For the record, Jared Padalecki had an enormous dick.

Also for the record, Jensen Ackles did not have an unhinging jaw.

In conclusion, Jensen hated records, hated Jared, and really hated Jared's humongous penis.

"Jensen, really, you don't have to-" They were in Jared's trailer, drying out after their little swim in the lake. Jensen was honestly enjoying this shoot more than the ones they had done before, even the pilot. He was getting a sense of who Dean was, what drove him, and it was exciting.

Which was fortunate, because as far as his personal life was going, he was up the metaphorical creek without so much as a teaspoon to paddle his way out.

He and Jared were taking it slowly.

It was the only way it could have worked. A drunken handjob after filming the pilot had progressed to not so drunken kisses, the both of them discovering each other just as they were discovering their characters.

It was nice.

No pressure.

Only Jensen was a guy, a horny guy, who had a really hot boyfriend, and hadn't been laid in way too long.

Handjobs were nice, oh hell yes were they nice, but they had the tendency to evolve into something more.

Like blowjobs.

Jensen liked blowjobs.

He liked receiving them - and Jared had a mouth like a vacuum cleaner, holy Jesus - and up until now, he liked giving them.

He really liked giving them.

And was really fucking good at it.

Needless to say, Jared was pissing him off something stupid.

He had a huge, beautiful cock, thick and heavy, and it would have been absolutely perfect if Jensen could actually take more than an inch or two into his mouth without developing lockjaw.

Jared had been sleeping with Sandy for how long now? And she was a fucking munchkin. If she could take Jared's giant dick, then Jensen sure as hell could!

Only he couldn't.

Not through lack of trying.

He'd been trying since Dean had been kidnapped by a cannibalistic monster and strung up in the woods. Jared's stupid big hands had rubbed the knots out of his shoulders and saved Jensen from the backache of hell, so it was only fair that Jensen would give him a little thank you.

He'd nearly choked himself and freaked Jared out completely.

They'd kept trying, but after two weeks, Jensen was wondering just how much longer he could keep failing, and Jared would keep saying it didn't matter.

It wasn't as if they didn't get off. They did. Jensen might only have been able to take the tip of Jared, but he sure hell knew what to do with it. Jared never walked away with blue balls.

Jensen was just frustrated.

He jerked his wrist furiously, compensating for his limited skills, and lapped at the head of Jared's dick until he came all over Jensen's face with a blissful little sigh.

Jensen came like a bottle rocket when Jared tugged him around on the pull out bed, until they were both nose to each other's crotch, and sucked Jensen's dick into his wide, grinning mouth.

Jensen shuddered and trembled as Jared worked him over enthusiastically, his monster cock laying soft against Jensen's cheek.

Completely sated, and it still looked like a weapon of mass destruction.

Jensen glared at it hatefully.

He was not about to lose his title to Jared fucking Padalecki and his inhuman genitalia.

A few hours later, he put in an emergency conference call to Jessica and Ally. He'd worked with both women for over a year, and neither were well known for being saints.

"Just practice more." Jessica suggested helpfully, panting slightly. She had a habit of answering his calls when she was on the Stairmaster.

Jensen frowned, not really sure he understood her correctly. "So I should cheat on Jared in order to give him better head."

"Sure," Jessica agreed.

"Or you could buy a dildo." Ally piped up hastily, by the sound of it chewing on the end of her pencil.

Jensen sighed and shook his head. "I have a dildo. They don't do them Padalecki-sized."

Jessica all but purred. "I can't believe you can't get your mouth around a dick, Jenny," she mocked, using the nickname Jensen had punched Michael for circulating around set.

"Fuck you."

"God, you're gonna be a cripple." Ally giggled.

"Who says I'm not the top?" Jensen pouted to an empty room, his manhood just a little dented.

"Everyone." Jessica and Ally said in canon.

Jensen mumbled under his breath. Some days he really hated the world.

"Just grab a banana - or two - and get practicing. It's like exercising. You step down and when you try running to the top of a thirty storey building it's gonna hurt like fuck."





Which was how Jensen ended up getting caught by Jared with a piece of fruit lodged halfway down his throat.





"Whoa! Jesus Christ!" Jared stumbled over his own feet in an attempt to back out of Jensen's trailer.

Jensen choked and spat out the banana he had stolen from craft services, spluttering a little as he shouted after Jared. "Hey! Get your ass back in here, Padalecki!"

Jared skidded to a halt, one had on the door, and hesitantly looked over his shoulder, not sure if Jensen would start pelting him with kiwis. "I should really..."

Throwing the banana on the table, Jensen advanced, glaring at Jared and slamming the door to his trailer closed. "You are going to drop your pants and I am going to suck you off, if it kills one or the both of us."

Jared's swallow was comical, but his pants hit the floor in record time, that monster between his legs bobbing enthusiastically already.

Jensen dropped to his knees and surveyed the situation, a hot flush breaking out down the back of his neck.

No way. Not a damn way. He'd need someone to break his jaw and surgically remove his gag reflex first.

"I don't know why you're making this such a big deal." Jared muttered to himself, red cheeked and oddly ashamed.

Jensen's stubborn determination faltered a little as he looked up to Jared's pink cheeks and lowered eyelashes.

Leaning in, Jensen pressed a kiss to the sharp cuts of Jared's hipbones, suddenly wanting to be this right for Jared as much as he did for himself.

He just had to relax, right?

Jared's hand settled softy in his hair as Jensen leaned in and nuzzled at the soft flesh, short, wiry hair tickling his nose.

He licked up along the thick shaft, his jaw relaxed, the whole thing messy and wet. He loved feeling Jared harden completely under his attention, but it was important now. He licked and he sucked, rolling full, heavy balls in his palms as Jared panted heavily and leant back against the door.

Slowly, carefully, Jensen wrapped his lips around the thick head of him. A few inches was enough - his jaw began to ache, his tongue pressed down by the weight of Jared in his mouth. Breathing heavily through his nose, Jensen pushed himself on slowly. He paused every inch, Jared's hand fluttering against his skull, clearly fighting with the urge to just grab and thrust.

He had the self control of a monk.

Jensen swallowed, and Jared growled, low and hot, desperate.

Just a little more, and Jensen would have won this battle. He'd be the victorious one, not Jared's dick, and Jared would not be able to walk back on set without help.

The idea was appealing. Very appealing.

Forcing himself to keep breathing, Jensen pulled back, trying to make it the best for Jared that he could, before taking him down again.

All of him.

Jensen's nose touched Jared's crotch, and the hand in his hair suddenly tightened painfully.

"Jesus fuck, Jensen!" Jared cried, shaking violently against the door.

Victorious, Jensen repeated the motion, pulling back, then taking him down. Practicing, exercising, once, twice, and then off in time for Jared to practically erupt.

When Jared had stopped shaking, and Jensen had licked the come from his face, he ran his tongue over his lips, smug and supremely satisfied.

Panting like a winning racehorse, Jared touched his face gently. "Just promise me you won't use the banana to work up to us fucking, m'kay?"

Jensen's smug smile dropped, and he returned to glaring at Jared soft, sated, still inhuman dick.

That, he feared, might take a little more than practice.