fuck me, but beneath all that I'm nothing."
"Oh Jeff." Tentatively Scott lifted a hand to caress his cheek. "Don't ever say that. You re beautiful, I promise you are. That's why you need someone who's equally beautiful in every way, to love you and support you like you deserve."
"That's why I need you Scott. You're beautiful… you understand how I feel… I understand you. We.. we could fill the void Scott, we could."
"I'm scared." Scott admitted starkly. "You are everything I hoped I'd find, but I'm scared I'll fail you."
"You won't. I don't know what's gonna happen, but everything will be OK, for the first time in my life I think I can say that and actually mean it. We have to take a chance, otherwise we'll hurt for the rest of our lives. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy… but maybe… having someone who understands… that means more than anything." Cautiously Jeff slipped his slim arms around the older man's neck and pulled him close. The gentle rubbing of Jeff's hands on his back sent Scott into a state of calm that he had never known before. He felt so safe he even closed his eyes. Wrapping his arms around Jeff he pulled his fragile body as close to him as he could, resting his head on his shoulder. Maybe this could be the beginning of the healing process.